Sunday, October 30, 2005

Story of a Sex Worker

I don know if this is real or its a make-up. But if its real, I really admire Shirley for her courage..

The Beginning

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Be Strong

When she was very young, she was already feeling very angry. Her father passed away when she was barely out of her childhood and although she did not really spend much time with him, she still missed him a lot. To support the family, her mum was always working. The sacrifice that she had to make was to let both her children be taken care of by their granny and in order to make up for that, she let them have all the material comforts that they wanted. As a result, she did not have much parental guidance. She felt confused and angry, or it was just a case of wanting for attention.

During her secondary school days, she turned rebellious. She got mixed up with the wrong kind of people and created a lot of trouble. She picked up lots of bad habits and was always out until the wee hours of the morning. Although her mum was very concerned, there wasn't much she could do. Her daughter just refused to get involve with her, perhaps blaming her mum for everything indirectly.

Ironically, it was also her mum who made her turn over a new leaf. She introduced Christianity to her. I still remembered her telling me how boring and irritating it was when her mum pestered her to go church. It was also perhaps due to the fact that her best friend is a Christian that she agreed to join the church, albeit reluctantly. Things began to change for the better and she became a better person. She lost weight and became a very beautiful young lady. Its like she totally transformed, physically and emotionally. Her anger at everything slowly became duller and duller until it got extinguished, finally.

When she turned 20, she met a man. This year marked their fourth year and they even made plans to get married. In fact, 30th Sep 2005 was supposed to be their engagement day. They brought the rings, got an apartment and stuff like that. She was truly very happy.

Then came the bombshell. Her soon-to-be fiance told her that he got another girl pregnant and he had to take responsibility for what he did. It broke her heart. It was her first serious relationship and she loved the man alot even though she has no lack of suitors. It was like her world came tumbling down on her at her pinnacle of happiness. Its so unfair.

Now, there is nothing much she can do other than to let time do its wonderful job of healing. She is strong and I believe that she will survive. She has to.

Take care and be strong, my dear friend.

The I-look-like-a-lobster day.

This was the sun that I was under the whole afternoon..

These were the cars that had to be accounted for..

This was the burning gravel ground that i was walking on the whole afternoon..

Now, I look and feel very much like an overcooked lobster... I hate stock take days..

What do I want?

Wannabe Sugarbaby just sums up my feelings here:

I Don't Know What I Want

"The journey is fun but I'm going nowhere fast.
Today I tried to think of things that made me happy and I had a difficult time doing so.
I came up with; candles, sweets, shiny things, summer, sex and a few other tangibles.
What do I want?
I don't know.
From a man, from a friend, from a career, from life, I'm clueless.
I have no short term goals and therefore NO FOCUS.
No wonder I'm floundering. I need to figure out how I'm going to get to where I want to go.."

Thursday, October 27, 2005

So Cheap....

Thats how much my blog is worth...

My blog is worth $3,387.24.
How much is your blog worth?

Kinda cheapo but still, if only its real money...!

Hantu! Hantu!

I am in the mood for some ghost stories and what better time to talk about such time when Halloween is around the corner!

Bear in mind though the stuff that I will be talking about are from personal experiences. I did not fake them and neither did I exaggerate the stories.. So those of you who can't stomach horror stuff, do not read..

You had been warned...

(2nd warning: long post ahead..)

My sister has the ability to see ghosts, spirits or whatever you call the unnatural sightings. The first time we know about her special or cursed capability was when she tagged along with my mum to burn joss paper during the Chinese Seventh Month. My mum was happily burning "money" when my sis, she was like 8 or 9 years old during that time, suddenly tugged at her shirt and asked her to move away from where she was standing. My mum was pissed and curious at the same time cos she distinctly told my sis not to talk while she was doing her stuff. So she scolded my sis but sis told her, "Mummy, move away! There is a very tall man standing beside you and he want to eat the food on the ground! He is really tall!" Of course mum couldn't see anyone near her at that time.

That was the time when my parents found out that sis has this cursed ability..

Fast foward to today, sis had already became used to seeing strange beings suddenly. Of course there were times when she got afraid but most of the time she would just keep quiet when she bumped into such stuff. And there were times when she would just freak me out. Especially when it happened at home.

Me and her were watching TV late one night. I still remembered that it was showing Charmed on a Wed night at 10pm. It was nearing 11pm at that time and all my folks were sound asleep except for me and her. We were in the living room and I was sitting near the balcony. There was a potted plant beside me. She was at my side. We were positioned in such a way that I would have to turn my body to the right to face the TV while she was facing the box directly. The cabinet holding the TV has glass doors and we would be able to see the reflection of the dinning room behind us while facing the TV. Suddenly I saw something wearing white moved behind my sis and went into the kitchen. Thinking that it was my dad to get a drink in the kitchen cos he is always in a white shirt at home, I did not give it a 2nd thought. However after a while, I began to have second thoughts about my dad being thirsty cos he seemed to be taking a long time. So I asked sis, "Did pa just went into the kitchen?"

She said, "Nope."

"Then, who was that in white who just went into the kitchen?!"

"Didn't you see him? He was standing beside you all along. Hes not actually in white, he was in a light blue top and the material is like those that you would find on a towel."

I was like, "Fuck! And you only tell me now!?" Although I did not exclaim out loud cos I was still trying to maintain my cool.. Even though I was freaking out inside.. After the show, both of us hurrily turned off the TV and went to bed, locking our bedroom door..


Anyone standing at my main door would be able to see my bedroom and my bed directly and the passage that leads to my parent's room.

The door facing you belongs to my parents' room and the second door on the left side is my room with the toilet facing us. You can see the foot of my bed. I took this picture while in the living room near the main door, so you can see how anyone entering out house is able to see my room directly and a tiny part of my bed.

There was a time when sis just came home and I was halfway in the shower. She waited for me to come out and then she asked a strange question, especially when I was alone at home the whole day and there were no one other than the 2 of us at that time.

"jie, did you just go into the toilet when I opened the front door?"

"No, I was inside the shower for like 15mins already, before you even came home."

Then came the freaky part..

"I just saw someone rose from your bed and went to the shower when I just stepped into the house.."

"Wah lau! Can you stop telling me what you see all the time can or not?!"

After that comment, I always feel very uneasy when I went to sleep on my bed...

Next story is about my own experience..

I was staying up really late at night, chatting with a friend online. It was like 4am in the morning. I had my earphone plugged in and was typing on my iB. My back was facing my bed and my sis was sound asleep on the upper deck of my bed. We have double decker bed.

Then I heard loud sighs coming from behind me. Considering that my volume was turned up rather high, I thought my ears were playing tricks on me. Then the sighs kept coming and my curiousty was aroused. I took off my earphone and turned around, thinking that my sis was snoring. The silence of the night.. Plugged in my earphones again and after a while, the sighs came again. Took off my earphones and turned around to look at my sis to ask her to shut up and all was silent again. This happened for the third time when I realized something was freakingly wrong.. Freaky hell.. And so I offed my iB, jumped into bed and pulled the covers over me in record time.. Perhaps, I was real tired but I actually fell asleep immediately..

There were still a couple more of interesting stories but I think these are enough for now. I happened to be typing alone in my room. Although, its brightly lit and the door is opened with all my folks still awake, its still rather scary... So much so that I kept turning my head behind me to take a look..


To be continued....

Wednesday, October 26, 2005


This accident happened in front of my office today. A blue car was trying to overtake the trailer and miscalculated the speed of the trailer, causing the trailer to jam-brake suddenly. As a result the pipes on the trailer just slided in front.

Surprisingly, no one was hurt in the accident, not even the driver of the trailer.

So you drivers out there, remember to be careful while driving. Do not speed, especially not during wet days. The risks are not worth it. Imagine if both the drivers were underneath the pipes..

Pent-up anger

Does anyone know if lack of water will cause one to be very angry?

Lately I seem to be feeling angry all the time. Its like I want to get involved into quarrels and any little thing would just tilt the cauldron over and then all the boiling lava will flow out. And I have this feeling that everyone around me are purposely doing things to spite me, to make me more angry.

And my chest hurts all the time. My pulse is like running so fast that I get breatheless all the time and I will have to sigh, causing my colleague to think that I was facing some problems at work. When in actual fact, its cos I was feeling really breatheless and I need to take deep breathes.

The only reason that I can think of is that I don drink enough water in a day. In fact, there were days when I don even drink plain water AT ALL.

Or perhaps I am just getting abnormal pyschologically?

Who knows, one day I might just drop dead from a severe heart attack and the next time anyone sees me would be in a coffin..

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Of Jinxes & crashes

Today was a field day, everything does not seem to go smoothly.. Sigh.. And I think Porsches just do not like me at all. All shipments revolving Porsche cars have always gone badly and everything just screwed up on me.

This time its not 1 but 2 Porsches. They were shipped out for some stupid exhibition and now they are coming back. The problem is that the customer is one impatient woman. The 2 containers just arrived last night and today she was screaming for the cars to be cleared out. And the worst thing was she did not even provide us with complete sets of documents for us to clear for her.. Eunis was like so caught in between her and the Custom.

Then the worst thing was when everything was finalised with Custom and we were going to proceed to declare the necessary permits for these 2 cars, our system crashed..! All data gone just like that and for the whole afternoon, the whole company cannot use it. All of us were like ants on a firehill, panicking like hell.

First, the system in the office crashed on me. And then Safari decided to crash on me too. Everytime I tried to access Blogger, Safari just crashed. Damn.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Sex, love, virginity, marriage.

Why is a woman expected to stay a virgin while there are no such expectations on a man? Society does have its twisted imposition of opinions on woman and the way she should live. Its just so sick and twisted. You have movies like "The 40 year old virgin" making fun of men who are virgins when they are old and yet you have corny jokes talking about woman who have not been fucked before and the usual negative connonations that come with it. And yet there is always this underlying implications that come with girls who are not virgins but who are not married. And most of the connonations that come with it are usually negative.

I am just so sick and tired of all the comments about how hard its to find a virgin girl in our society. Most of the comments made by guys who are not virgins themselves or worse, who like to play the field. On the contrary, I know of a lot of girls who are still virgins. Its just a matter of coming out of the closet for them.

What confused me deeply is the ideas and emphasis that people place on virginity. There really is too much emphasis on the big V. Advocates of post-marital sex would always give the reason that one should reserve the special moment of fucking the first time until their wedding night. And when you ask them how special, most of the time, its just a simple "Its just special." So I ask, whats so special?

I am not an open person and yet I am not naive too. If you can tell me how special that special is, I would concede defeat. Just make me understand how special it is to fuck for the first time on the wedding night? And how special it is if the 2 person getting married are virgins and have to confront sex for the first time, creating so much awkwardness as a result. You get my point?

And I emphasized that I am not a loose person and neither am I a feminist in saying what I am saying here. In fact, I am anti-feminism. Its just that I find it really unfair for the society to impose their ideas and expectations on women to stay a virgin until they are married and yet if they are still a virgin when they are old, not married, they will be laughed at. At the other end of the spectrum, men are expected to lose their virginity as soon as they are "mature" enough to understand how humans mate, otherwise they will be considered lame, pun intended.

Men have needs, so do women. Society often forgets that. Sex is only sex, its how one priorities sex and love that matters. If sex is only so superficial while love is supposed to be something deep, then it does not really matter if one is a virgin until one get married. In the end, its the heart that really matters and the feelings that go with having sex. The emotional feelings, not the physical ones.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

I want to be Vindicated

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of which has caught my eye

And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated

I am Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along

And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intentions
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isoloated, so motivated
I am certain now that

So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
and let me slip away

Slight hope
It dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption...

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Yoshi's Island

Dear limited number of fans of my blog,

I will probably not be blogging as much as before. I have found a new mate. Gauging from my limited and lousy skills in handling digital games, I will most likely be spending many hours with her. Do not worry for me, I will try to stay alive as many times as possible and finish the game as fast as I can. Then I will be back to talk about my adventures in my beloved blog here.

Wish me luck!


Thursday, October 20, 2005

What is it?!

I feel that something is lacking in my life. I have no idea what is it but I know something is not right, not enough and definitely not satisfying.

And its frustrating the hell out of me.

Its like a shadow that you see at the corner of your eyes. One moment, its there and the next moment when you turned around to look directly at it, its gone, already darted to another mysterious position. And everytime you try to look at it directly, its gone. Out of your grasp again. Its so frustrating.

There is definitely something missing from my life. I have no idea what is it and how should I go about hunting for this missing entity. Its intangible and yet physical. Intangible cos I know it does not exist materially. Physical cos I know if I found it, it will definitely complete my existence. Trying to subsitute it with physical materials just frustrate me more. The more stuff I own, the more empty I bcome. Its like a black hole that which is unfillable and the more materials that you dump into this hole, the more gaping it will be.

I want to know what is this missing entity that is missing from my life. This missing piece of puzzle that mars my mundane existence. Not knowing what this missing puzzle is and how to find it just adds to my ever growing frustration.

Has any of you felt this before?

Ramblings while bored

Its funny how I can only write when I am in a sad or unhappy mood. Perhaps sad or unhappy are just an understatment. More like when I am feeling hurt or emotional pain. Speaking of which, has any of you ever felt emotional pain so intense that it actually hurts physically? Its weird. How on earth does something intangible became physical? Seriously its weird. And it hurts so much. Then again, when the pain is gone and whats left are the memories, everything does not seem so tough anymore.

Ok, lets not dwell on this again.

What I am trying to say is, I think I have ran out of ideas to blog. Its weird..! And scary!! I have always talked about what I am feeling when I am blogging. Anything that comes to my mind when I am blogging will be thrown into my blog. And its only when I am feeling intense emotions will I be able to let my ideas run smoothly.

And now that I am no longer feeling such intense emtions, I doubt I will be able to write stuff that you people here will find interesting.. Other than perhaps my daily happenings, that is, what I experienced during the day.

The truth is, I don really like to talk about what my experiences during my daily existence. Rather, I prefer to talk about my opinions, my emotions, my feelings, my views and stuff like that. Stuff that affects my thinking, my behaviours and stuff that are more intellectual (well, at least I hope) that just what I did during the day. I think thats the true purpose about blogging. Many bloggers mistook the whole idea of blogging to be just an avenue for them to tell others about what they did during the day, everyday. They probably mistook a blog for a journal, I guess.

Well, at least thats my opinion about blogging. Then again, blogging is a very general term, and the term is always changing in its definition. It does not even seem to have a well-defined meaning in the first place..!

So there you go, the daily ramblings of a serious bored girl who has too much time on her hand at this precise moment in time.


Tuesday, October 18, 2005


I saw this early in the morning and so rushed to capture the scene on the spot.

Its so tranquil and serene and peaceful..

Ozzie and the Blowfly

Ozzie is really an evil destroyer of anything she can lay her paws or rather jaws on. This time is Blowfly by Patricia Cornwell.

I had just finished this book over the last weekend and left it on the living room's table without giving it a second thought. I am always leaving stuff here and there, I should really get rid of this bad habit.

Anyway, we left Ozzie at home yesterday and so she managed to get her paws on my book. I think she must be really bored or just plain bo-liao cos she managed to turn into a canine book-blender and shredded my book into pieces.

Its a lucky thing I find this book boring and would not want to read it again. Otherwise I might just pull out all her fur...

I am serious..

Monday, October 17, 2005

A Ghost Story...

Warning: not for the faint hearted. If you are those chicken hearted ones, better don read..

You have been warned..

My office is rather large. From the end to the front, its like 2 or rather 3 HDB living rooms put together.

I was engrossed in work one night and it was about 8 plus at night. Before I knew it, everyone had gone home and I was left alone in the office again. As I might have mentioned to some of you before, the lights in my office are automated by sensors. Meaning that the lights will go off by themselves when there are no movements about the office, more specifically, no movement near the doors where the sensors are.

So it was when I was halfway through my work, the lights just went off. Now, the whole office would be pitch dark were it not for the lights flooding out from the printer room, which was right at the end of the whole office. The lights in the printer room are not sensor automated so they needed to be switched on or off manually.

With a fright, I jumped up from my seat and walked towards the main door so as to make some movements to get the sensors to turn on the lights. And this was where it got scary..

As I was nearing the door, my back facing the whole office, I heard 3 coughs behind me, just right near the table of my big boss' secretary. It sounded like there was a lady standing behind me coughing. Fuck..

And then I turned around. Now, I am at the front of the whole office, directly facing the printer room, which was right at the back, looking at the whole office in darkness, with only the lights in the printer room on, when it went off, with a loud click. FUCK!!!!!

I ran to the door and waved my hands frantically at the sensors. Finally the lights came on. There was no one in the whole damn office! The lights in the printer room were still off. What the hell....!!!

But I still got lots of work to finish up. So, no choice, still got to stay a little while more to at least finish up some.

Half an hour later, I cannot take it anymore. Just swept everything aside, grabbed my bag and shoot out from the office. Did not even dare to go pantry to wash my cup..

Fucking hell..

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Must be happy

Recently, I was involved in some emotional screw-ups. Over the week, lots of stuff were revolving in my head, I just couldn't seem to concentrate on anything else. I did not have the mood to do anything, not even talking with my parents or get involved in anything.

Then on Sat morning, I woke up early and was lazing around in bed. As usual, I started to think about my issues again, making myself feeling really miserable as a result.

And then it suddenly struck me. I don really have to dwell on my issues. Whats the point when the people making me miserable are not even dwelling on it? Here I am, feeling all screwed-up and messed-up and there they were, happily living their lives.. WTF..

And so now I am determined to live a happy life, like before when I was just a happy, simple and innocent girl. I am resolved to not think about what happened and be happy. I want to be happy, I MUST be happy! I had been moody and messed up for such a long time and now its time to move on. Just like taking a train. There will be a point when you have to get off the train, let the door of the train close and let the train move on. The station of regret, hurt and whatever crap is in the past and now its time to get off at the station of happiness and light. Thats life. There are many stations where one has to experience and staying in one particular station for too long will just make one stagnant.

Its now time for me to move to another station. I am not going to let anything or anyone hurt me anymore. Its time.

Numa Numa!

I am crazy about this song at the moment! Thanks to Mike for sending me this song.. Its been going round and round in my head and its making crazy!

And then DK sent me this.. I almost fell off my chair! Its hilarious! I just love the twitching of his eyebrows!

Marriage in Spore = financial burden

Me and the girls will just discussing about marriage in Spore while having dinner yesterday. By the way, sidetrack a bit here. There is this rather interesting Japanese restaurant, 别付, at China Square which serves ramen. Its nothing unusual about Japanese restaurants serving ramen except for this one, the patrons are able to choose which level of spicyness they want. All the way from none to the highest level of 9, I think. I had level 1, I am too chicken to try out 2 and above. Its fortunate that I did not cos level 1 already quite spicy for me!

Ok now back to the main topic.

Marriage in Spore, the material aspect of it. I am not even going to go into a lengthy discussion about the emotional burden and stresses of marriage!

We were just talking about how a common friend of us will be getting engaged at the end of this year. She was lamenting that most of the big hotels are already fully booked for wedding dinners for this year and she can only book a hotel for her wedding dinner next year. Besides the rates that she will be charged will be based on 2007 rates, whatever that means. Then Cons was saying that some of her colleagues in CB are planning to hold their weddings in Swissotel, which is a rather pricey one.

And the miser in me just start to calculate the price of holding wedding dinners in these big and pricey hotels. The normal rates these days would be about $800 to $900 per table. A normal wedding dinner would usually consist of about 25 tables max, although Con's colleagues usually plan for 40 tables max. Fucking hell! A normal wedding dinner would put the poor newlyweds off by about $30k to $40k! And that figure is not including those fancy stuff like gifts, the projector screens, wines, etc that are prepared for the guests..

This is just the price to pay for the wedding dinner. How about the price for the flat, the furniture, the gown, the cars?? All these need to be taken into consideration when 2 people are getting married in Spore. Phew..

And so I conclude, the best would be to just have a simple engagement party or something like that, invited a few close friends and relatives and thats it. No fancy wedding dinner, no fancy ceremony and stuff like that. Too troublesome and waste money. But then the girls were saying the older generation would not like it. A wedding without a dinner does not seem right.

I say, the hell with them! Hey, its your own wedding right? Its your money, its your marriage. Who the fuck are they to get involved in the decision? Its not as if they will be willing to chip in and help with part of the expense right? Let them sulk, let them scold and nag. Just need to stand firm on your decision and then they can take it or shove it up their old and saggy arses!

Anyway, the best would be to not have any wedding. Just have a simple engagement ceremony and then go for the honeymoon. Leave the old people behind with their naggings and by the time you are back from the honeymoon, they also cannot do anything already..!

I am evil...!

Saturday, October 15, 2005

I fly you kites!!

Girls, next time you people want to fly kites or do something outdoor, please just remind me can? I seriously have no idea that you guys are going kite flying today and was totally not dressed for it!

Went out in my heels and make-up and got the shock of my life when I realized that you all would be going kite- flying! Kaoz.. Knowing that I am blur as such, please do remind me if we are doing something that is different from the usual shopping and activities as such can?! Hehehe..!

Anway, I am glad that I went today. Its so fun! And fulfilling to see the kites soaring to such height. Didn't know that JP had such good skills in flying kites. Though it would be Cons who would be skilled in that considering that she is always flying us aeroplanes..! Heh heh..


I am so used to being called Iris that when Eelin called me 晶华 a couple of days earlier, it just seemed so weird. The name just brought back quite a lot of memories, most of them good and happy ones.

I like my birth name. Theres a reason why my parents named me that but for the life of me, I just can't recall it. Then again, not many people would know the true significance behind their name. Or is it just me?

I want to be 晶华 cos Iris is a sad girl.

Then again, it really irks when my name is not being pronounced properly..

Morbidly beautiful

For the past week, I had not been crawlling in cyberspace much. I just don have the mood nor the interests in doing anything. Sometimes its a little hard to believe that a simple sentence could just strike you so sharp and kill all your interests in anything else other than dwelling in whatever that was said. Its just so sick and twisted.

I did not have much interest in anything, not even the Internet. Worked long hours, until such that even a few other bosses asked why am I always the one to stay back until so late. Came home and stared brainlessly at some stupid programmes on the idiot box, read a crappy novel which seemed to take forever to finish, stuffed myself with junk food, scolded Ozzie for licking my toes and sleep. Thats basically the stuff that I was doing for the past few days.

Pathetically mundane.

But yet, I think I am enjoying it. I am essentially living in my own world. I do not have to answer to anyone, other than my boss but thats another story, and I don have to listen to anyone else. Its quite interesting and beautiful in a morbid sense. I felt like Emily, if anyone ever remembered that show.

Oh well, if thats gonna be the way I am going to live for the next 40 years or so, so be it.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Selfish by nature

Sometimes in the midst of being so concentrated in my personal emotion issue that I forgot about the physical pain that most people in the world is engaged in.

The Pakistan earthquake have already claimed as many as 40,000 lives (the last I counted) and made millions homeless. Perhaps its a little melodramatic to think about this but has anyone thought that maybe its Mother Earth showing the world how displeased she is? Or perhaps its her just displaying her symptoms that she is very ill, with all the torture that we humans are subjecting her to?

One way or another, most of the people who died are certainly facing more pain and losses than me and yet I am always concentrating on my own emotional problems. This is certainly so childish.

But on the other hand, I am just a normal selfish human being and selfish people only think about themselves. As much as I don want to be that way, I just can't help it. Its in my nature.

ok, enough of my endless ranting. Lets pray for the people in Pakistan. May they be well and not become statistic, forgotten by the world when more sensational news came along..

Sunday, October 09, 2005

There was a man..

There was once a man who was always very angry, perhaps about the way fate played with him. He liked to gamble and drink. The more he gambled, the more he will lose and the angrier he will become. Drinking and smoking then became his way of coping with his loses.

He had a wife, but he did not love her. Its a pre-arranged marriage perhaps and he used his wife to let go of his anger. He beat her up regularly and yet his wife continued to hold on to her marriage perhaps its cos she has no one to rely on or perhaps its cos there was no such thing as formal divorce during their times. As a result of that, she got 4 miscarriages and ended up in the hospital regularly. And still she continued to hold on to her marriage.

Then the man found a lady whom he liked and took her for his second wife. As a result, the beatings of his first wife became more frequent. Perhaps he just couldn't stand the sight of his defenseless first wife and wanted to show her his control and power over her or its just a case of just being mean. Initially, the first wife did not know that her husband had a second wife and continue to endure the beatings but when she found out, she began to fight back. Or perhaps its cos the man was also beating her children up and she had to protect them. In any case, both of them began to fight regularly. Their children became stuck in an endless conflict between their parents and grew up in a violent environment.

There was a girl. She grew up with stories of how her grandpa was always beating his children and her grandma up, how her grandpa was always gambling, drinking, smoking and whoring.

The man is now in his seventies and all his children dislike him. Its ironic that he has eleven children and 2 wives and yet, none of them wanted to have anything to do with him. Hes sick now, having just recovering from a stroke but none of his grand children even bother to visit him. The moment all his children, from both his wives, met in the hostpital, they started to argue about who should be taking care of him, pushing the responsibliites of taking care of their father to one another, and creating a nuisance of themselves.

The girl is sick and tired of all these and wonder constantly how on earth did she have a complicated family as such.

Thursday, October 06, 2005


Its always work, work and more work, to the extent that I actually like working. In fact, I would feel weird if I don work late. I am always the last one to leave the office and sometimes until the office lights switch off by themselves, freaking me out in the process.

At many times, I would be asking myself the purpose of what I am doing. In fact, I am always asking myself this question. Is there any other purpose to my life other than working and the living each day, day after day. I am still young, well, at least younger than most people. And being young have a lot advantages. Time and tide waits for no man. I want to live my life to the fullest, experiencing anything that I can experience. Hell, if given the opportunity, I might just go for something extreme like travelling to the end of the world, or something like that.

The reality is, I am living in such a fast-paced society. Its so fast that sometimes I also have my difficulties catching up. Breatheless is the best word to describe. And the fact that I grew up in this society makes it even harder for a stranger to believe that I would have my difficulties getting accustomed to the pace. I wake up at the start of each day, go to work and then suddenly its night time and its back home in front of my lappie, tapping furiously in my blog. Its the same everyday.

Why? Can anyone tell me the purpose in all this? Why do I have to spend more than half of my lifetime chasing? Chasing for something which only satisfy me materialistically? I want something deeper than that. I want more. I believe there is more. The only problem is what is the "more"? And not knowing makes it even harder to grasp the meaning of life. Like most people, I am so restricted without even realizing it. Restricted in the material sense.

Humans are so terribly bound by our wants and desires to possess. We desire for this and crave for that. Wants and more wants. Our whole society is propelled by our desires. Come to think of it, if humans have no desires to possess more, I think our whole civilization might just collapse. Cos our economies are being driven by our wants and desires, and thats what is sustaining our societies. In fact, I was just asking myself this question this morning when I was on my way to work. Am I able to just let go of what I desire and possess, everything that I ever want and have, my family, my friends, my physical possessions, my achievements, my status and just walk away from those whom I know, those whom I love and those that I have. Just leave everything behind and just disappeared from the face of the earth, living my life in solidarity?

If I can just do that, then it would really be freedom.

Freedom, such a simple word and yet most did not realize the true meaning of that word. Its not simply the ability to do what you want but more of the ability to not be restricted in every sense. To feel free is to not have any desires and not to want.

Am I making any sense here?

Wednesday, October 05, 2005


I really should learn from my mistakes. I am such a foolish empty-headed stupid idiot.

All of them are the same, its for the thrill only. They came, they took and then they went away. And all the time, I let them. Its just so mindless.

Sometimes, I really wonder why on earth did I even bother thinking about the stuff that I did. Its not as if its something wrong. On the contrary, there is nothing right nor wrong with it. Its just a feeling and at the moment, I felt used.

Sometimes, I would rather be so numbed that I don feel anything. Without feelings, then there will not be any distractions now, will there? Its so frustrating.

No one cares, so why should I.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Hot hot hot!

Originally uploaded by blurfroggie.

The whole afternoon hot sun is directly in front of my windows, facing my hall and my bedroom.

Just imagine a huge ball of fire right in front of your house..

Rambling thoughts (part 2)

Imagine that you are looking out of a window from a space station. In a sea of darkness, you see a bright blue ball with patches of swirling white. Then as you focus hard, you begin to see that this blue ball is actually divided into many parts and pieces on its surface, some large while some small. All of these patches have strange tiny moving creatures moving on them. Creatures with a head, 2 legs and 2 arms that come in different sizes. Focus hard again and then you begin to see a small tiny little patch that has many high buildings. Living on this tiny little patch is a young lady in a high rise building, writing her blog while listening to a love ballad about unreciprocated love on her lappie. Thats me.

I was talking with Mr Corny this morning about how actually both of us are rather similar in some aspects. We are always working, facing our PCs for an average of 12 hours a day. Although both of us like our jobs, I was telling him that something seems to be constantly missing from our lives. He said something along the line of love while I corrected him and said it should be reciprocated love. Having unreciprocated love is even worse than having no love. The pain of giving something that is not returned hurts so much more. I am getting melancholic here. Damn.

I am bored. Bored to tears. On a hot afternoon. Woke up early in the morning and my wireless network decided to go on a mutiny, refusing to let me enter the comfort of the cyberworld. Fuck. So I was meddling on my network for most part of the morning and then decided to give up and went to sleep. I think I slept so much that I am having a splitting headache at the moment. And its a real humid and hot day. Double fuck.

Decided to order a pizza. For a single person meal. All my folks are out of the house, as usual. My parents were out dating, my sister have gone to some stupid bird's forum meeting with her 2 noisy birds while my bro was out, probably with his girlfriend. Its only me and Ozzie at home. Stuck grudgingly together with each other as companion.

Anyway, I was telling the Pizza Hut Customer Service Agent (note its "agent" here, don't play play ok!) that I want a meal for single person and was told that they only have meal for 2. So I placed my order for a pizza and some baked drumblets and drinks. Totally threw all thoughts of putting on a few pounds out of the window. I was in the mood to abuse my body. Who cares, when no one cares. And then guess what, I was told that I couldn't pay by debit card. Its either by cash or credit cards. Idiot! So in the end, I had to cancel the order. Damn it. I think I will be going to bed without dinner again.

I have now spent like 4 hours on my iB sitting in the dining room, typing and more typing since the day started today. Its getting very boring. I hate boring Sunday afternoons. Especially when its hot and humid and I am stuck at home alone with no place to go...

Someone save me from my boredom!!!!! Arghh....

When you don't Stand for anything, you will fall for everything

Walk in a corner shop
See a shoplifting cop
See the old lady with a gun
See the hero try to run
Nothing's what it seems, I mean
It's not all dirty, but it's not all clean
There's children paying bills
There's monks buying thrills
There's pride for sale in magazines
There's pills for rent to make you clean
Marvin Gaye, there's no brother, brother
Woody Guthrie's land can't feed Mother

Mothers weep, children sleep
So much violence ends in silence
It's a shame there's no one to blame
For all the pain that life brings
If you will just take me It might just complete me
And together we can make a stand

A waitress brings me lunch
We meet but do not touch
On TV, D.C. is selling lies
While in the corner, King's dream dies
Go to the counter, pay for me and my friend
A homeless man pulls out a roll, says it's on him
The mayor has no cash
He said he spent it on hookers and hash

Mothers weep, children sleep
So much violence ends in silence
It's a shame there's no one to blame
For all the pain that life brings
If you will just take me It might just complete me
And together we can make a stand

Do you dare to take a stand?

D & K's Birthday

Originally uploaded by blurfroggie.

Happy advance Hatchday guys!

Hope you guys have a fun time yesterday. I know I did!