Monday, October 30, 2006

Mr Tomato

My mum bought me this huge tomato pillow a couple of weeks back. T'was only today that I realized that I've actually got a friend who is known as Mr Tomato. Heh!

So Mr Tomato, is this one of your long lost relatives?? :D

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Tattoo again?

I feel like getting another tattoo for some reason. Guess I finally know how Cons felt when she went for it the second time.

If I were to really go get another tattoo, this time it shall be a huge one. Perhaps a huge one on my back extending to my side. Then again, I need to make sure that I have enough funds in my savings first.

And its gonna be a colored one this time. Cons was suggesting that I get a mermaid which will covered half of my entire back. I was thinking thats not a bad idea. I still have the whole of my back left to tattoo

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Gym attack!

Mission: Tummy Shrinking

Action: Short run to the gym, then vigorous workout

Result: Tummy did not seem to shrink but felt very refreshed though very tired. Limps were numb and tired. Felt like the whole body was stomped by an elephant.

Satisfaction level: Overall satisfied

Saw some cute yellow flowers along the pathway. Took pictures to prove that I did go for a workout.


Lately, I do not feel like laughing. I laughed a lot, I laughed easily but for some reason, I do not feel like laughing somehow.

Its the kind of feeling tat you have when you feel dead inside, like nothings is gonna matter at all. Nothing you do is ever right and nothing you don do is ever wrong too. Its kinda confusing actually but my point is, I am not laughing. Most of the time. And this is something which I thought I had gone through and never wanted to go through again.

Alas, I was wrong.

Most people would give up their lives to save another's life. Well, at least unselfish people would.
But the most courageous people are not the ones who would do that. The most courageous ones are those who has to choose if they are willing to give up the lives of others to save other lives. These are the people who are willing to bear the burden of making choices. Choose who to live and who to die to save others. These are the courageous whose burden is so heavy that it make all other responsibilities and burden so minute. These are the brave ones.

My parents are on a short holiday trip to Genting. Its my mum's first time out of this island and she was very excited about it for the whole week. Already started packing her stuff since Monday. Its kinda funny and rather silly but I feel as if my own children are out for a trip and I worried for my parents as if one would worry for their children. Perhaps the time has come for us to switch roles!

Due to my parents being out, and due to me not willing to endure the doggy smell in my room, I have decided to sleep in their room tonight and tomorrow night. I am having a room with a queen size bed and a toilet to myself!

I am now typing in my parents' room. The air is breezy, the night is silent and the heart is tired. So are my eyes. Already drooping.

What a wonderful way to spend my Sat today!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Something is not right

Which is better? To love or to be loved?

Its funny how such things work sometimes.

I was told by someone that as long as you are happy in a relationship, then nothing else matters. The most important is to be happy.

But what if you are happy and yet the other party is not? Would you rather hide the unhappiness and only concentrate on what makes you happy in the relationship? And at the same time ignore what is making the other party unhappy? Is there such a thing as only having the happiness of a relationship and leave the unhappiness aside? Can one really have a happy-only relationship?

Something is not right.

Its weird how one can actually feel so much for someone who hurt him and yet feel nothing for someone who cares for him.

And its weird to know that you have done so much and yet nothing seem to go according your way. Its like living in a dream. Somehow, somewhere, someday, you gotta wake up from your dream and face the reality. Why do people like to deceive themselves so much?

At the end of the day, does it really matter if you are happy? When all that ever seem to happen is that you are just gotta be alone and heartbroken?

I feel like tearing out my heart and throw it away. It serves no purpose when you are alive and yet do not want to feel alive. I feel very cold.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

A wise cab driver

This came at a time when I needed it the most.

"There would always be someone out there who is better off or worse off than you are. You live in a 5 room HDB flat, there would be someone out there who lives in a condo. And yet there will be someone who lives in a 1 room HDB flat. You spent $20 on a meal in a normal restaurant, there would be someone who can only afford to spend $2 on a pack of chicken rice at the hawker center and yet there would be another person who will not think twice to spend $200 on a upmarket posh restaurant. You look this way, there would be someone who is prettier than you, a model and yet there would be someone with defects on her face or body.

Never compare, you will always be better off or worse off than someone else in this world. Be satisfied, be happy with what you have. You have a perfectly healthy body, you have the ability to work, you are smart and you have the power to change and better your life. And yet know that whatever you have at this moment will definitely change in the future. No one stays static, know that your life experiences will change when each minute of your life passes by you. With a constantly changing life experiences, your expectations and your mentality will change as well."

All this from a cab driver who seem to know what I was going through at this period of time.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Shattered love

I gave you my heart.

But you tore it up into pieces and throw the shattered pieces back at me each time it was offered to you.

And each time, I would pick up the broken pieces with trembling hands and mend them together with my tears.

Then, with a smile on my face, I would offer you my broken love again. Hoping against hope that you would cherish it and treat it with care.

But each time I would be disappointed.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Road to nowhere

Objective: Walk from my house to the gym at Bt Gombak
Gym was not opened yet.
Ran back from Bt Gombak without enjoying the gym.
Mission Tummy-Shrinking not acomplished. Damn.

(As per DK's request, took a picture to show that I really did run.)

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Moral Compass

"The truth is, a moral compass can only point you in the right direction but it can't make you go there. Our culture preaches that you should'nt be ashamed of anything you are doing anymore.

Unfortunately, this city is built on the principle that there is no such thing as guilt. Do whatever you want, we won't tell. So without a conscience, there is nothing to stop you from killing anyone. And evidently, you don even have to feel bad about it."

Something which I got from watching CSI.

The day my jaw dropped

I was sitting at the bus stop alone tonight, waiting for my bus to arrive when I saw one of my colleagues walking to the same bus stop. This was a regular looking guy, rather short and plump, with an honest face. He is a Malaysian and like most of them, speaks with a very Cantonese accent, which sounded very nice to me by the way. I just like the way Malaysians speak.

And so we were sitting there, late in the evening covered by the bloody haze that is covering the whole island at the moment, making small talks. And complaining about the odd timings of the bus.

At that moment, one of the bosses drove out in his Volvo and sped away from the building. We saw it and I said I wished that I have a car too. So that I would not have to wait for the bus for so long and wasting my time.

And then my colleague, lets just call him K, told me, "I have a car, but its in Malaysia and its very expensive to bring it out for long into Singapore."

So, naturally I asked him, "What car do you own?"

"Oh, I've got 2 cars actually. One Evo 5 and another Evo 8. The Evo 5, I bought for about S$200,000 and the Evo 8, I won it in a race."

I was like, "WAH!"

This was a man who looked so regular and so honest that you would never believe that he races! He is very soft spoken and is a very honest looking man. He always work late and always go to work late too. I always bumped into him when I was late for work.

Then he went, "I was thinking of bringing my Evo 8 into Singapore cos its sitting at home collecting dust. The Evo 5 is not allowed into Singapore cos of the modifications."

During the short span of time, I found out that he takes part in regular car racing events back in Malaysia. He is professionally trained to race and his Evo 5 is so modified that he once outran a Ferrari before, though he attributed that to the lousy driving skills of the Ferrari driver. The highest speed that he chalked up was 340km/hr. Now, thats freaking fast! However, he said this speed was taken when his car was clamped and then the floor lowered so it was basically running with no friction and no weight, realistically, it should be 300 to 310 km/hr. There were times when he used only 4 hours to drive from Singapore to Ipoh and then there was that time when he drove up to the peak of Genting in half an hour!

"Thats still bloody fucking fast lor", I said to him

And he got his Evo 8 when his team came in 4th out of 54 teams in some important race. Mitsubishi Japan actually sent down 2 engineers from Japan to do up their cars before the race leh!

He said, he only speed when he is alone and during races. With passengers around, he will never speed. (By the way, that reminded me of someone who like to speed even with passengers in the cars, a selfish dickhead who had no regards for the safety of his passangers) Unlike some drivers who sometimes can be so arrogant when they are speeding in their outrageously modified cars, his car is rather regular looking. And he also gets very freaked out when he is racing in tracks in M'sia with un-professionally trained drivers who like to think that they are the kings of the world in their rather stupid looking cars. The reason being that these people are not trained and they are unclear about the etiquettes in a race track. The time when he outran a Ferrari was cos he was not happy with the driver who seemed to think that he owned the road and was acting like some dick head.

And then he also told me about the recent event when the M'sia traffic police invited him and his team to drive alongside illegal drivers who race for bets. The police wanted to take down these car plates and filmed down everything. And the best was that the police actually provided them their own modified cars. 2 Nissan Skylines!

I was totally impressed during the whole conversation. Then again, I am an easily impressed girl anyway..

Back to the story, this was a man who is so regular looking, short and plump that you will never believe he is such a devil on the road! And he told me all these in such a soft and matter-of-fact tone that I had to prompt him to speak up for me to be able to hear him.

I was then reminded of someone whom I used to know and who liked to race in M'sia. Now, I believe that he would the kind of person whom K would describe as a wannabe driver who think that they own the road cos their cars are faster and louder than most regular cars on the road. Going at 280km/hr seem to make them go orgasmic and I wonder what would happen if this guy that I used to know were to go at 300km/hr or 320km/hr in K's car. Then again, the inertia from his weight might be too much to allow the car to go at such a high speed!

I am an evil girl! Muahahah!

I never know that my company has such a talent manz....

Monday, October 16, 2006

Tied down emotionally?

My new colleague asked me this while chatting today.

"Iris, have you thought of getting married?"

This was not the first time I was asked this question and neither was this his first time in asking me this question.

When I was younger, in my teens, while I was still happily enjoying my puppy love, all I wanted to do was to be with my boyfriend all the time. I saw him everyday in school, ate with him, studied with him, chatted long hours with him on the phone, saw movies with him and still could not get enough of him everyday.

Then, the infactuation grew dull and we grew bored of each other. And the inevitable happened.

For a while, I was happily single, doing what I wanted, enjoying my carefree time, not tied down. It was during this period of time when I believed that being single is the best thing in the world. I made a promise to myself that I would be independent for as long as I could. I am not about to get bothered by the stuff that troubled couples. I shall do what I wanted as I deem fit. And most of all, I am not about to share my life with anyone, it shall be only me, myself and I.

And again the inevitable happened again. I changed my mind.

While meeting up with a couple of single friends a week ago, the topic of being attached came up again. Somehow this topic seem to always be around when you put a group of single or attached but unmarried ladies together. Someone in the group said this, "The fact that I am single and unattached and not about to get married in the near future does not really scare me cos I am independent and I can support myself. Whether I want to get married or not is no longer a need but rather a choice."

And of course everyone in the group agreed unanimously.

Though I really wonder if anyone in the group really wanted to remain single the whole life. As I aged everyday, the thought of being as alone as now is getting more and more creepy. And more and more scary.

I replied my concern colleague this.

"Which girl in this world does not want to get married? Of course I would want to be with someone when I get old, when I need help and when I need someone whom I can count on. And yet the thought of getting tied down, financially and emotionally is rather scary."

I have yet to be tied down financially but I have gone through what it was like to be tied down emotionally and I have no wish to go through that again.

That said, I have yet to convince myself that I want to be alone for the rest of my life.

What a dilemma.....

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Silent Singapore?

I wonder if I am in Silent Singapore or Silent Hill?

Gynae's visit

It was my first time to the gynae today and I must say its quite a weird experience to have another woman staring up between your legs, using cold and hard instruments probbing the interior of your body.

Weird is the least to say, uncomfortable and miserable is more apt.

Its quite a mindset changing experience as well. Before this, I always feel that my body is strong. I mean, I fall sick less than twice a year and I never need to see doctors for flu or cold unless its to get a medical certificate. The worst I ever got are always related to my gastric but I take the fault for that. Not a fault of my body's immune system or my ability to heal.

In essence, I am a perfectly healthy young girl, with a strong body, and I always thought I will remain that way.

Until today.

It was nothing serious actually, just a case of inonsistent and super heavy menstruation bleeding, which had already lasted for a month. Other than the inconveniences of having to endure a stupid piece of thick cotton up my legs and the troubles of changing it every other hours, there is also the impact on my mental health. I am becoming crankier than usual.

And so I went to see a doctor and then got referred to a specialist.

The doctor was a nice homely lady, who do not waste words. She got right up to point and interrogated me on my medication history, my menstral cycles and my sexual history. I was alright with all that actually. Kinda expected that. She is a gynae after all.

Then came the physical examinations. First was the vaginal speculum, then it was the long metal rod up my feminine region.

Saying that I hated it is an understatement of how I am feeling right now.

And then the urine testing, for which I had to hold on to the transparent container holding my urine while waiting at the lobby for the nurse to attend to me. Any Tom, Dick and Harry or Jane, Mary and Lucy who were at the lobby was treated to the sight of this young lady holding her urine walking around the lobby waiting for a nurse. Way to go man............

Got my pills and made another appointment to go back after 3 weeks.

And the cost? A fucking $157.70!

Whatever the case, as I was on my way back, I suddenly felt older, way much older. I realize that I ain't no superhuman and if I do not take care of my body, I am soon going to get into trouble. It may sound silly to all but I felt so vulnerable at that point of my realization.

Now, I am going to worry about countering the effects of my soon-to-be weight gain from taking the hormonal pills..


Sunday, October 01, 2006

I changed my mind

I think I owe an explanation to all the people here. After all the trouble that you guys had in helping me make a decision as to whether I should quit my job.

Truth is, after I talked to my dad and was convinced to leave my company, I changed my mind again and stayed.

I had a long talk with the big boss this time, who asked me what I really want out of my life. I was a little stump by his question. And so I told him what I want and why I decided to quit.

The day when my granny was admitted to the hospital, I came back home late and decided to go to the hospital to visit her the next day. But I never had the chance to talk to her again.

And then after her funeral when I came back to the office, I looked at my work and my office building. I was really tired, I hated to come back. I dragged my feet back to the office everyday and I was always thinking what I wanted out of my life. I don want to get into another situation again when I had to missed seeing someone else for the last time cos I was delayed at work.

And so I told the boss. I said at this moment in time, I wanted to leave my work at 6pm everyday, and go back home and spent time with my family. I wanted to balance my work and my personal life.

Which the boss replied.

"You should not blame anyone for what happened. You should learn to prioritize. I have 300 emails everyday but do you see me rushing about attending to all my emails? If I were to do that, you will not see me here talking to you, drinking coffee. When my younger brother passed away, I broke down. I stayed with him at the funeral parlor everyday until my family gave up on me. After a while I thought, the dead is gone, there is nothing we can do about it, the living should move on. I don want you to missed a chance here. Give yourself a chance and give us a chance as well, I don want my staff to make the wrong decision cos of a single episode in their life. In life, we experience a lot of things, some good and some bad. But we do not want to make a wrong decision due to some bad incidents. You might have missed seeing your granny for the last time but you can make sure that this does not happen again. Do your job efficiently and make sure you go home early and make sure you do not get too involved. Life is about balancing and not running away. Give yourself a chance here, I assured you that you will grow very fast with us. We have a lot of projects coming up and we need people like you, people who can think. Leave all the operational stuff to the rest instead. We need thinkers more than doers. I can gaurantee you that for the coming years, you will learn a lot and grow very fast with us. Stay and you will not regret it."

And then in the afternoon, my boss talked to me again.

"So how? After the boss talked to you again, you still want to leave? He has went through so much in his life and had experienced a lot, and he has the most rights to give you advices. The bosses here know their workers and they know that you are a good worker, thats why we are trying to make you stay. We need people here and I need you. I stick to my end of our agreement that you will not deal with operations anymore and I hope you are able to stick to your end of our agreement to help me. Stay and I can confirm you will grow fast within the company."

And so, my dear readers, I changed my mind and stayed on with my company. I was touched that so many people, all the way from the top wants me to stay. I just hoped that this shall not be a bad decision. And like what my sis told me, "Whatever decision you made, just make sure that you are happy and will not regret it in the near future."