Thursday, July 14, 2005

Die Another Day

Another had passed and I am here again, like yesterday night writing an entry for my blog after a tiring day at work...

While on my way back on the bus, I just let my mind run free, thoughts after thoughts of meaningless thoughts zooming pass my tired, overworked brain. It just struck me that whatever I am doing everyday are so meaningless. Days spent working, making money and sustaining this ugly body and useless mind. Days just spent issuing credit notes, issuing payments, issuing invoices, settling payment disputes, meetings, administrative tasks and walking around the office or the empty yard. What have I contributed to the society or to the human race for the past 12 hours since I opened my eyes in the morning? Nothing, absolute nothing. Everything is just so meaningless and empty. I have wasted yet another day of my empty life doing nothing eventful nor of any importance. Ever since I was borned, I have yet to contribute to the society, or make an impact to the human species and to the universe. If thats the case, then why am I still here wasting resources and feeding on the the society like a parasite? Might as well drop dead and be gone from the face of the earth. Then there would be one less human parasite in this universe, one less parasite to occupy the limited resources of this planet and generate disgusting waste while doing that.

And talking about death, what is the best way to die? Of all the methods of self-elimination, the one that I like most is still bleeding to death. Its painless, other than the first cut to break open the skin to let the blood flow out. I always have this image of me with both of my wrists slit wide open to the bone, sitting naked in a white spacious bath tub filled with water to the brim and slowly watching the red getting blended into the white, watching my life seeping out of me and going into a deep deep sleep, never waking up. Sounds very dramatic? Well, maybe cos I have been watching too much movies. But thats the way I would go about doing it if I were to embark on my plan of self-elimination. And at the other end of the spectrum of ways for self-elimination would be the worse way I would want to die, drowning. I have nightmares of myself under the blue sea, unable to rise my head above the sea level, slowly suffocating and not begin able to draw another breathe. I still do. So, you would never see me drowning myself if I were to die one day from self-elimination. And at the middle of this spectrum of self-elimination methods would be falling from a high building. I have always wonder if I were to throw myself from the roof of a building one day, would I die before reaching the ground or die on impact? Thats a very interesting notion. Has anyone thought of that before? And besides, dying in this way is rather refreshing, you get to enjoy a twisted kind of weightless euphoria before smashing your body into pieces. Now thats some motivation to die in this way.

After death, would I still be able to see and feel? Many religions preached about having a soul. So if I were to die, would my soul or perhaps just my spiritual consciousness be able to feel what happened? What I would really want to see would be who are the people who are attending my funeral, if I really have one. When I was still a girl, I read a book about a girl who threw herself off her balcony and smashed her head before killling herself. Her spirit still lived, wandering about. She began to visit each of her friends and families to see their reactions after her deaths and as a result unveiled many skeletons in many closets. Would I be able to do that if I were to die? Who will be attending my funeral? You? Would you want to come to my funeral? Would you cry at my funeral and ask why I did what I do or would you just look at my body in the cosy coffin and felt nothing, no sadness and no feelings, just as a normal person looking at another stranger lying in her eternal sleep in the box covered with cushion? Incidentally, has any one wonder how cosy coffin actually looked? Its a tight box filled with cushions but are the cushions and pillows soft or they are just filled with hard foam to create a false sense of comfort for the person lying inside in her eternal sleep? Thats quite an interesting notion actually.

By the way, thinking of lying in a coffin, somone once told me that he would want to stuff me inside a transparent plastic coffin filled with hissing cockroaches. Thinking about his remark, it really hurt, knowing that he know full well that I have claustrophia. Maybe if you really want, when I am dead, you just need to ask my parents for permission to do that. You just need to tell them that you have my permission to do that since I hate this body anyway and besides I would not be able to feel anything physically since I am already dead. Just make yourself happy, mutilating my body. I don give a damn about it anyway. I hate this useless body of mine. Such a drag to take care of it everyday anyway, might as well destroy it and use it to satisfy another person's desire.

So there you go, another day has passed. Another day filled with emptiness had passed and another day towards my impeding death. Its makes perfect sense to say that all beings are waiting for their deaths as soon as they crawled out from their mother's warm womb. Actually all organisms, be it a plant, a micro-organism, or an animal, we are all just waiting for our deaths on this planet. Come to think of it, everything in this universe are just waiting to get eliminated or get destroyed at the point when they are formed. Nothing last forever in this universe. Stars are formed every moment, stars are dying each moment. Universe are formed and universe die each second, its just that we are not able to see them happening thats all. How long do you think our sun would last? Billions, zillions or trillions of years? So what? In the end, it would still die off, no matter what. So that being the point, why are we humans still fighting everyday, for power, for money, for that moment of happiness and most ironic of all, for life? Isn't it so ironic that whatever we won from fighting, we would still have to lose it in the end when we are dead? How laugable and how pathetic humans are. In the process of fighting, we lost sight of the fact that nothing last forever. Why not be less ambitious and let go of what we are fighting for? Nothing is worth fighting for. Love, principles, values, power, money, civilizations, land, identity or just simple happiness. In the end, everything will be gone when you are dead.

There you have it, the raging thoughts of an empty girl, just a walking mindless body going through the everyday duties, feeling nothing and seeing death everywhere. Interesting? I hope so. Mind-blogging, I don think so. Its quite simple actually, death is everywhere and nothing is worth fighting for and humans and all things that were created are just parasites feeding off the universe, just waiting for the right moment to die or get destroyed. Maybe one day I shall just self-eliminate and shorten my dying process and get rid of one useless organism from this universe.

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