Thursday, March 29, 2007

I want an empty gastric

Lately I do not seem to want to have food inside. Don get me wrong, I am still eating but after I am full, I feel full, as in really really bloated kinda full.

Which is real uncomfortable.

I have no idea what happened suddenly, perhaps my hormones are wrecking up my internals again but I seem to get turned off by the food inside my body.

So I did the next logical thing to do. I puked up my food.

Now, puking has its good and bad points. For the first, it made me more comfortable. I feel released, as if my burden has been lifted. Everything feels lighter and my tummy even feels flatter! Basically, I just feel like a kinda of heavy weight has been lifted from my body, literally and the feeling is just so comfortable, for lack of a better word.

But as things go, there are both sides to everything. Puking makes me tear and its a real messy affair. And not to mention troublesome. I had to stick my fingers deep into my throat and force myself to gag hard while contracting my gastric at the same time so that my food will be forced out. I think I have a very tough and strong gastric, it takes a long time before my food can be forced out. And thats like half an hour passed after I had my meal.

Don get me wrong, I ain't getting bulimia here. I ain't binging or self loath here. I just do not feel comfortable with food inside me, I feel heavy when I eat and I feel tired and sick when I have food inside. My puking is a result of logical processing of thoughts instead of an illogical sense of psychological self esteem issue. And I ain't hiding my puking habits here.

I do binge on sweets though. Heh.

Anyway, anyone here got such feelings before?

Monday, March 26, 2007

Ozzie again

Constance called me the other day, she asked if I was still interested in moving out and staying with her.

I told her I dunno cos like what she said, I do not want my parents to think that I have abandon them by moving out.

Then again, the option of moving out is becoming rather attractive.

Considering that my bro is coming home a lot these days and my sis is back to sleeping in the same room as me. With smelly Ozzie.

And considering that she just brought back another baby parrot, though she said she will just be taking care of the poor bird and letting it go after its well enough to fly, (my mum told me her friend saved it from the crutches of an eagle apparently).

And also considering that I just find it harder and harder to tolerate her irrational ways of thinking that I am biased against Ozzie when I am not.

Now, let me just elaborate why by giving you an example.

I was sitting on my desk watching DVD. I stretched my legs under the table and kicked something soft. Stupid Ozzie was snuggled up under the table sleeping. I asked her to get out but she ignored me. I tugged at her collar and pushed her out from under the table.

My sis shouted at me. Before Ozzie the idiot dog walked out slowly, as if enjoying the moment.

I just wished at that moment that I should just go ahead and kick that dog right in the middle instead of pulling it out from under the table to avoid her from getting kicked by me accidentally.
Things like this will always continue to happen as long as the animals are in the family. Becos of my sis, I have gotten more and more easily irritated by her pets, to the point that I am actually hating them. And more and more disgusted by her bitch.

The thought that she is always labeling selfish just ticks me off so bad. Whos the selfish one who brought animals home without even consulting the people who lives in this house and creating such a rackus everyday from the noise of the animals??

Maybe I should just get my parents to kick her out of the house.


I was having a business lunch this afternoon after an agreement signing session. There were 8 of us altogether, our customers and us, 4 from each side.

All of us we seated on a table and we were chatting happily, the bosses from each side were talking about going to the gym at some uppity classy places, making plans to organize singing sessions with each other, like they were the best of buddies.

Which is to the contrary actually. Lets just say I doubt they can really stand each other if they were to stay together with each other for a week.

As I was shitting and puking my gastric out in the toilet, a thought just crossed my mind. The world is made up of fakos. Too much of them. I faced them everyday, in fact I am guilty of that too. I put on masks everyday, different kind of masks with different kind of people. I hide behind masks cos I do not want to let others know the real me. I am afraid of showing my true nature to them, afraid of exposing my vulnerability to others. They on the other hand are doing it for the same reason too. In face, everyone in this world do that too.

Its kinda sick actually. The thought that you can never believe the person who is sharing your lunch with you.

Then you said, "but thats how the world goes, people put on masks to protect themselves. Its a kind of natural defense mechanism. Self defense."

Which I agreed. But don you think its rather sad? That we have to resort to being hypocrites to stay alive?

Incidentally, I wasn't puking because of what I thought but rather I was really physically sick.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Collective soul running

Are these times contagious
Ive never been this bored before
Is this the prize Ive waited for
Now with the hours passing
Theres nothing left here to insure
I long to find a messenger

Have I got a long way to run
Have I got a long way to run
Yeah, I run

Is there a cure among us

From this processed sanity
I weaken with each voice that sings
Now, in this world of purchase
Im going to buy back memories
To awaken some old qualities

Have I got a long way to run
Have I got a long way to run
Yeah, I run
Yeah, I run

Have I got a long way
Have I got a long way
Have I got a long way to run
Have I got a long way to run

Yeah, I run (have I got a long way to run)

Why am I writing here?

This is one of the times when I really feel like wanting to write in my blog, telling others about my feelings but yet, somehow, no words escape me.

It seems that I am not able to express my thoughts and feelings here anymore. Even though I am so filled with so much feelings and so much thoughts, almost to the extend that I felt like exploding with these internal emotions..

So confusing and definitely not something nice for me.

I guess there is really no need for me to write much about myself and my feelings here, inevitably I will always ended up writing about my confusion, my pains, my boredom and my worries. Somehow there ain't nothing much for me to feel happy about in my life, I guess I don see a bright future for myself and neither do I see myself joyful in the near future.

But vomiting all my negative vibes here do really makes me feel so much better, I always feel warmer knowing that there are still people out there who care enough about my life to want to read about me and to know about me.

Thank you, whoever you are, for reading about me.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007


I have a friend, a high flyer who is always working, literally flying around the world rushing for meetings and staying at some of the finest hotels in the world, and yet he feels strange, like something is not complete. He keeps a blog and even though he only pens down his daily life, one can sense a very strong undercurrent of emptiness.

I have a friend who keeps a blog and is rather popular, he always pen his thoughts and feelings in his blog in which he talks about his happiness, his work, his friends. He is rather funny in his blog and sometimes his comments draw laughter. And yet, one can sense that he does not really laugh at his life, in fact one can read a very strong tone of loneliness.

I have a friend, another high flyer who is earning about $4k per month and yet she feels lonely, to the extend of looking around at the wrong places for physical companionship. She ended up feeling empty after each relationships. And worse of all, getting hurt.

I have a friend who likes to keep to himself, does not like to tell anyone his problems, to the point that he will get very enrage if one probes him about his problem. He likes to hang around by himself, not wanting nor liking people to intrude in his life. And yet there is this constant yearning in him to open himself to others, to share his thoughts and feelings with someone.

I have a friend who is always working until late at night, not wanting to go home even though everyone in the office has gone home. On the outside, he is a cheerful joker, always making jokes and making fun of others. Yet, he has a strange look on his face when you ask him about his life.

I have a friend, who looks exactly like me, always smiling and seem happy. She works everyday, pushing herself to fulfill the expectations of the people around her, trying to look ok on the outside. She looks tough outside, rushing around everyday trying to solve her everyday problems. Yet inside she is very fragile, to the point that she cries herself to sleep almost every night. To the point that sometimes she feels like giving everything up, to walk away from everyone around her, to be free and to be off to a place where there is no loneliness.

I believe these friends are inflicted by the one of the strongest diseases of our society. Its called loneliness.

A long word with a simple implication.

So ironic, so sad and so empty.

So cold..

Monday, March 12, 2007

"I am having fatigue of you"

"I am having fatigue of you"

What does someone meant when they said this to you? How would you react?

Thats as good as saying I am tired of you, just leave me alone. Thats as good as saying get the hell out of my face cos I never want to talk to you again. Thats as good as saying goodbye and fuck off.

What would you do if someone said that to you?

I am crying not cos of the words, but rather cos of the implications. Its so hurtful..

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Adam and Eve

I was out with my friends last night, had a long awaited gathering, this time Jerry was also with us.

And inevitably, the question of differences between man and woman was thrown on the discussion floor. Thats where it gets really interesting cos we have a guy with us and we were able to see things from the male's perspectives.

As things get a wee bit heated up during the discussion, Valerie summarized our discussion about how man and woman think and react different by giving a classic example.

"If you put a naked woman in front of a man, he would get turned on immediately and of course, a certain part of his anatomy would react. However, if you put a naked man in front of a woman, you see if she gets turned on, more like she would be turned off!"

We applauded and laughed at her analogy. Even Jerry, he said it was biologically natural.

Then I contributed. "I guessed its natural, the woman does not need to be real beautiful or gorgeous, just a plain simple female would do, the sight of her naked would turn on any males. I would be really worried for you if you do not react when you see a naked woman!"

I continued," However, this is also to a certain extent. I mean, if you put a super obese naked woman in front of a man, you tell me if he would get turned on?! I think he would have stopped seeing her as a woman anymore!"

And then I asked Jerry, since he was the only male there, "which part of the woman's body turns you on the most?"

"Collarbone." Which I thought was rather refreshing.

And then I threw the question to the floor to the ladies.

Iris - Back and height
Constance - Built and height
Janice - Shoulder and height
Valerie - Height
Wendy - Shoulder
Alexis - Eyes

So, just to make my boring blog a little more interesting here, anyone male readers here care to offer on what part of the woman's anatomy turns you on the most?

Friday, March 09, 2007

Mont Blanc pens

The 5 of us were having dinner at North Border at Rochester Park. Incidentally, the place is really romantic and the food is fantastic, try it if you do have the chance! Anyway, my boss wanted to treat us to dinner for no reason, just the team leaders so there were only the 5 of us and that was also the reason why he agreed to go to Rochester Park cos the price there is on the high side.

And so we had finished our food and were chatting around.

Suddenly, I saw W's Mont Blanc pen. I borrowed it and played with it for a while. I looked around and realized that there were 3 persons on the table who are carrying Mont Blanc pens.

So I asked, " Anyone knows what is the logo of Mont Blanc and what does it stand for?"

The guys all looked around, shaking their head.

"Kaoz, all of you wearing Mont Blanc until so proud and none know whats is the white logo?!

That can only say one thing about them man... Heh.

So anyone here knows what is the logo of Mont Blanc? No cheating pls!

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Gong Xi Fa Cai!

In line with the CNY, Jerry, JP's dog decided to get into the mood too..!

Saturday, March 03, 2007

My eyes

My eye sight is really getting from bad to worse, I doubt I can see words that are about 8 feet away. And my eyes seem to feel swollen all the time..

I think its time for me to go back for another lasik.

Then again, I am quite scared of going into JB right now, the situation there seems to be getting from bad to worse.

Talking to myself

You know someone is lonely and bored when she starts to take an interest in shopping alone, eating alone, basically doing things alone.

Thats what I had been doing quite frequently. Entertaining myself, doing things by myself, hanging out by myself.

Frankly speaking, I was quite alright with it. Other than the fact that my parents are starting to feel worried about me, cos they keep asking me if everything is alright with me and questioning me on why am I shopping alone.

Until I start to talk to myself. Not just in my head, but talking out loud, thinking my thoughts out and treating myself like another person. Thats where it starts to feel a little weird. And its quite frequent too.

The first time I noticed it was I asked myself what I would like for lunch, in a public food court too. It was a lucky thing no one was around me or they would feel weird..