Sunday, July 31, 2005

National Day Parade 2005

Originally uploaded by blurfroggie.

9th of August is the birthday of my beloved Singapore. Its the day when we gained our indepedence. There will be a massive dance, song and parade event to celebrate this faithful event.

My company is one of the major sponsors for NDP 2005 and I got 2 tickets to the preview. Basically the preview is actually a full dressed rehersal for the actual event itself. Since I have got no one to watch it with and I don really like crowds, I gave the tickets to my sis and her boyfriend.

They certainly looked like they had a great time there. But the goodies bags for this year suck. Mainly of the fact that there is not much food! :D

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Men are jerks

Men are out for only one thing and one thing only. Sex. Thats all it matters.

C met a guy. He wanted sex from her all the time. One day, she gave it to him and guess what? He told her that he missed his ex-girlfriend and said that they need to have a cooling period for him to get over his ex. Then she found him sending messages to his ex saying that he missed her and shit like that. All these after he fucked her. Asshole.

D met a guy. He wanted sex from her all the time. One day she gave it to him and guess what? He told her that he felt that him and her are not suitable for each other. And he met her mother once and told her to tell her daughter that its the best that him and her daughter go separate ways. He even told her to tell her daughter not to take it too hard. And then D found him with a group of girls hanging at a pub one day. Another asshole. A big one too.

Men are assholes. Period.

The best treatment for men, all men, would be to fuck them, get satisfied and then kick their cock so hard that they cannot get them hard. And then laugh at their pathetic selfs.

Fuck them, kick them and then laugh at them. Thats the best way to treat men. Other than castrating them and feeding their willies to the pigs.

I will never trust these fucking bastards. Never ever again.


What would you wish for if you are given a wish? A simple wish that you can have anything you want?

I have been asking myself this question a lot for the past few weeks and the answer just struck me this evening. I want to be free of emotions and feelings. Not the physical feeling of pain though, cos physical pain is a form of defense mechanism and is critical to survival but thats another story.

All of us went through lots of emotions everyday. I felt happiness, anger and especially sadness every single day and I am really tired of all these. Man are so easily swayed by emotions that we sometimes get into trouble cos of our emotions.

My boss pissed me so much today and then someone told me that he received his birthday present from his ex-girlfriend which reminded of my own hurt. At least his ex-girlfriend remembered him and sent her wishes on his birthday whereas the guy I was with, although was not my boyfriend, hated me so much that he don even want to have anything to do with me. Its not so much about the fact that he was not my boyfriend or anything like that but more of the fact that the guy you have feelings for actually hate you so much that he don even feel like talking to you ever again. No one should ever have to go through this type of emotional roller coaster ride of frustration and pain at the same time. Its so suffocating.

Then again, if one has no emotions, then happiness will never be within one's reach too. Because all emotions are inter-related. To be able to feel happy, you need to have a kind of emtional benchmark to measure happiness. And the benchmark for measuring or quantifying happiness would of course be sadness. So without sadness or pain, there would not happiness. Logically, all man want to strive for happiness, including me. But at the end of the day, having to bear with sadness is too painful for me to want to enjoy happiness. I would rather not feel any emotional pain than to enjoy happiness. I believe happiness is something that I can forfeit so that I will not feel emotional pain. The former is not enough to justify the latter is what I am saying.

So I have come to the single conclusion that I would wish for me to not be able to feel emotions if I were given a wish than be able to enjoy happiness and suffer emotional pain. At least I will be able to use more of my brain to make decisions instead of suffering conflicts in between my brain and my heart. Like I said, a decision is a good one if the brain and the heart are unanimous. Taking away one side of the conflict would result in better and mostly likely productive decisions.

Results will then justify the consequences and thats all it matters. Doesn't it?

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Mindbender and full bladder

Ok, I gotta admit, I am a chicken. I am so bloody useless when I watched suspense horror thrillers alone..

Mindhunter is about a group of potential profilers who were taking some kind of practical exams to show that they could be the real thing. They had to go through a series of re-enactments modified after real crimes before they were proven qualified to be FBI Profilers. The last test that they had to go through was to be flown off the a deserted island, which looked like a piece of T-Bone steak by the way, and stayed there after they had profile their next serial killer, known as the Puppeteer. The island was used as a training ground for Navy Seals and there were dummies all over the place, probably as shooting targets. Everthing was supposed to be fake, the crimes, the victims and the killer. That was until each of them start to die horribly and they realised that the re-enactments were no re-enactments. They were being played around by the Puppeteer.

And that was also when I realized what a chicken I was. There I was sitting alone in the theatre by myself, right in the middle and I freaked myself out. I nearly peed in my shorts! Actually it was because I had a drink before the show and I was in a really high-tide bladder state.

I had to shut my eyes on lots of parts. Well, actually you can't really blame me for that when you have people dying in really creative and sadistic ways. The first victim got sprayed with liquid nitrogen and his body just froze before breaking into many pieces, the second's head was severed and the blood drained, the third got arrows pierced into this throat, the fourth smoked an acidic cigarette and her insides got burnt right out. The captain of the group, in my opinion died in the most horrific way. He was supposed to leave the island but was tortured and then hung up with spikes on the ceiling like a puppet.

Creative ways to die and very twisted.

Thats why I can't bring myself to watch. Too horrific for the chicken in me. Phew..

And it was almost 12am when I left the theatre. I had to pee really urgently when I realized that all the toilets were locked. Luckily the one in the Macdonald's was opened otherwise I would have peed in my shorts, not from the fright but from the effect of watching a suspense thriller with a full bladder. No one should ever be made to do that. Its torturous....

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

What the hell is wrong with Singaporean girls?!

Ok I am in a really bitchy mood now. I am fuckingly frustrated for some reason and I want to rant.

What the hell is wrong with Singaporean girls? All of these girls looked like they are from the same bloody fucking factory churning out girls who looked like some kind of fucking ghosts out of some thrashy comics. They are thin, pale like they have white paint being thrown over them, long rebonded hair and are always on the lookout for ways to starve themselves. And the worst thing is Singaporean men actually like to fuck them! Gosh!

Me and Eelin were discussing about Singaporean girls that day while we were having the long chat. She told me that she felt weird walking on the streets cos everywhere she went, she will see pale sickly girls with long rebonded hair, really thin, some tall, some short but all of them have the same kind of look! And the worse thing is skin care companies are still getting people to become whiter with all the bloody commercials on skin whitening products! What the hell is wrong with these sickos?! Not white enough? Want to become transparent is it?! Go paint yourself white, instantaneous whitening and it really works! Only need to wait for like half an hour for it to dry and then voila! You are white!

And Singaporean girls are always trying to get thin, thin. thin! When I was in the Uni, lots of girls are always starving themselves to be thin. There were some girls who are healthy looking in one semester and then the next, she became some new species of stick insect. In a period of a few months. What the fuck! Its scary! I mean, I don have regular meals but I do eat cos no matter how I force myself not to eat, I will always end up eating cos I am a sucker for eating. I love to eat. Unless I am too busy that I forgot the time for my meals or I am too depressed to eat. Otherwise if I am very hungry and I have food in front of me, I will eat. Eelin was telling me that she can never understand how these girls will choose look over food, life is too short to waste your time on your looks. And we are going for our regular binging soon! YES! Food glorious food!

Next, the hair. The trend of having long and straight hair may be over but you still see girls with long straight hair on the streets. Ok, I admit, I did rebond my hair twice but I did not purposely let my hair grew to such a length before I cut it. I was just too lazy to look for my hairdresser before he went MIA on me to get a haircut. I mean, long rebonded hair is fine and some actuallly looked good with rebonded hair but when the natural hair grow out, please for goodness sake, just trim it or rebond it a second time! Otherwise you will look like you have a thick crown on the top of your head with long sickly thin straight hair sticking out from your crown. Weird is the best word to describe the look. Not everyone is suitable to rebond their hair. If you have thick coarse or curly hair, please for fuck sake do not ever rebond your hair. It only make them look hard and thick and ugly. You hair will be protesting all the way here from Singapore to maybe Africa!

Fuck fuck fuck. I am in a fucking bitchy and bad mood today. I am so frustrated!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, July 25, 2005

A much needed talk

Eelin rang me up for a chat last night. I missed her terribly, especially when I am having so much personal conflicts at the moment. She and me have always been very close. Not close as sisters but then again sisters may not be close too. I have a younger sister but me and her are worlds apart.

Eelin is back from Aussie after spending 3 years studying English there. I have not know of anyone who can be as deep as her. She had her own set of emotional issues when she was there and I think she felt a lot more worse than me cos she was all alone there, with no one to talk to. In any case I am just glad, very glad that she survived her near emotional breakdown.

Anyway, we did a lot of catching up. Talk with her until the wee hours. We actually forgot about the hours when we were talking. We talked about issues, lots of issues, ranging from her church activities, her close marriage proposal (which was a real funny but I kind of find it sweet cos the guy was only 21 of age), the thirteen levels of hell with the gross and disgusting habits of man who have no sense of hygiene, her cats, her brother, her thoughts on sexual harassement, and most of all, my issues with relationships. We talked and talked and talked.

I felt so good after talking to her. It felt so good to connect with another human, one who can really understand what you are feeling and why you do the things that you do. She listens and thats all it matters.

Thank you my friend.

Sunday, July 24, 2005


It was reaching 1am yesterday night when I reached home. I was nearing the void deck of my flat when I heard someone calling me. I turned around and there was this guy wearing a pink shirt and long dark pants, with a bagpack on his shoulder. He looked lost and was perspiring badly.

"Scuse me miss, can you help me? I am lost. I am looking for block 290 but there does not seem to be one around here. Do you know where can I find it?" he asked.

"290 is far away from here. I am not really sure but I can confirm that there is no block 290 in this neighbourhood. All the blocks here are either 289 or 288 with different alphabets."

"Oh shit. I am meeting a friend at 290 to get back my handphone which I left it at his place. Do you mind lending me yours so that I can sms him."

"Sure, no problem."

I lended him my cell and then after he sms his friend, we parted ways. He said his thanks before leaving.

Then at around 2am last night, I receive an sms from him thanking me for my help. That was not all. He also asked me if I can help him with a school project of his, its a survey and he seemed to really need people in doing it for him.

I thought ok, its only a survey and no big deal. Besides he looked like he was in his teens so I guess should not be a problem. Anyway, I am bored and have nothing to do.

Then I replied his sms and asked for what his survey was about. And hes reply totally threw me off-track!

He turned out to be 21 years old, and I seriously have my doubts on the existence of his so-called survey! In his sms, he introduced himself offically, he had no girlfriend, is an open-minded guy and really wants to be my long term friend whom he can call and talk. He also wanted to call me immediately and meet me to do the survey. Its a one to one survey and I only need to give him my opinions to whatever questions that he will be asking me!

I have no idea what did I do last night that made him come onto me! All that I ever did was to lend him my phone and point him to the corect direction! Jeeze! On the one hand, I do not want to hurt his feelings and yet on the other hand, I have no wish to reply or contact him any longer cos the whole thing stinks and I am rather afraid of him. He seem like those who has little or no friends and if I were to hurt his feelings, he might just come over to my flat and stalk me!

Damn! Sometimes its really not a good idea to be a good Samaritan!

Ozzie (part 2)

Lately, Ozzie seemed to have consumed some kind of pyscho drug. She is bouncing everywhere all over the house! And its irritating the hell out of my parents and me..

Ozzie is about a year old and as with all Miniature Schnauzer, she has an endless supply of energy. She like to run all over the house, from the kitchen to our bedrooms, and then back to the living room. But one thing is for sure, she will never step into the kitchen voluntarily. Thats cos she is very afraid that we are going to keep her in the kitchen if she does. Whenever shes naughty, we will shut her into the kitchen and any amount of whining from her is not going to get her any freedom. Thats why whenever shes out, she will bounce all over the house but never the dreaded kitchen.

Then there is this endless barking of hers. Schnauzhers are supposed to be guard dogs as thats probably why she is very territorial. Whenever she sensed someone walking past our apartment, she will turn crazy and bark at whoever or whatever was outside. And she will not stop even if we whacked her or flicked her nose. (Dogs have sensitive noses so flicking them will cause them to hurt a lot.) She only stopped when the person goes away or we invite him/her into out house. There was this time when there was this poor salesman whom Ozzie barked at so incessantly that he actually move away from the door while talking with me even though there was this grille preventing that crazy dog from going out. Poor guy!

And the most hateful thing that she seem to like to do to me perhaps out of boredom to irritate the hell out of me is she like to lick between my toes for some twisted reason! I absolutely hate it! Its wet, sticky and ticklish! And not to mention my feet are dirty and she might get some stomach upset..

She also have this mentality that me and my sister's undergarment are some chewing toys. Probably shes a female and as you know females tend to be a little obssessed about undergarments, shes also a little crazy about our undergarments. Funny thing is she does not give a second glance at my mom's undergarments though. This make me wonder if shes a female or a male in disguised! As for our undergarments, instead of wearing them, she like to CHEW on them instead, bras especially. I go berserk whenever she does it. Can you imagine the amount of money that I spent on my bras and they got whrecked by this bloody dog!? There was once she peed in the kitchen and then pull all our panties from the hangers and then proceed to wipe her pee with them! Bloody hell! Luckily I wasn't at home or I would have kicked her from the kitchen all the way to God forsaken place at the end of the world.

Then again, shes a really sweet and cute doggie despite all these irritating shortcomings. She will never get angry with you no matter how much you shout or scold or whack her cos shes being irritating and naughty. Although sometimes she knows that her actions are not acceptable and still purposely do it just out of boredom and irritate us in the process, most of the time, shes just a gentle pup out for some love and attention from her family. And she can be really affectionate too, if you don mind her stinky breathe that is.

All things living will do anything for their survival

From The Island.

A simple sentence yet so potent, it emphasizes how valuable life is and what any living organism, big or small, will do to ensure their own life.

We see this everywhere but most of us are just too pre-occupied with our daily activities to notice. A bunch of grass growing out of a tiny crack in the wall or on the street, ants scurrying away from the gigantic footsteps to avoid getting squashed, strays scavaging in the rubbish chutes for food to satisfy their hunger and perhaps the most apparent of all, humans stabbing each other to ensure their survival in their environment. Their survival in the organisations that they are working in or the environment they are living in. The politics that they are willing to resort to so as to get accepted by their peers. Though this is not a fight for lilfe, its by no means a fight for survival or should I say, a fight for acceptance so as to guarantee their survival in the environment that they are living and operating in.

In the end, everything is about survival. The things that we do everyday, no matter how big or small are all about our survival. Why do you think we have to force ourself to get up so early everyday to earn a living and face the daily dreads of getting involved in the shits that we face at work? Its to ensure our own survival, a more elaborate form of obtaining the means of sustaining these bodies of ours, to ensure that we would live.

In the process of ensuring our own survival, we are willing to jeopardise the survival of others. Thats how selfish each and every organisms are. No matter how big or small. Thats the wonder of nature selection at its best and yet at the same time the ugliness of it.

The strong survive, the weak die. Thats the rule of the game and thats how it will ever be.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Friends or lovers?

Does anyone believe in a physical relationship that have no strings attached? One which only involves sex and not committments? Or maybe I should say a platonic relationship but comes with sex? When the 2 persons involved do not let emotions and committments get involved in the relationship? There is no expectations and no commitment. No emotions and feelings for each other. As long as they are together, they remain partners in bed and nothing else? Is that possible?

The problem with such a relationship is that it tend to get messy and the persons involved might get confused and frustrated. Its like the relationship is stuck in the realm of in-betweens where both parties do not take each other for granted and yet still get intimate.

After a while confusion will set in. And then emotions will get involved. And then frustration will pay a visit to the 2 persons involved and then all hell will break loose.

For women, its so difficult to separate sex with emotions. For men however, I was told that they are able to separate sex from emotions and yet I was told by this very same person that you need feelings to be able to get intimate with someone. So which is true?

When the relationship, whatever relationship its known as in the first place, turns sour, will the two persons involved be able to stay as platonic friends?

There are so many questions and yet no answers.

Emotions in writing

I just discovered something new about me today and it kind of threw me off track.

I need to be in a very depressed mood or in a very frustrated mood for me to be able to write smoothly and my writing juice to flow.

For the past couple of weeks, my emotions took a very sharp nosedive and I was feeling like shit all the time. As a result of that I was writing in my blog everyday. In fact some of the entries, I was actually writing with tears flowing. I was feeling terrible and suffocated. There was a point when I was so numb that I have no idea what to do. The typical routine that I had was wake up, work, lunch, return home, blog, sleep. Then the whole routine would just repeat itself again and again and again. I had no one to talk to with everyone around me busy with their own life and I had no wish to disrupt their routine just for me. I am too proud to do that. The only avenue that I can have would be to write, keep writing and throwing all my suffocation in this blog. Sometimes I would just be letting my thoughts flow and just write. Other times, I would just be sitting in front of my iBook, staring at the screen blankly, trying to start to write but have no idea on where to start. In moments like this, I get even more frustrated. Its like you know you have a lot of things to say but have no idea how to put it across and how to get it out of your system. Or to put it bluntly, its like you are going to have an orgasm but something came along and disrupt you.

Then there were times when I was just letting my thoughts flowing and then for no reason I just got stuck and ran out of things to write. Just blank out for no reason. And then I would delete the whole post and start again.

Like now. Damn it.

Friday, July 22, 2005


Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to announce that I have lost weight again. I ballooned to 60kg since last year and I have lost 4kg of it and then put back 2kg before losing it again this time. So now my official weight is at 56kg. Not bad considering that I did not really do anything to force my weight down.

The thing is, I have always been very ashamed of my figure, my weight and especially my skin and legs. Actually come to think of it, I am always very ashamed of my whole body. In fact I have this idea that the human body is just a piece of useless organism, it requires so much taking care of, and yet its constantly aging, constantly losing its vitality and shine. One can perhaps slow down the aging effect by taking cocktails of health supplements and preserving the looks with beauty products but no one, and I emphasize again, no one, will be able to completely stop the aging process and preserve the body forever. In the end, all the taking care and efforts in preserving will come to naught when the body die. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

So why bother?

Thats why I have no care for my body and neither do I really take good care of it. And the fact that my weight is always hovering on the high side and I am only 1.6m long while both of my siblings have model-liked figures made me even more ashamed of my body. Its true, my sis is 1.76m long and 48kg thick while my bro is slightly taller with a six-pack stomach and bulging biceps. I have always been the brainer while they are the lookers. Even my family, including my relatives, are always comparing our looks and figures, I have always been the fishball of the family.

However, lately for no reason, I have been looking at my body with new looks. Perhaps its has to do with the companion that I was with. I was constantly berated by him for not taking good care of my body. Or perhaps I have matured and have became less demanding of my body and my looks. Or maybe its just because I lost weight and felt more comfortable with the lesser mass. Whatever the case I am becoming less critical of my looks.

For the past few weeks, ever since my bro went to serve the nation patriotically (apparently), I had unofficially taken over the room that me and my sis shared because she, on the other hand, had unofficially taken over my bro's room. So now I am always alone in my room with my meandering thoughts, like right now. But I digressed.

Being alone in my room allow me to have more freedom. I am now able to change in my room. There was once when I was changing in my room and found myself staring at a naked me in front of the full length mirror in my room. I began to closely examine my skin and my body in critical detail for a long time. As with all people, the first things that I saw were all the flaws. I began to only notice the scars on my skin, lots of them in fact, my bulging tummy, my gross milkbags that are too large for my taste, my buffalo thighs, my twisted feet, my short legs etc. The more I stare at my image, the more I get really miserable. I began to see the Hunchback of Notre Dame looking back at me and my already diminishing self-confidence took a really sharp nosedive at that point.

Then suddenly I realized that there was actually no one in the room except me, so why the hell was I being so critical of myself? Why do I have to feel so miserable of my body when there was actually no one in the room to pass judgements or opinions of my body? And besides, I did look a little different now that I was no longer as heavy as before.

So I began to force myself to look at my image in a new light. With that thought in mind, my bulging tummy seem to have flattened a little, my breasts are firm and still perky, my lower back is still curvy, my thighs seem to have gotten lighter etc. I actually felt sexier after refusing to criticise my looks. I began to touch my tummy, my collarbones, which incidentally is the best feature of my body in my opinion, my breasts and my back. I felt lighter and look more confident after a while. Thats really new to me. I have not been able to feel that way since I turned 16.

Now, every morning before going to work, I will spend some time examining my body in front of the mirror, naked, before changing for work. In fact, its something I look forward to doing in the morning. Slowly, the girl who looked back at me is starting to look less and less like the Hunchback. I still see the flaws in my body of course, but I am starting to learn to concentrate less on them. Who in this world have flawless body anyway? I do not for a second believe that the people you see on movies do not have flawed bodies. They are just more able in hiding their flaws than the average Joe or Jane. In fact, I prefer a natural body which look more real than a flawless one. Of course I must admit that I will never accept an obese body or a stick-insect figure for that matter.

What I am trying to say is I just want a healthy and natural looking body that is pleasant looking, even though its full of flaws. And the first step that I have to do would be to learn to start accepting my flaws and be satisfied with what I have, although this is easier said that done with all the seemingly perfect bodies in magazines that are always reminding me of my flawed body. But still, I can try, can't I?

Perhaps this is what everyone should do. The world is filled with too much girls and boys who are ashamed of their looks and bodies. Their shames are probably self-imposed. If only we can accept ourself for what we are, because only then can we be totally comfortable with who we are.


Thursday, July 21, 2005

I hate myself

I am feeling really nauseous at the moment. Its like I am being isolated within my room, the four walls being my companion and this iBook is my only window to the outside world.

Its so ironic that the Internet is supposed to be the pathway to the world and yet, everytime when I log on to it, I felt even more lonely and isolated. Ultimately every personas online are just that, personas, individuals who are perhaps too afraid or too tired to venture out to the reality outside of this cold and lonely cyberworld. I for one am too tired to venture out to the real world. Just fucking sick and tired of this shitty world who seem to have forgotten me anyway.

A decision is a good one when the heart and the mind are unanimous. I made a decision with my mind and now my heart is crying everyday. Everyday, I feel like turning back into a coward and crawl back appologising for my insolence. Past images just keep flashing over and over through my mind and I felt like shit more than ever. But in the end, there really is no point in doing that. Whats done has been done.

So why do I still feel like shit everytime I came home to my room and log onto this cyberworld trying to find an outlet for my frustration and loneliness?

I hate myself more than ever for being so weak.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Enjoyment onscreen?

I have been crawling around in cyberspace, feeling really empty and not knowing what to do, other than perhaps scolding Ozzie for tearing her pillow up into pieces. Guess shes as bored as me. In fact, I have been having some kind of writer's blog. I think I have ran out of ideas to write for the moment. In order to pass time, I even had to resort to surfing pornography, which in the end, caused me to end up feeling even more empty.

Porn; such a simple word but yet brought so much revenue and earnings worldwide. The single mention of the word is enough to bring about funny stares from the people around you. I believe most of my friends would not even believe that I actually surf porn. I do, perhaps out of boredom but more likely out of curiousity. But hey, I am a normal healthy girl with curiosity too! And besides whats wrong with surfing porn, other than the fact that one might get addicted.

Admit it. I believe at least 80% of the people in this world do have thoughts at one point or another about the complicated involvements when filming humans getting gratifications from mating in millions of creative manners and positions. At the very least, out of curiousity if not out of sexual urgings.

The question that I can never answer myself satisfactorily about this lucrative industry is "how on earth can the actors involved be able to commit those acts in front of the cameras without feeling any emotions?" Don't they feel cheapen by the mere sight of people staring at them? Don't they feel like a piece of meat doing what they do while they are being filmed? Don't they feel empty after that?

The whole idea of having sex with a stranger is enough to send my head whirling as to how these actors can tolerate the feeling of someone whom they have never met touching them all over. And the fact that they do it in front of cameras is enough to push my mind to the limits. Are they really enjoying themselves as shown in the pictures and the videos? How can they even bring themselves to committing such acts onscreen? For the life of me, I just can't seem to understand how can anyone get satisfaction sexually onscreen. Perhaps I am just a naive girl but I just can never understand it though this is still a valid question, ain't it?

As to whether I feel anything while surfing through sites and pictures of women engaging in acts that they are supposedly enjoying, it would be abnormal for me to say that I don't. I am a normal healthy girl too. But in the end, I have come to the conclusion that porn is just a way for boring people like me who have nothing better to do than see people mate and supposedly enjoy it. I will never for a second believe that they are truly enjoying what they are doing. In fact I refused to believe that. Its such a blasphemy to bring the act of making love to that animalistic level. No way.

And I felt empty after scrolling through the sites. I felt more lonely after that. I should have just join Ozzie in her lunatic destruction of her pillows. At least I enjoy some company even though its with a crazy dog. Cute nonetheless but still crazy.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005


I am crazy about this song at the moment. Try listening and singing in Cantonese, the feelings and emotions are more poignant.


鐘聲響起歸家的訊號 在他生命裡
彷彿帶點唏噓 黑色肌膚給他的意義
是一生奉獻 膚色鬥爭中


今天只有殘留的驅殼 迎接光輝歲月
風雨中抱緊自由 一生經過徬徨的掙扎
自信可改變未來 問誰有能做到

可否不分膚色的界限 願這土地裡
不分你我高低 繽紛色彩閃出的美麗
是因它沒有 分開每種色彩

"Ah Gong"

I was scolded by a supplier today, and its all my boss' fault. Serious.

I have a very childish boss who, probably due to his height, like to use this authority as a manager to show others his power to hold payments. This particular supplier's payment had already been delayed for 3 months already and understandably, they were really pissed. The lady in charge of getting payment kept calling me every single day to chase for payment even though I told her that my boss purposely held back payment. The problem is I can't possibly tell her that my childish boss did that just so to artificially push up his revenue and perhaps just out of spite. Men can be such asses when they are in a childish mood.

Then today, the lady boss of this supplier called me up. She blasted me even before I had a chance to talk. Her first sentence was "Why do you people have to hold our payment for so long? Was it cos we did not provide satisfactory service or anything?"

"You payment is already being processed and you will be able to receive your cheque for the 2 outstanding invoicces tomorrow." I replied.

She however was not satisfied, probably cos she had already made up her mind to give me a hard time and this reply, although was what she wanted to hear, did not give her a chance to show her might in blasting people off. Or perhaps her staff told her that I was a nice and patient person and was always willing to help them chase for their payment so she thought I was a pushover and would take her scoldings nicely.

"You are under SembCorb right? How come SembCorb is always so prompt in their payment and you people have to drag yours?"

At this point, I was pissed. Probably cos of a certain reply on SPUG on my pathetic personal situation and probably cos I had been handling calls since the whole morning and buried deep under by my work.

"SembCorb is SembCorb. We are not SembCorb."

"So? You people are still filthy rich so why drag our payment?"!

"What do you mean by filthy rich? How do you know we are filthy rich. Please do not use the word filthy.'

"You people not filthy rich meh? You are all under Temasek Holdings, filthy rich wat? All backed by Ah Gong wan. Of course can drag our payments right!"

At that, I did not know whether to laugh at her lack of intelligence in making that "Ah Gong" remark, which I presume is referring to Uncle Sam or just hung up my phone! So I basically blasted her off.

"What Ah Gong?! You are seriously going out of point here! We are talking about your payments, so please do not talk about SembCorb or Ah gong here. SembCorb is SembCorb, we are we. Stay on track. Look, I understand your frustration in not getting payments and I've just told you your cheque will be reaching you tomorrow. I had already did my best in chasing your payment for you, if my boss did not approve, what the hell do you expect me to do?! In fact, I believed there was a chat between your boss and my boss, and they agreed on the end of June as the payment date. And there are procedures to follow in our place here, we only process cheques on the 20th of every month and your payment had already been expedited so you will be getting yours tomorrow. You take it out on me, I also cannot do anything. If you want, just give my boss a call and ask him!"

At this point, she was probably a little shocked. Perhaps she thought that my English was lousy and did not know how to talk back at her in English since I was always conversing with her staff in Mandarin. As you can see from the way she spoke, you probably had a good idea of her standard and her mentality. She sounded like those old maids who like to think that their English is impressive and bully people with it.

"I am not angry with you lah, just want to know what caused your boss to hold our payment lor.. So we can improve on it lor.. So we can get our cheque tomorrow lah, ok good.."

"Go ask my boss why he held back your payment, I told you I had no idea why already, bye."

Ok, I admit, I did not handle the situation well, but I was really pissed. I became her outlet of frustration cos of my boss' childishness!? I have had enough of becoming others' outlets of frustrations lately. And the fact that a certain reply on SPUG about my pathetic personal situation certainly pushed my temper up a notch. And besides, I had been rather moody and depressed so thats why this little incident triggered such outburst from me.

Actually I was glad that I burst out on here cos it felt rather great to let my frustrations out and scold this bitchy women who think that she can bully someone whom she THINK was a pushover just cos she was courteous and patient on the phone.

Fuck off lah.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Making love

After reading about a lot of blogs by married couples, I have come to a single conclusion that making love to satisfy the one that you love is really a blessing. I think this conclusion that I have is mainly from reading Lucretia's Tales. I envy Lucretia. Her lover knows her body and is so intimate with her that they enjoy each other so much. Every time they made love, they are in estascy. How wonderful it must be to be able to find a man who is willing to take the time and effort to know your body and willing to satisfy you! How many man is able to do that? How many of you male species out there have taken the time to really understand your partner's body and know what she actually need and want? How many of you males out there have ask yourself if you have really satisfy your partner, keeping in mind that women have this natural ability to fake satisfactions?

A woman's body is complicated, much more complicated than a man. Simply because women are emotional creatures. We are motivated by emotions and feelings. A woman's sexual needs are all the more so difficult to understand as well simply because its entwined with emotions and feelings too. I am not saying that man's sexual needs are not motivated by emotions but women's needs are just more difficult to understand and satisfied as well. Sometimes, what a woman really want is to just cuddle and just be close with the man that shes love, skin on skin. Thats all. Something so simple but yet not easily understood by men.

Maybe I should ammend my opening sentence. Being able to make love to satisfy the one you love is really a blessing which not all will be able to enjoy.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Fantastic 4

Went to watch Fantastic 4 alone today, gotta use up my last remaining GV movie voucher anyway and since I had been waiting for this show for a long time, what better way than to use the voucher.

Felt very lousy watching this show alone. You see families happily filling up the seats, couples getting lovey-dovey with each other, nudging and kissing before and after the show and you see an idiotic girl staring at the screen of comercial ads! Pathetic is just a very mild word to describe!

The show was quite a let down, other than the redeeming acting qualities of the players inside. Jessica Alba is so delicious! Gawd, her figure is enough to create an instant erection in any hot-blooded male! Julian McMahon also look very tasty too, although his ego can became a little turn off. But still look yummy nontheless! Yum!

Initially, the show is a little slow. Was expecting a lot of actions, with the 4 players and Doc Doom engaging in fights of superhuman powers. But the show was too engrossed in developing the emotional side of all 5 members that it became a drag. And its quite a disappointment that Doc Doom got defeated so easily..

And the multi-million dollar question is "Since Mr Fantastic has the ability to stretch his body, will he really be able to stretch his male member too?"


Saturday, July 16, 2005


There are so many things that I wanted to say here but which I can't really. There are so many things that I want to tell everyone here but I can't and there are so many things that I want people to really listen to me and let me pour out my heartfelt sorrows and desires but I can't. Simply because I just can't seem to make myself heard. There are just too many noise that will drown and distort my shouts.

Have you ever felt such intense pain that it actually hurt you physically? The pain just struck you out of nowhere and took you by such surprise that you had no way of dodging it and end up getting hit right into your heart. That pain is so real and so incredibly strong that you just have no idea what to do. There really is nothing much you can do actually other than enduring it and waiting for it to go away. Whats left after that would be a deep scar. Time will heal the pain but the scar will remain forever.

I just realized that I have been getting very depressed lately. I have no idea why. Its just that I felt very isolated. I felt like there is nothing to look forward each day, no goals and no motivation to live another day. I have this out-of-body experience whereby I am looking inside a small glass ball. Inside the glass ball, there is this girl called Iris and she is stuck inside this glass ball for eternity, unable to escape, unable to breathe and unable to get out of her glass ball. I felt so suffocated, like I am drowning in a sea of dark and swirling water, with the unknown beneath, waiting for the right moment to pull me into the waters and drown me.


Friday, July 15, 2005


I stood in front of a speeding truck today.

Well, almost.

I was going to cross the road but the traffic was too heavy for me to cross over. I was already standing at the curb, almost at the centre of the road and I didn't want to go back to standing at the pedestarian walkway. So I just stood my ground. Refused to budge.

The traffic was quite heavy and the vehicles were all speeding since they just crossed a traffic light in front. From the position that I was standing, it was like I was standing right in the path of the vehicles zooming past, towards me.

There is nothing like the feeling of adrenaline rush when you see a huge truck zooming towards you. One slip of the driver's hand at his steering wheel, I would be directly in the path of the oncoming truck, smashed into pulp in seconds.

Although feeling a little scared and intimated by the strong wind generated by the fast moving vehicles, I forced myself to stand my ground and stared at the oncoming cars, imagining the impact on my body if I were to get hit and then of me lying in a pool of blood on the road, with many people staring at my body. And the sensation of seeing the cars moving past you, missing you by inches is such an adrenalina rush, in fact it can only be described as incredibly redeming. I ran out of words to describe it. In fact I have no idea how to put the feeling into words. Its the thought that you cheat death and the satisfaction that you get in doing that.

I wonder what would happen if I really were to get hit by the big blue truck. Would I feel pain? Or my body would just shut down immediately and I would only hear the impact and not feel anything?

I wonder..

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Die Another Day

Another had passed and I am here again, like yesterday night writing an entry for my blog after a tiring day at work...

While on my way back on the bus, I just let my mind run free, thoughts after thoughts of meaningless thoughts zooming pass my tired, overworked brain. It just struck me that whatever I am doing everyday are so meaningless. Days spent working, making money and sustaining this ugly body and useless mind. Days just spent issuing credit notes, issuing payments, issuing invoices, settling payment disputes, meetings, administrative tasks and walking around the office or the empty yard. What have I contributed to the society or to the human race for the past 12 hours since I opened my eyes in the morning? Nothing, absolute nothing. Everything is just so meaningless and empty. I have wasted yet another day of my empty life doing nothing eventful nor of any importance. Ever since I was borned, I have yet to contribute to the society, or make an impact to the human species and to the universe. If thats the case, then why am I still here wasting resources and feeding on the the society like a parasite? Might as well drop dead and be gone from the face of the earth. Then there would be one less human parasite in this universe, one less parasite to occupy the limited resources of this planet and generate disgusting waste while doing that.

And talking about death, what is the best way to die? Of all the methods of self-elimination, the one that I like most is still bleeding to death. Its painless, other than the first cut to break open the skin to let the blood flow out. I always have this image of me with both of my wrists slit wide open to the bone, sitting naked in a white spacious bath tub filled with water to the brim and slowly watching the red getting blended into the white, watching my life seeping out of me and going into a deep deep sleep, never waking up. Sounds very dramatic? Well, maybe cos I have been watching too much movies. But thats the way I would go about doing it if I were to embark on my plan of self-elimination. And at the other end of the spectrum of ways for self-elimination would be the worse way I would want to die, drowning. I have nightmares of myself under the blue sea, unable to rise my head above the sea level, slowly suffocating and not begin able to draw another breathe. I still do. So, you would never see me drowning myself if I were to die one day from self-elimination. And at the middle of this spectrum of self-elimination methods would be falling from a high building. I have always wonder if I were to throw myself from the roof of a building one day, would I die before reaching the ground or die on impact? Thats a very interesting notion. Has anyone thought of that before? And besides, dying in this way is rather refreshing, you get to enjoy a twisted kind of weightless euphoria before smashing your body into pieces. Now thats some motivation to die in this way.

After death, would I still be able to see and feel? Many religions preached about having a soul. So if I were to die, would my soul or perhaps just my spiritual consciousness be able to feel what happened? What I would really want to see would be who are the people who are attending my funeral, if I really have one. When I was still a girl, I read a book about a girl who threw herself off her balcony and smashed her head before killling herself. Her spirit still lived, wandering about. She began to visit each of her friends and families to see their reactions after her deaths and as a result unveiled many skeletons in many closets. Would I be able to do that if I were to die? Who will be attending my funeral? You? Would you want to come to my funeral? Would you cry at my funeral and ask why I did what I do or would you just look at my body in the cosy coffin and felt nothing, no sadness and no feelings, just as a normal person looking at another stranger lying in her eternal sleep in the box covered with cushion? Incidentally, has any one wonder how cosy coffin actually looked? Its a tight box filled with cushions but are the cushions and pillows soft or they are just filled with hard foam to create a false sense of comfort for the person lying inside in her eternal sleep? Thats quite an interesting notion actually.

By the way, thinking of lying in a coffin, somone once told me that he would want to stuff me inside a transparent plastic coffin filled with hissing cockroaches. Thinking about his remark, it really hurt, knowing that he know full well that I have claustrophia. Maybe if you really want, when I am dead, you just need to ask my parents for permission to do that. You just need to tell them that you have my permission to do that since I hate this body anyway and besides I would not be able to feel anything physically since I am already dead. Just make yourself happy, mutilating my body. I don give a damn about it anyway. I hate this useless body of mine. Such a drag to take care of it everyday anyway, might as well destroy it and use it to satisfy another person's desire.

So there you go, another day has passed. Another day filled with emptiness had passed and another day towards my impeding death. Its makes perfect sense to say that all beings are waiting for their deaths as soon as they crawled out from their mother's warm womb. Actually all organisms, be it a plant, a micro-organism, or an animal, we are all just waiting for our deaths on this planet. Come to think of it, everything in this universe are just waiting to get eliminated or get destroyed at the point when they are formed. Nothing last forever in this universe. Stars are formed every moment, stars are dying each moment. Universe are formed and universe die each second, its just that we are not able to see them happening thats all. How long do you think our sun would last? Billions, zillions or trillions of years? So what? In the end, it would still die off, no matter what. So that being the point, why are we humans still fighting everyday, for power, for money, for that moment of happiness and most ironic of all, for life? Isn't it so ironic that whatever we won from fighting, we would still have to lose it in the end when we are dead? How laugable and how pathetic humans are. In the process of fighting, we lost sight of the fact that nothing last forever. Why not be less ambitious and let go of what we are fighting for? Nothing is worth fighting for. Love, principles, values, power, money, civilizations, land, identity or just simple happiness. In the end, everything will be gone when you are dead.

There you have it, the raging thoughts of an empty girl, just a walking mindless body going through the everyday duties, feeling nothing and seeing death everywhere. Interesting? I hope so. Mind-blogging, I don think so. Its quite simple actually, death is everywhere and nothing is worth fighting for and humans and all things that were created are just parasites feeding off the universe, just waiting for the right moment to die or get destroyed. Maybe one day I shall just self-eliminate and shorten my dying process and get rid of one useless organism from this universe.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Sex, woman & the mind of a married man

Its a little weird to know how the mind of a man work, the mind of a married man to be exact. Apparently according to the this married man, men are constantly fantasizing about the women that they see in compromising positions with them and how they are giving the woman the best sex of their lifetime. It never crossed my mind that I might actually be the object of fantasies! And this really got me thinking, how many of the guys in my workplace had actually fantasized about fucking me?! Hah! I wonder if the Ah Bengs did think of banging me! Now thats a really hilarious thought! And if that being the case, then how many of my male friends had fantasized about me giving them blowjobs?!

So confess, you who have a dick and is reading this blog right now, have you ever thought of fucking me?


Tuesday, July 12, 2005


Originally uploaded by blurfroggie.

I finally saw the real "me" today!

It was Eunis' birthday today and her boyfriend and a close friend gave her a bouquet of blue irises each. They were lovely! I have never seen real irises before and they looked so refreshing and beautiful.. Its so nice to be able to see something so bright and colourful in the office, especially when you got so bogged down by work...!

Although I have never been a big fan of flowers, its really wonderful to be able to see the real thing that I am named after. They are so rich in colours and are so blue that they looked almost purple..

Happy Birthday Eunis and thanks for giving me the chance to see the real "me"!


Lets talk about risks today.

Do you know everyone of us are actually taking very big risks just by waking up each day, brushing our teeth, eating breakfast and then going to work or to school? You think about it, the mere act of just waking up from your bed by itself a big risk. You risk falling off the bed and breaking your neck as a result. How about brushing your teeth? You risk cutting your mouth and having some unknown weird bacteria entering your system through the cut in the process. Eating breakfast? Thats simple, you risk getting choked by the piece of bread that you ate. Getting out of the house and going to work or to school? Thats even worse, you risk getting killed on the roads, having a pot of plant dropping on you, or slipping and falling down the stairs and breaking your neck. The moment you open your eyes every morning, you risk getting yourself hurt or even killed in some freak accidents.

My point being?

The fact is, everyone of us are risk takers. The moment we were forced out of our mother's wombs, we were already taking a very big risk, the risk of getting killed soon after we screamed our first cry. Has anyone thought of this before? Throughout our lifetime, we are constantly taking risks in the choices that we made although some risks are so minute that we do not even give it a second thought. Would you even think that you are in fact taking a big risk when you are brushing your teeth? I doubt so.

If all of us already have the courage to take risks in every moment that we are living, then why is it that most, if not all of us do not have the necessary courage to face our problems with the bravery that we displayed when we are taking the risk that we take everyday? That by itself is actually a very ironic occurrence. We have an inate courage which we are relying on everyday and yet we are not able to see it ourself. Perhaps its because most of us have no idea how brave we are and as a result do not have the confidence to face our problems. In the end, some prefer to hide and run from our problems. I admit I do.

Perhaps its because hiding and running away does provide a temporary sense of security. There is this illusion that you do not need to worry about the looming problem on hand. How sad and ironic! We are wasting the in-born courage that we have to tackle our problems and choose instead to be comforted by a false sense of security.

Maybe its time everyone of us just sit back and think about the things that we do each day, the kind of risks that we are taking each day and praise ourselves for the courage that we show when we are taking these risks. God knows that self-encouragement is sorely lacking these days! Perhaps it is when we are truly able to see and feel the courage that we have deep down inside us, the risks that we are actually taking every moment and our problems will not appear to be suffocating us at all, no matter how big and terrible they are.

Monday, July 11, 2005

A Woman' Sensuality

Originally uploaded by blurfroggie.

Have you ever wonder what makes a woman's body so sensual, so beautiful and so attractive?

I have always been attracted to a woman's body, and wonder with amazement about her sensuality and her softness. The curves and the fairness of the whole anatomy. Its such a beautiful piece of art. No matter the size or the height, there is always this mysterious sexual aura about a woman's body.

Woman's body represents the soft sexuality of mankind. Every part of her body exudes softness and grace. There can be a strong-willed and stubborn woman but ultimately her body will betray her. She is made to be elegant and exquisite. She is meant to be taken care of, to be protected and to be loved.

To me, the most sensual part of a woman's body is neither the breasts nor the legs but the back, especially the lower, smaller back. There is just something so mystical about the back of a woman. The soft lines and the fine traces of muscles on the back hint of a certain hardness and yet is so graceful at the same time. The paleness and smoothness somehow reminds me of Diana, of purity and poise.

The woman's body is truly the most beautiful piece of art ever created.

Sunday, July 10, 2005


Understanding, such a simple word and yet often not used enough. Why is it so difficult for us to be able to understand the people around you, why they are doing the things that they do and why they are reacting the way they are reacting? Sometimes all it takes is a little open-mindedness and a little sensitivity for us to put ourselves in the shoes of the people around you to avoid any misunderstandings and any unhappiness.

Ozzie has been the source of conflict between my dad and my sis. Both are equally stubborn and equally hard-mouthed. Dad is getting old and is getting very sensitive to any remarks about his authority in the family, perceived or otherwise. He is aware of the fact that we are all grown up and do not need him anymore but he just do not want to relinquished his authority and still prefer to think that we are still very much dependent on him. This evening, a tiny misunderstanding between him and sis resulted in a big row. I did not want to get involved and locked myself in the room when I heard a loud bang. He banged on the door when my sis locked herself in bro's room. Its fortunate that bro was back in camp, otherwise there would be an even worse row.

Naturally, I was pissed and shouted at him, "You are such a petty man!" The fact is, he locked Ozzie up cos she was barking. My sis on seeing that went to prepare the bed for Ozzie and accidentally let him loose. Dad took it that my sis was purposely going against him and the result was a shouting match between the two of them.

The moment I shouted the words, I regretted it. I don want to get involved in my family conflicts any more. It has no endings. No one wants to listen to logic and everyone including my dad just want to have the last say. My mum always end up trying to pacify the situation. Whats the point? I have since distanced myself from my parents since last year when I had a big row with my family over an Internet friend. They are more interested in making me behaving the way they want instead of accepting me the way I am. So I see no point in making them understand me at all. Might as well not do or say anything.

As usual, in the end, the row only stopped when I told my dad that I have nothing to say to him anymore, which was according to his wishes of asking me to shut up anyway. Just as well, he had the last say, he was happy, my sis back away from the confrontation since I was involved, my mum don have to pacify the situation, I held back my feelings and emotions, everyone was happy. And the best thing was the row ended.

Sometimes, a little understanding and sensitivity are all it needs in the family but it would seem that such simple attibutes are sorely lacking in mine. I am so tired of these all.

Lucretia's Tales

Lucretia is a woman who was raped when she was 14. Everything was snatched from her when it happened. Her innocence, her virginity, her sexuality, her emotions and her money. In turn, she grew to hate her womanhood so much so that she can't bear to even look at it. And no man seemed to be able to satisfy her sexually. When she met a man who could do that, everything explodes.

Her eroticas are very vivid and explicit though so might be a little hard for some to swallow..

Evil Minx

What you want...

Now this is one very erotic post.. So arousing that I felt stirrings..

Brits reaction to the bombing

'In front of pain and disaster, the Brits haven't been shaken at all. They are back to their lives, keeping their emotions well hidden within their heart, which is where they are supposed to stay. The terrorists have lost their battle in England because they can't bring terror in London. The Brits don't react to fear. They have a dignity that most other peoples (Italians for example) do not have."

By Maximus Kuseikos

Unlike the Americans who retaliate by declaring war on their supposed enemies and stepped right into the traps of the bloody bastards, creating more mayhem, the Brits quietly maintain their dignity through their ordeal.

Found this blog through SPG's blog. I must confessed that I really like reading this Italian's thoughts and words. They hit right to the point through wit and realism, although the postings are a tad too long. His post on how men are obsessed, really obsessed with their penises is really hilarious! I totally agreed with him! Penises are the source of men's egos and they need to be stroked (pun intended) all the time. Men...

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Holy Snake!

Ever wonder how a snake can swallow a kangeroo?

Here it is....

Not for the faint hearted...

Hairy business!

Finally went to cut my hair today. Its been too long and too heavy. Because my frontal head has too little hair and my back has too much hair, my head look weird cos the front is too flat but the back is too luscious. And the length is too much for me to handle. Its so long that when I fold my hands across my chest, the tip of my tresses got caught between the strap of my watch. Now I finally remember why I have not wore watch for a long time, its cos I took it off the previous time when my hair was this length too..

Anyway, I went back to look for Darren. Hes this balding guy with a port belly, a small one and thin and elegant hands. The first thing that I noticed about him was his arms and his fingers. They are really long and elegant, just the right kind fit for a hairstylist. For some reason I just have full confidence in him when he cuts my hair. The first time when I went to him, I just told him "My hair is too long, just cut it as you deem fit. Don worry about the length." I doubt any girls will said such a thing to their hairstylist! Today, I did not do that but I did complain to him that my hair was too long and he scolded me for not cutting my hair for so long although he was really amazed that the condition of my hair is so good, and even more amazed that I do not condition my hair often! And he also found it hard to accept that I have not rebonded my hair since the last time he did it for me! That was like a year ago!

I am more than satisfied with my new hair style now. No doubt its shorter but its so much lighter and free-er and it make me look more refreshed. Long hair has this tendency to make the owner become haggard after some time. And I also coloured it brown!

I don want to be a woman!

I am in a vulnerable state of physical health at the moment. Its the period of the month again and I hate it! Why? Let me tell you why...

First, a week or two before the red starts to flow, my whole body will start to feel very bloated. My boobies will get inflated like 2 bloody big balloons and they will feel like they have been punched by Mike Tyson for a hour. The tummy will also start to swell. To cut it short, the whole body will start to bloat.

Then my hormones will get very wired and my temper will start to soar. My emotions and feelings get very mixed up and I feel sensitive to the comments of the people around me. I get sad and miserable or angry and pissed all the time and sometimes when my hormones get really bad, I can even cry for no reason. Cry until i fall asleep and my eyes will look like those of goldfishes when I wake up.

Next, the dreaded cramps will come. Its not exactly pain as in the kind of pain that you get when you need to shit. Its more like the tummy area will feel really really cold and crammy. Imagine putting a 15cm by 15cm by 15cm block of ice on your tummy. Now try and imagine having this block of ice inside your tummy and imagine the pain of it. Not only that, the legs, especially the calves get really cold and the whole body will lose heat very fast. Sometimes, I even shiver when I am not in an air con room when this happens. Like now.

Lastly, the red will start to flow and then the cramps will be magnified by 10 times. And at this time, everything will get really messy. Don understand why? Just think how convenient if you have a soggy piece of thick tissue in between your legs and it gets soggier and soggier if you don change it regularly!

So in the end, I will feel like a bloated girl with bad cramps, goldfish eyes, feeling cold all the time and having a piece of soggy tissue in between my legs. Hows that for waking up to all these early in the morning and yet I have to drag my bloated feet to work. It sucks big time, really really big time.

So guys, next time your sweet and patient girlfriends start to get bitchy cos its THE period of the month, try and understand her situation. Its not as she wants it to happen. Sometimes she herself might not even know that shes turning into a real bitch anyway. If you think, "Hey whats the big deal, it happens to her every month so she should be used to it by now!" Then go sandwich yourself between 2 blocks of ice. Then punch your eyes until they are swollen and lastly stuff a gigantic piece of soggy tissue between your legs and walk around like that for half and hour. Then you come back and tell me if you will get use to it if this happens to you every month.


Friday, July 08, 2005

Relationships can be so vulnerable

Something happened that made me rethink the way I treat relationships or friendships.

I rushed out of house today to meet a friend. At the point when I boarded the bus, I discovered with a jolt that I forgot to bring my pink EZ-link card out. The blue one that I had on me did not have any value left. Not wanting to go back to take my pink card that has value and be late, I asked around on the bus if anyone has change. There was a bespectacled Fairfield secondary boy who took out $2.50 in the form of 2 $1 coins and 1 $0.50 and passed it to me. And the most incredible thing was that he refused to take my $2 note when I gave to him for exchange. He kept insisting that I take it. I was so surprised but I insisted that he take the money since my intention was to exchange it for coins and never to take money from anyone. In the end, he had was no match for my insistance and took my note.

The whole incident made me realize something with a jolt. A week ago, someone treated me like thrash over a mere $15. He hurt me with his words and made me feel so cheap over such a small amount of money. He was a close friend and yet he was willing to hurt me over such a small amount of money. On the other hand, the bespectacled boy, who was a total stranger to me, was actually willing to give me money so that I would have the money to take my bus, een though the amount of money was not a lot. It just startled me when I realized that people can really turn into something else when they are dealing with money. And it made me discover something else too. Then I realize that only myself alone can have the power to make me feel cheap, no one else can. And its only when I allow others that they have the ability to hurt me.

And I am not going to allow that anymore. The world is selfish, if I do not protect myself, no one will and if I get generous, people are going to be selfish towards me.

The ironic thing is that when I was on the train, I searched my bag and found out that I did bring my pink EZ-link card out, its been hidden from view thats all. Perhaps it was meant for me to not find the card so that I can have the realizations that I had.


Giving and not wanting anything in return

The thing I loved most about keeping a blog is that you can tell your blog your thoughts and it will never ever insult you or impose its opinions upon you. You can crap and rant or nag and sob into your blog and it will always be there for you to vent your anger, misery, happiness and heartbreaks without fail. Its so much better than talking about your problems with another human sometimes. Most people just hear and give their own opinions. Sometimes all I need is just a listening ear, someone who is willing to let me talk without passing his/her judgements or forcing their opinions onto me. Most of the time, I know what I am doing, even though my actions may not be acceptable to others but I only want to talk about my actions without being told that I should or should not be doing what I am doing.

Thats why a blog is my best avenue of venting my feelings. It does not interrupt, nor does it impose. It only takes in what I want to say and what I am feeling. It takes in my frustration patiently and listen without telling me off. In essence, it gives without wanting anything back. It gives me a listening ear without expecting.

Pathetic right? Gotta rely on a piece of machine to vent my feelings. I know.

Thursday, July 07, 2005


I just exchanged 3 Shaw movie vouchers with a GV movie pass with a colleague of mine. So I am now left with 1 Shaw and 1 GV movie pass. The irony of life. Or rather its the coincidence of life. I don have companions to watch movies with me that frequently now so I am stuck with 1 movie pass of each cinema instead of 2 of each cinemas. No worries, I shall just go watch movies alone now. Then again, its kinda pathetic to be watching movies alone. Movies are meant for enjoyment and watching them alone just seem so lonely, like there is no one that you have, like you are living in your own world.

No man is an island. Everyone has some kind of relationships with everyone ultimately. In the end, the relationships between all individuals living on this planet are linked together like a gigantic ribbon, neverending though easily broken. Didn't Christianity preached about all men and women ultimately sourced from Adam and Eve? Implication: we are all related. Buddhism also talked about how all beings are related one way or another after countless rebirths. At some point of time, we may have rubbed shoulders with a very distant relative without even knowing it. The thought of being related to so many people is amazing and comforting at the same time. Comforting cos I know I will never be isolated.

The ultimate irony is however that for most, if not all, people, they will never know exactly the kind of relationships that linked them together. In fact, most people don even want to know. Perhaps from the fear of getting involved? Its sad. Man desperately need each other to survive and yet we reject and refuse each other.

I am babbling again...


Originally uploaded by blurfroggie.

Julian Beever is an english artist who is famous for his art on the pavements of large European cities. His pictures are all anamorphosis. If taken from the correct angle, they will appear to be 3D, just like the real thing.


Wednesday, July 06, 2005

The Innocence in us all

I belive that there is a certain level of innocence in all of us. Its something beautiful and is hidden inside our soul, preventing us from ever truly growing up and forgeting our childhood. Its what is pure and free inside all of us.

Did anyone notice it? I do.

You see it when you see your aging father with greying hair talking baby-talk to your dog, you see it when you see a full grown man playing happily with a paper cup. You hear it when you hear your sister singing lullabys in the shower, you hear it when you hear your parents laughing at how dumb your dog is. You felt it when you felt yourself moving and tapping your head to the rythmes of a song from your childhood and you felt it when you felt the happiness and laughter at whoever is laughing around you.

With so much worldy troubles that we are facing, its this innocence that is providing the much needed redemption for us to not change into cold-hearted fakes that we need to be when we are busy going about doing our worldy matters. Its this innocence that is preventing us from ever losing track of happiness.

Its the core essence of happiness. Without innocence, we will not be amazed with wide eyes on the many daily wonders around us. Its also this innocence that is creating a shield and protecting us from becoming the monsters that all of us are secretly very scared of turning into, a lonely cold-hearted monster that will never be able to feel happiness.


I think I am getting a toothache in my right baby canine. Yes, I do have 2 very well-conditioned though a little black baby canine. Somehow when I was a child, I took such well care of my canines that they did not fall off. And I am already 25 this year so just imagine the long overdue stay that these 2 teeth are having in my mouth!

Now the right side is starting to give me a little problem. Its turning blacker and blacker. And I am having a little headache from the constant dull pain. Sometimes it come and sometimes it does not. And it hurts when I use it to chew directly on my food. Ouch........

The problem is that if I were to pluck it out, there would be a gap there and I would need to use braces to push the adjacent teeth to close the gap and guess what, this would cost at least $3K!

Then it would not be my teeth or head that hurts, but my heart instead. Heartache for my depleting bank account! Somehow this year must be the year of operations for me! First my wisdom teeth, then my lasik eye operation and how maybe my tooth! Oh dear...

Monday, July 04, 2005

Centre of the Sun

Young girl in the market
Gives it to the men
When the men leave
Her eyes are red
When her eyes are closed again she sees the dark market

And she sings
They say the most horrible things
But I hear violins

When I close my eyes
I am at the center of the sun
And I cannot be hurt
By anything this wicked world has done

Young boy in the market
Follows all the men
When the men leave
Hes out of his head
When his eyes are closed again he sees the dark market...

And he sings
They break the most beautiful things
But I hear violins

When I close my eyes
I am at the center of the sun
And I cannot be hurt
By anything this wicked world has done

I look into your eyes
And I am at the center of the sun
And I cannot be hurt
By anything this wicked world has done

Center of the sun

Young boy in the market
Sees the girl alone
And asks her
Have you lost you way home?

She sings
You say the most beautiful things
Just like my violins

I look into your eyes
I am at the center of the sun
And I cannot be hurt
By anything this wicked world has done

When I close my eyes
I am at the center of the sun
And I cannot be hurt
By anything this wicked world has done

Cause I hear violins
I hear violins
Center of the sun

I hear violins

Saturday, July 02, 2005


Over $40?

I am only worth $40.

It hurts.