Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to announce that I have lost weight again. I ballooned to 60kg since last year and I have lost 4kg of it and then put back 2kg before losing it again this time. So now my official weight is at 56kg. Not bad considering that I did not really do anything to force my weight down.
The thing is, I have always been very ashamed of my figure, my weight and especially my skin and legs. Actually come to think of it, I am always very ashamed of my whole body. In fact I have this idea that the human body is just a piece of useless organism, it requires so much taking care of, and yet its constantly aging, constantly losing its vitality and shine. One can perhaps slow down the aging effect by taking cocktails of health supplements and preserving the looks with beauty products but no one, and I emphasize again, no one, will be able to completely stop the aging process and preserve the body forever. In the end, all the taking care and efforts in preserving will come to naught when the body die. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
So why bother?
Thats why I have no care for my body and neither do I really take good care of it. And the fact that my weight is always hovering on the high side and I am only 1.6m long while both of my siblings have model-liked figures made me even more ashamed of my body. Its true, my sis is 1.76m long and 48kg thick while my bro is slightly taller with a six-pack stomach and bulging biceps. I have always been the brainer while they are the lookers. Even my family, including my relatives, are always comparing our looks and figures, I have always been the fishball of the family.
However, lately for no reason, I have been looking at my body with new looks. Perhaps its has to do with the companion that I was with. I was constantly berated by him for not taking good care of my body. Or perhaps I have matured and have became less demanding of my body and my looks. Or maybe its just because I lost weight and felt more comfortable with the lesser mass. Whatever the case I am becoming less critical of my looks.
For the past few weeks, ever since my bro went to serve the nation patriotically (apparently), I had unofficially taken over the room that me and my sis shared because she, on the other hand, had unofficially taken over my bro's room. So now I am always alone in my room with my meandering thoughts, like right now. But I digressed.
Being alone in my room allow me to have more freedom. I am now able to change in my room. There was once when I was changing in my room and found myself staring at a naked me in front of the full length mirror in my room. I began to closely examine my skin and my body in critical detail for a long time. As with all people, the first things that I saw were all the flaws. I began to only notice the scars on my skin, lots of them in fact, my bulging tummy, my gross milkbags that are too large for my taste, my buffalo thighs, my twisted feet, my short legs etc. The more I stare at my image, the more I get really miserable. I began to see the Hunchback of Notre Dame looking back at me and my already diminishing self-confidence took a really sharp nosedive at that point.
Then suddenly I realized that there was actually no one in the room except me, so why the hell was I being so critical of myself? Why do I have to feel so miserable of my body when there was actually no one in the room to pass judgements or opinions of my body? And besides, I did look a little different now that I was no longer as heavy as before.
So I began to force myself to look at my image in a new light. With that thought in mind, my bulging tummy seem to have flattened a little, my breasts are firm and still perky, my lower back is still curvy, my thighs seem to have gotten lighter etc. I actually felt sexier after refusing to criticise my looks. I began to touch my tummy, my collarbones, which incidentally is the best feature of my body in my opinion, my breasts and my back. I felt lighter and look more confident after a while. Thats really new to me. I have not been able to feel that way since I turned 16.
Now, every morning before going to work, I will spend some time examining my body in front of the mirror, naked, before changing for work. In fact, its something I look forward to doing in the morning. Slowly, the girl who looked back at me is starting to look less and less like the Hunchback. I still see the flaws in my body of course, but I am starting to learn to concentrate less on them. Who in this world have flawless body anyway? I do not for a second believe that the people you see on movies do not have flawed bodies. They are just more able in hiding their flaws than the average Joe or Jane. In fact, I prefer a natural body which look more real than a flawless one. Of course I must admit that I will never accept an obese body or a stick-insect figure for that matter.
What I am trying to say is I just want a healthy and natural looking body that is pleasant looking, even though its full of flaws. And the first step that I have to do would be to learn to start accepting my flaws and be satisfied with what I have, although this is easier said that done with all the seemingly perfect bodies in magazines that are always reminding me of my flawed body. But still, I can try, can't I?
Perhaps this is what everyone should do. The world is filled with too much girls and boys who are ashamed of their looks and bodies. Their shames are probably self-imposed. If only we can accept ourself for what we are, because only then can we be totally comfortable with who we are.