Thursday, July 21, 2005

I hate myself

I am feeling really nauseous at the moment. Its like I am being isolated within my room, the four walls being my companion and this iBook is my only window to the outside world.

Its so ironic that the Internet is supposed to be the pathway to the world and yet, everytime when I log on to it, I felt even more lonely and isolated. Ultimately every personas online are just that, personas, individuals who are perhaps too afraid or too tired to venture out to the reality outside of this cold and lonely cyberworld. I for one am too tired to venture out to the real world. Just fucking sick and tired of this shitty world who seem to have forgotten me anyway.

A decision is a good one when the heart and the mind are unanimous. I made a decision with my mind and now my heart is crying everyday. Everyday, I feel like turning back into a coward and crawl back appologising for my insolence. Past images just keep flashing over and over through my mind and I felt like shit more than ever. But in the end, there really is no point in doing that. Whats done has been done.

So why do I still feel like shit everytime I came home to my room and log onto this cyberworld trying to find an outlet for my frustration and loneliness?

I hate myself more than ever for being so weak.

3 comments:

Maximus Kuseikos said...

It is such a pain to hear a human hates herself... I am only an unknown stranger Italian whose blog you occasionally read and perhaps sometimes appreciate, yet, for the little it probably matters to you, I would like to try and say something to you.
I know the feeling because I have been through that, a while ago. Sometimes mankind forgets its brethren and we are left alone in our room, perhaps in front of a window on cyberspace with a weeping heart as our sole companion.
Still, at times it can help to stop a moment and think of, well... the beauty of the world. When everything seems falling apart and the world a hopeless black hole, I stop by a second and contemplate beauty. Perhaps, try looking at a flower, or a butterfly, or the blue sky above your head, or the shining stars... there are so many wonderfully beautiful things in this world, aren't there? When I look at a flower, often it occurs to me that I am a lucky person, for this chance I have to feel its scent and watch its delicacy and touch its fresh petals.Then I realize that the world is not really that bad. Sometimes we weep because we can't make our voice heard when we are the very one person that doesn't listen to our own voice.
I would gladly sent you a tender flower to help you know what I am talking about, but I have no idea how one can send a flower across the globe to someone totally unknown so I'm afraid I'll have to pass, but perhaps you might stop by looking at one (or something else you like), and find some tenderness in it. Close your eyes and think of the beauty around you. The secret of happiness is not the pursuit of happiness but the discovery of the hidden happiness deep in our heart and our mind.
I won't pester you any longer, after all, I am just a name and a blog you read, but I just wanted to lend a hand. It hurts to see a lonely human...

DK said...

Be brave. Jia You!!!
We know you can walk away frm ur past.... You can do it...

Just remember, if the going gets tough, u always got a friend to help u. JIA YOU!!!

Iris said...

Thanks guys :)