Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Him and Her

"Why do people here paint their boats the same colour as their houses?"

"Its for the wives to know that their husbands had return from the sea."

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As she lay there in the still of the evening, she felt at peace with herself. She looked at his closed eyes, touched his lips, felt his breathe and see the fine hair on his hands. He looked so beautiful when he was sleeping.

She felt so safe in his arms, protected and warm in his embrace.

She brushed her hands across his lips and felt the lines. She ran her fingers across his chest and felt him stirred in his sleep. She smiled to herself, felt a deep longing within her, a longing for him.

She closed her eyes and wrapped her arms across his chest and fell asleep in his arms, with a smile on her face, secured in the knowledge that she will always be safe in his arms.

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He felt a slight stiring beside him and opened his eyes and saw her.

She looked like a child, naked and beautiful in the evening light. Her hair was spreaded out around her head like a darkened pool of mysterious light. Her lips were red and she was smiling in her sleep, her expression cheeky and lighthearted. Her arm were outstretched across his chest and wrapped tightly around him, embracing him as she slept. Her breasts were full and her chest was heaving rhythmically with her every breathe.

She looked so beautiful, like an angel, dark and proud and yet like a child, vulnerable and to be protected. She was his queen, his charge, his angel.

He closed his eyes, and hugged her tightly as she slept, wrapping himself tightly around her, as if telling her that she will always be safe with him and he will never let her down.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Thank you all!

I never realize the powers of tomorrow.sg until now! Wow, suddenly this little blog of mine was filled with so many comments and so many advices!

Thank you all very much for the advices.

I have decided to leave and take up the other offer.

My father put it best when he told me this:

"Leave your current job cos you are always so unhappy when you come back home from work."

Something so simple and yet hits the bull's eyes. And that seal my fate.

Finally!

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Should I leave?

A continuation of my previous posting. And its now more complicated and agonizing.

When I tendered my resignation, there wasn't much of a reaction from my boss. He accepted it and wished me good luck, which was kinda surprising cos he liked me a lot.

Then one day later, he had a long and serious talk with me, as per my last posting. He gave me a deadline to give him my answer on Mon.

And then yesterday, my 2 big bosses and a female senior manager of my company was also involved in trying to make me stay.

In the afternoon, the COO of the company called me to his room. The first thing he said was "Why?" I shall not go into details about the 2 hour long conversation but instead of asking me to stay with the company, he actually advised me on the kind of industry I should go. He also made the point that big companies are rather rigid and hard to manoeuver and most of the time when they do, there will be people left behind. Implications: its easy to get axed in a big MNC. And then he said his company is on the lookout of capable people and if I feel that my current department is not suitable for me, he will transfer me out to another area. He offered me a position in a new department, which was newly set up, an area where they are totally no one at the moment.

I replied that I have already made up my mind and is actually looking forward to joining the new company and it is really kinda hard for me to pull myself back to work in his company at the moment. However, since I promised my boss to rethink my decision, I shall give him and myself a chance and think about his offer and let him know my answer on Monday.

An hour after his long talk with me, I was called up into a senior manager's room. She is a rather chatty lady and has the amazing ability to analyze the situation and then come up with solutions. The funny thing is she is not even my direct boss and has no direct chain of command over me.

It turned out that my CEO called her to talk to me, asking her to find out from me the real reason why I am leaving and perhaps to persuade me to stay.

And so I told her. I am in fact very tired. Its been a long and tiring journey with the company. I have just reach my breaking point long ago and yet I am still struggling on. No doubt, I learnt a lot from the experiences that was offered to me but when your work is actually affecting your personality and taking up too much of your private life, it is really not worth it. I told her this. "can you imagine my duties now are split into 3 persons? That was my work load in the past and somemore, I wasn't really given much of a time to learn before I was thrown into the duties. I was sort of thrown into the ocean without knowing how to swim. I did almost drowned a couple of times but its taking up all my strength. Even though my duties are now evenly spreaded out, I am at the point of a burntout. I am so tired that in fact whenever I stepped into the company, I just feel like running away. There were times when I broke down and I still had to clenched my teeth and struggled on. And the frustration of working is affecting me and my personality. I became very bad tempered and very fouled mouthed, ticked off easily by little things. My relationship with my parents suffered and I always feel so tired. Two months ago, I tendered my resignation but held back cos I had not found a job. And then now that my boss took out my duties and arranged everything nicely and since I had found a new job, its really time for me to leave.

She told me that actually she talked to my boss a while back regarding me. She told him that it is no way to make someone work so hard. There will come a breaking point. No matter how committed a worker is, there will come a point when too much is too much. This is what is happening to me at the moment. However she also said, you must also think about your career path. The company had already planned out something for you and if I really don like what I am doing, there perhaps I can transfer to the new department and be a pioneer there and set up the operations there. I told her that I will think about my decision and give my answer to everyone on Mon. But I strongly indicated to her that I have already decided. The last word that she said to me was "whatever decision that you took, just make sure that you are happy with it and will not regret it."

And then that night, my boss took me out with my colleagues to the karoke. It was just like in the past when all of us just make a fools out of ourselves, me especially and got drunk. I am actually writing this entry with trembling hands and a hungover. Boss himself even stayed back late and joined us for the drinking session when he never really like to drink much. And as before, I puked so much that I had cramps. My colleague who drove me home had to park his car in a parking lot cos he did not dare to drive after a while. Too tired and too drunk. I only reached home at 6am this morning in fact...

And so dear readers of this blog, ms froggie here really need some advices. Am I making a wrong decision here by leaving the company when the bosses really like me so much and think so highly of me? Or if I were to stay, will I be giving up a good opportunity?

Argh! What should I do? Monday is the d-day!!! Help!

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Choices, choices!

I quit my current job. I have got a better offer in terms of pay and work in a large American MNC.

At first my boss let me go when he heard that. He did not say anything when he heard the name of the company that I am going to join.

Then today, he had a long talk lasting for 3 hours with me. He said he had been accomodating with me, giving me what I wanted and stuff like that. Which actually is true, he did pass a huge bulk of my workload to my colleagues and put me in business developments. He had even planned out career path for me. However, before everything is about to start, I am tendering. This is not fair for him, he said. Besides, he trust me a lot, allowing me to handle sensitive management stuff even though I am not part of the management. He even told me that the figures that I am handling for him are not accessible to his assistant manager. Which is also true.

And he is even willing to give me the same pay that the other company is giving me.

The thing is, I have already decided to quit. I am finally throwing in the towel. Its been a very taxing and tiring journey for me. I actually sacrificing a lot of my personal life for this job. Because of my colleagues, I lost a dear friend, although I did find him back in the end. Because of my job, I became very loud, bad tempered and vulgar, sprouting very colourful languages when things do not go my way. Because of my working environment, I had to put up with a lot of cigarette smokes and ended up even thinking about taking up smoking. Because of my working hours, I always had to go home late and had to miss lots of my personal private time. It is also because of my working hours that I missed the chance to see my granny for the last time.

I am tired, seriously. I told my boss that I would like a job that gives me satisfaction and I do not mind slogging for the company. But if the job is affecting my personal life and my character and personality adversely, then I do not think it is worth to keep working. It is too much of a sacrifice. I do not want to become another person. I want to be happy as well in my work. Therefore, it is now time for me to leave. I know it is selfish for me ultimately to leave him before he can start all his upcoming projects but I do not want to get him in a situation when I quit halfway through his projects because that would even be worse off. And also I do not want to make myself very unhappy by staying in this job. I am seriously very tired.

However, I also told him that I will think about what he said. I owed him that.

I am so confused. Am I being stupid and foolish to leave when my boss had planned out my career path for me? In the current job, I will have the chance to travel overseas to oversee new projects and to do business development. I will also be having a higher pay than now, the same pay that I will be getting in the new company. The drawback is that the current company is a local company while the new company is a huge American MNC, a famous one at that too. There is also the fact that my health and personal life will continue to take beatings.

Arrgghh... What am I to do?

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Give My Love

I was home early today and was watching the idiot box when I saw this Korean drama "Save the Last Dance for Me". And it touched me, which was quite unexpected cos I never like Korean or Japanese romance dramas, always think that they are too exaggerated and too fairy-tale.

For some reason, this one particularly touched me. And I did not even watch the show, only managed to catch a few portions of it. Portions about heartbreaks and pain. Pain of having to lose someone whom you love and having to suffer in silence. Having to get through your life as if everything is alright, when in the deepest corner of your heart, you know that you will never be alright again cos you lost a piece of your heart when you lost that someone.

I once told someone that being emotional is not a sign of weakness. Rather it is being human. It is an sign of being alive. That you are alive to have emotion, to be able to feel. Feelings are what make us whole.

Heartbreaks. How many people here have never gone through them. Those who have never gotten them are fortunate but those who have gotten them are not unfortunate either. Because those who have undergone hearbreaks are given the opportunity to feel, to get emotional and to know what it is like to be human.

But oh the pain, the pain of losing the person that you love, it certainly aches so much. The pain is so suffocating and so sharp that it just make you dead, to the core of your existence. Why then do we have to feel pain to feel?

Such are the pains of love..

When I look in your eyes I can see that you
Want to be with me but you’re so scared
And I don’t know what to say or do
But the tears keep falling from your eyes
And I know that
Times won’t change my love
And I can’t do nothing to keep you

Oh, I’ll give my love oh when I hold you tight
Give my love through kisses oh so bright
And you know that I can’t change my love
Take my love all through the night…
As the hours pass away
You think that love ain’t here to stay
Feel a beat from your chest
But you don’t give doubt a moment’s rest
You dream the future and all you see is dark
Listen to your heart, baby, the truth will set sparks

Now I’ll give my love oh when I hold you tight
Give my love through kisses oh so bright
And you know that I can’t change my love
Take my love all through the night

Now I’ll give my love oh when I hold you tight
Give my love through kisses oh so bright
And you know that time won’t change my love
Take my love all through the night

I’ll give my love oh when I hold you tight
Give my love, through kisses oh so bright
And you know that I can’t change my love
Take my love all through the night

Now I’ll give my love oh when I hold you tight
Give my love through kisses oh so bright
And you know that I can’t change my love
Take my love all through the night

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Death: Beginning or End?

Mum told me that granny was supposed to return to visit us last night. It may sound scary but according to Chinese beliefs, the spirits of your dead love ones will return for a last visit at a specific time. However, as always, there are variations regarding this belief.

According to my uncle and who went to consult some Taoist priests of some sort, granny was supposed to return last night.

And yet according to my dad, granny had never left us, she would be around for 49 days before leaving us permanently.

That left me wondering. What really happened after one passes on? Will there be a doorway with white light that is suposed to guide you to the other world, the nether world? Or is it the end when you die?

Death is supposed to be the beginning of another journey and the beginning of something else. If thats the case, then its reall not the end.

Right?

I am getting all confused just by thinking of the endless possiblities.

The old woman

If I got home early from work and take the train back home, I would surely bump into this old woman sitting along the covered walkway linking the train station to the bus interchange. She sells tissue papers and towels there to earn her income and she will be sitting on a small stool with her stuff in front of her and shouting to passerbys if they want to buy her stuffs. There were times when she would be walking about approaching the passerbys. And then there were times when she would talking to herself, as if to alleviate her boredom of sitting there.

She has very small eyes and wrinkling skin. She is very thin and she always sport a pair of black pants and blue flowery top, those kind that you would find old ladies in their eighties to wear.

Somehow she reminds me of my granny.

Please, if any of you readers ever see her sitting along the covered walkway leading from Bukit Batok MRT station to the bus interchange, spare her some time and buy something from her.

I thank you for her.

Monday, September 11, 2006

千里之外



True love?


屋檐如悬崖风铃如沧海我等燕归来
时间被安排演一场意外你悄然走开
故事在城外浓雾散不开看不清对白
你听不出来风声不存在是我在感慨

梦醒来是谁在窗台把结局打开
那薄如蝉翼的未来经不起谁来拆
我送你离开千里之外你无声黑白
沉默年代或许不该太遥远的相爱
我送你离开天涯之外你是否还在
琴声何来生死难猜用一生去等待

闻泪声入林寻梨花白只得一行青苔
天在山之外雨落花台我两鬓斑白
闻泪声入林寻梨花白只得一行青苔
天在山之外雨落花台我等你来

一身琉璃白透明着尘埃你无瑕的爱
你从雨中来诗化了悲哀我淋湿现在
芙蓉水面采船行影犹在你却不回来
被岁月覆盖你说的花开过去成空白

梦醒来是谁在窗台把结局打开
那薄如蝉翼的未来经不起谁来拆
我送你离开千里之外你无声黑白
沉默年代或许不该太遥远的相爱
我送你离开天涯之外你是否还在
琴声何来生死难猜用一生...

我送你离开千里之外你无声黑白
沉默年代或许不该太遥远的相爱
我送你离开天涯之外你是否还在
琴声何来生死难猜用一生去等待

Saturday, September 09, 2006

爱得痛了, 痛得哭了, 哭得累了











翻开随身携带的记事本
写着许多事都是关于你
你讨厌被冷落
习惯被守候
寂寞才找我

我看见自己写下的心情
把自己放在卑微的后头
等你等太久
想你泪会流
而幸福快乐是什么

爱得痛了
痛得哭了
哭得累了
日记本里页页执着
记载着你的好
像上瘾的毒药
它反复骗着我

爱得痛了
痛得哭了
哭得累了
矛盾心里总是强求
劝自己要放手
闭上眼让你走
烧掉日记重新来过

我看见自己写下的心情
把自己放在卑微的后头
等你等太久
想你泪会流
而幸福快乐是什么

爱得痛了
痛得哭了
哭得累了
日记本里页页执着
记载着你的好
像上瘾的毒药
它反复骗着我

爱得痛了
痛得哭了
哭得累了
矛盾心里总是强求
劝自己要放手
闭上眼让你走
烧掉日记重新来过

爱得痛了
痛得哭了
哭得累了
矛盾心里总是强求
劝自己要放手
闭上眼让你走
重新来过

In Memory of My Granny (1921 to 2006)

小朋友你是否有很多顽抗
为什么别人在那看漫画
我却在学画画
对这钢琴说话别人在玩游戏
我却在躲在家背ABC
我说我要一架大大的飞机
我却得到一只旧旧螺旋机
为什么要听妈妈的话
长大后你就会开始懂得这段话

长大后我开始明白
为什么我跑得比别人快
飞得比别人高
将来大家看的都是我画的漫画
大家唱的都是我写的歌

妈妈的心她不让你看见
温暖的事都在她心里面
有空就得多摸摸她的手
把手牵着一起梦游

听妈妈的话,别让她受伤
想快快长大,才能保护她
美丽的白发,幸福中发芽
天使的魔法,温暖中慈祥

在你的未来音乐是你的王牌
那王牌谈的恋爱
而我不想把你教坏
还是听妈妈的话
晚年再恋爱吧
我知道你未来的路
干嘛比我更清楚

你因为太多学习的同学在这块写东写西
但我建议最好听妈妈我会用功读书
用功读书怎么会从我嘴巴说出
不想你输所以要叫你用功读书
妈妈挑给你的毛病你要好好的收着
因为不知道是我要告诉她我还留着
对了我会遇到周润发
所以你对跟同学炫耀赌神未来是你爸爸
我找不到你写的情书
你喜欢的要承认因为我会了解你会在操场上牵她
你会开始喜欢唱流行歌
因为张学友开始准备唱吻别

听妈妈的话,别让她受伤
想快快长大,才能保护她
美丽的白发,幸福中发芽
天使的魔法,温暖中慈祥

听妈妈的话,别让她受伤
想快快长大,才能保护她

长大后我开始明白为什么我
跑得比别人快飞得比别人高
将来大家看的都是我画的漫画
大家唱的都是我写的歌
妈妈的心她不让你看见
温暖的事都在她心里面
有空就得多摸摸她的手
把手牵着一起梦游

听妈妈的话,别让她受伤
想快快长大,才能保护她
美丽的白发,幸福中发芽
天使的魔法,温暖中慈祥

She was sent into the crematorium, there were no dry eyes. Amid all the chantings and the prayings and the kowtowings, her coffin was placed on the trolley, directly in front of the incinerator.

The door opened. The interior was made of bricks, it was small and compact inside. The air inside was thick and had a reddish tinge but there were no open flames. Her coffin was pushed inside, mechanically. For a few seconds, nothing happened. Then suddenly the red cloth that was placed on her coffin caught fire by itself. The cloth started to burn and the assistant closed the door. We stood there, waiting, crying, remembering her.

A couple of hours later, we went back to the crematorium, ready to collect her remains. We walked along a long corridor to the Collection Room, following the assistant. Her ashes were then rolled out on a simple trolley, already collected on a piece of red plastic sheet. The assistant began to transfer her remains onto the table and proceeded to sort them out. We were told to call her to rest in peace, in her final resting place. Dad, being the eldest son was the first one to place her first bit into a beautiful white urn. Then followed by uncle, and the rest of us.

A piece of yellow cloth was then folded properly and placed inside the urn. Then Dad hugged the urn and followed the monks, with us following closely behind and proceeded to the
columbarium pagoda. She already had choosen a lot for herself 6 years ago, and fully paid for it with her own savings. The urn was then passed to the assistant there and we were told to give her one last look and say whatever that we wanted to say to her for the last time. Afterwhich the door was closed and sealed. Her picture was then slotted on the outside of her door.

It was finally over. Mama is finally resting in peace now.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Granny's wake

People came, people went, they paid their last respects to my granny and went away after sitting for a while.

The whole family was very united in preparing the last rites for our dear granny. There were some minor squaffles but on the whole it was alright. All of us were very tolerant and cooperative. Uncles and aunties did their best to make sure that the young ones were comfortable and everything was prepared nicely for the wake. Little details like the arrival of the catering and the peanuts and watermelon seeds on the tables were place nicely on the table before the arrival of the guests. There were some minor disagreements regarding the placement of the flowers and such but these are to be expected, considering that my granny had 5 children, 10 grandchildren. 3 son-in-laws and 2 daughter-in-laws.

Everything was rather surreal. Granny passed on on Tue and tomorrow shall be the last time we will be able to see her body before she will be cremated. It was a lucky thing that the nursing home took a last picture of her when she was alive. Granny never like taking pictures cos she said she look hideous on pictures. She did put on a smile in the picture but her eyes weren't smiling. She never like staying in the nursing home and with her physical discomfort, its no wonder that her eyes were not cheerful in her picture. Nevertheless, it was a fortunate thing that we have a picture of our granny in her last days.

I believe Granny is now off to a much better place with my Grandpa. Aunt told me that Grandpa had waited for 40 years for Granny. He passed on before my parents were married. I think Granny is truly happy in her new home now, together with my Grandpa.

Tomorrow shall be her cremation, I think its going to be hard on the whole family. Preparing for the wake helps to distract us from the pain of losing her but the sight of seeing your own mother or grandmother's body getting burnt is not good memory. No good, no good at all..

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Will you ever find where you will be?

Suffocation

The emotional pains are really killing me slowly.
One caused by death, physical death of someone I loved.
The other caused by hurt, emotional hurt by someone I have feelings for.
I am so suffocated, so confused.
If my emotional turmoils were to have a physical effect on my heart, I think today my heart just suffered a huge slash across, leaving a gaping hole through it.
Sometimes I just wish that I would evaporate from the surface of this earth so that I will never need to deal with such human pains.

Bye Mama

When I touched her forehead, it was cold but not clammy. Her skin was very smooth and was quite cheery in colour. Her eyes were partially closed and her face was well filled up, unlike her normal skinny looking face. My aunties were telling me that she was alright last night and was very alert to her surroundings. In fact, after the doctor pumped out the waste material in her bowels, she was commenting that she felt so much better, not as bloated as before. She even had a cup of cereal too.

This morning at around 6am, I was woken up by my parents' cryings. I knew at once that the inevitable had happened, but it was still very unexpected.

At the hospital, I saw my 2 aunties with very red and swollen eyes. I looked behind the curtain and there she was, lying peacefully on her bed, like she was sleeping. The only thing that gave away her state was the absence of pillow behind her head. She was lying with her head on the mattress and her head was tilted slightly upwards. Mum and Dad went to her and began to talk to her silently, telling her that everything was alright and that she could go peacefully. All her children are all grown and there is nothing for her to worry anymore.

I have never seen my Dad cry before and this was a huge shock to me. My Dad's tears were literally dripping and his voice was choked with emotions. Mum had to shout out so that her voice would not break. I stood at the foot of her bed and looked on, trying hard not to cry.

Then Mum said, "Jinghua, come over and tell Granny that you are here already."

I went over and touched her forehead and said, "Mama, I am here already, I have come to bring you home. We are going home."

And I had to sitfle my floodgates of emotions before I could get my words out. Her forehead was cold and she just lied there unemotionally, unfeeling with no reactions. I almost wanted to shout at her and ask her to wake up cos I missed her and do not want her to go, she should not leave us.

But she lied there, cold and stiff. I felt something wet on my feet and I realized that I dropped some tears down.

The last time I spoke to her was on Sunday. I went to visit her at the nursing home and she was looking very daze, as if she had no idea why she was there. She kept complaining that she did not feel like eating. The last words that I said to her before I left was, "Mama, you got to eat, otherwise you have no stregth and I cannot bring you out for walks when I am here to visit you. Next time I come over, I want to see you eating, ok."

She nodded her head in acknowledgement and I gave her shoulders a slight press before leaving her.

And last night I wanted to rush down to the hospital to visit her. When I got home, it was going to rain and the sky was red and dark. So me and sis decided that we should visit her at the hospital tonight instead.

And yet, we still could not make it on time. She was gone before we had a chance to bade our farewells.

I looked at her on her bed and she was so frail and tiny. She used to be so strong and independent. When she was in her 70s, she used to venture out of her house alone, without losing her ways. She was always there during my childhood, always advising us calmly whenever my uncles and aunties met any problems. She was the matriarch of our family and she was the person that bind us together.

During her last days, she looked so different, so old, so frail and so vulnerable. And so much like a child.

I am so sorry that I wasn't there to see her for the last time when she passed on.

Monday, September 04, 2006

I want to scream

It was all fine. Until a silly remark from me.

Now I feel like screaming shouting out all my emotions until I am dead inside.

I feel like killing myself slowly to feel the physical pain to take away the pain inside me, the pain which cannot be seen nor felt by any other people. Except myself. The pain which cannot be healed.

This is so painful... It hurts so much. I hate myself!!!!!!!!