Beautiful Things

Got up early, found something’s missing
My only name
No one else sees, but I got stuck
And soon forever came
Stopped pushing on for just a second
Then nothing’s changed
Who am I this time, where's my name?
Guess it crept away

No one's calling for me at the door
And unpredictable won't bother anymore
And silently gets harder to ignore

Look straight ahead, there’s nothing left to see
What’s done is done, this life has got its hold on me
Just let it go, what now can never be

I forgot that I might see
So many beautiful things
I forgot that I might need
To find out what life could bring

Beautiful things

Take this happy ending away
It's all the same
God won't waste this simplicity
On possibility
Get me up, wake me up, dreams are filling
This trace of blame
Frozen still I thought I could stop
Now who's gonna wait?

No one's calling for me at the door
And unpredictable won't bother anymore
And silently gets harder to ignore

Look straight ahead, there’s nothing left to see
What’s done is done, this life has got its hold on me
Just let it go, what now can never be

So many beautiful things
So many beautiful things

Now what do I do?
Can I change my mind?
Did I think things through?
It was once my life
It was my life at one time

Purple puke..

Its not everyday that you can dance and drink with your CEO and tonight happened to be one of these days for me...

Mr Tan kept getting us to drink and of all drinks, it had to be red wine. I had already downed a glass of Vodka and a glass of beer. In the end, I had no idea how much wine I drank. At the end of the event, he wanted to bring us to some club at One Fullerton and so I had to go. On the way there, I was already rather drunk and even had difficulties walkin straight, I was really tipsy torvy. I remembered sitting in Mr Tan's Beamer and recalled that it was very nicely furnished. He even told us stories about his wifey and stuff about himself in his army days.

Then I remembered walking to a dark place to a rather nicely furnished club, could not remembered the name though. As soon as I reached there, I went straight to the loo to puke. Threw up quite a fair bit of wine. And then went back to the white sofa to rest for awhile and then back to the loo again to puke. This time I retched so hard that my stomach actually hurt. And I never knew how much wine I drank and how much peanuts I ate until I threw them all out. The whole toilet bowl actually was filled with purple and blue gooey stuff.. Yucks.

Then Mike called us out and said they are starting to dance. And so I went to the dance floor to let myself go. mr Tan also joined in, seeing that we were so havoc. I was so relaxed that at some point of time, I recalled pulling Mr Tan back to the dance floor when he got tired and sat on the side of the stage. Its crazy, pure adrenaline rush and sheer fun! So much fun!

After a while though my drunkeness was gone and I was actually very awake, like now, though still a little drunk and high from all the dancing, drinking and shouting. I actually shouted myself hoarse and my eardrums are still vibrating from all the loud music...

I think I am going to puke again...

Mindcircus

I am so tired of listening to our radio, the few popular songs kept getting played, replayed and then replayed again and again every single day. There are only so many pop songs that one can really listen to before getting tired and sick of them!

I have been looking for other genres of music to listen to and the latest favs of mine is trance, electronic and vocalists, musics that are not the mainstream. Perhaps even new age. Funny, I used to hate such genre of music until some recent influences.

The first reaction that I would get from most people when I introduced to them such music would be that the tunes tend to give them headaches and they would rather stay away from them. I used to be like that too in the not-so-recent past. I can't believe how much I had been missing by staying away from them! There are actually so much euphoric surprises hidden inside these musics and the different remixes provide so much excitement to one's senses!

Its only when you are willing to open up your mind before you would be able to truly enjoy such musics. In fact, come to think of it, this applies to all kind of music too. Brushing away a particular genre just cos its of that particular genre is such a pity. You have already discounted something before you even dare to take the first step in giving it a chance. Its like you have already judge the subject before even allowing it any chance to prove itself. Thats really unfair to the subject but most of all, its so much more unfair to yourself. Judge, discount and dispose instead of experience, discount and dispose/enjoy. What a waste!

Then again, thats life. We are always so sure of ourself, so sure that all the choices that we made are always right and that we know whats the best for us. Our thought and decision-making processes are so one-sided that we tend to only look down the road in a single direction; straight in front. Some do that cos they are so used to taking the safe mode while others just have this innate ability to only focus on whats in front instead of giving the side path a second look. Most just do not have the courage to do that out of fear that whatever sidepaths they take will fail them. In the end, the straight road ahead will be so cleared of any surprises that its became so boring while the side treks are filled with so much surprises but not many will be able to understand nor have the chance to explore.. We have essentially became tamed horses fitted with self-imposed blinders so that we only look at the front and ignore whatever at the side roads

Perhaps we should take a little breather from just walking on the safe road. Venture out into more unknown paths and explore whatever that are on the side treks. Wearing our blinders too often will tend to make one lost track of whatever has been happening around him and soon, at the end of the road, one would find that actually the road that hes been taking is actually so tame, so mundane. Its kinda sad actually and rather ironic too. We are all blessed with a wonderful sense of curiousty yet we try so hard to stifle it so as to remain safe and free from failures. In the end, we have missed so many chances to explore and to be surprised.

Incidentally, the song that I am so crazy about right now is called Mindcircus by Way Out West, the Gabriel and Dresden remix.

Dinner dress

Spent about $300 over the past weekend.. Sweat.... On food, movies, clothing.. surprisingly I did not buy any shoes.. Perhaps this weekend then.. :P

Got these while shopping with Eelin after the musical put up by her church.. Now shoes and bag to go along with the dress..!!

Year end pensiveness

Today is the 1 year anniversary of the Boxing day Tsunami. Its scary how time flies. A year is almost gone, a year had gone past since the killer wave claimed the lives of thousands worldwide and change the lives of millions everywhere, from the far ends of Mauritius to Indonesia. The thing I distinctively remembered about the tsunami, other than the deathtoll was the way the whole world seem to stand together to help each other to cope with the devastating effects of the waves, how mighty countries like US polled together their resources for the victims in India, and how a small country like Singapore extend a helping hand to a gigantic country like Indonesia. Its rather heartwarming, if one disregard the underlying politics at play.

Somehow this is not what I have been meaning to talk about here but disregarding the anniversary of such a major worldwide event seem not right.

Anyway..

A year had gone by without notice, at least to me that is. I was so caught up with so many stuff that I am left a bit daze that I have actually survive the year intact, physically. Emotionally however, I am actually rather brutalized, though the word seem to be rather strong. Yet, I survived and I am glad that I did. There were times when I just felt like giving up, just quit and leave for some forsaken island in the far ends of an unknown part of the world, where I am a stranger and to restart my life all over again. Times when I just feel like putting an end to my miserable and mundane existence. I am actually amazed by whatever happened and how I managed to get over all that happened. Whatever the case, everything that happened has happened and talking about it seemed so childish and stupid. Dwelling on it is just so useless. Its really time for me to move on.

Happy New year to all, enjoy the days as they come, for time waits for no one and before you know it, its gone. Cherish each day as if they were the last day of your existence and enjoy them whole heartedly. Most of all, do not take anyone and anything for granted. :)

Insane un-sleeping marathon

Gosh, I think I am going insane.. Had been styaing up real late, or I should say, real early these days and then waking up early in the morning to work.. The past week had been very very stressful and really fast for me.. I am actually very amazed that I managed to survive it...

Lets see...

I almost lost 2 cheques on Tue.. Total amount came up to about $3.5k. I had to issue 2 cheques to pay the shipping company for 2 stoopig clearance and I misplaced them in the pantry. One of the managers took it and passed to a girl in accounts who did not inform me about it. As I was really caught up in my work, I did not realize that I had misplaced it until it was about 8pm at night, by which everyone had gone home. It also happened that it was Tiffany's birthday the next day and she invited the group of us to go KTV with her. I stayed until like 1.30am and slept at about 3am. Woke up at 5am and could not get back to sleep cos I was so worried about the missing cheques.. Finding them the next day was my best Christmas present for me manz....

And then came Thur. I had to rush to get Christmas presents for my colleagues. But because I had yet to finish my work, it was only until very late did I manage to finish buying all the presents. Stayed up till 2am to finish wrapping them..

Fri was spent with watching Narnia with Eelin and Joan. It was a 10.30pm show. By the time I reached home it was about 1plus in the morning and I slept at about 2am. Woke up at 6am the next day to go work..

Sat, which just passed, was rather insane as well. I had to wake up early in the morning to go back to office. And then after that, I rushed off to meet Naixuhs and CB for a movie triathon. Caught Merry Christmas, highly recommended in my opinion, then Wallace and Gromit at 10.30pm followed by Narnia at 12.30am. Slept through Wallace and Gromit and was very pissed about it. One moment I was following the crazy antics of the man and the dog and the next, the cinema just lit up and everyone was leaving the theatre, although I distinctively recalled seeing a giagantic watermelon in the show.

Got so fed up with the dozing off in the cinema that I downed a cup of black coffee, hoping to knock myself awake. Turned out, the effect of the coffee only kicked in about an hour later. I still managed to doze off during certain parts of Narnia, which was quite ok for me, not so pissed about it cos I already caught it the day before. But still..

And now its like 430am and I am very much wide awake! Damn it!!! my body is trembling and really tired but my eyes are wide awake. The mind is racing but cannot sleep. Caffeine overdose already..

*sweat*

Yummy!

Now these are what I call a true Christmas feast!

Christmas feast

Eelin was in a cab with me when she popped this question to me. "Have you been spending time with your family lately?"

That caught me by surprise a little. I wasn't expecting her to talk about my family and we were talking about some other stuff right before she asked me this question.

"Not really. Me, sis and bro always seem so busy with our stuff and bro is now in NS and that makes it even harder for us to spend time together."

In fact, come to think of it, its been like ages since my whole family had a dinner toether. I think the last time when all of us really sit down to have a meal, on no special occasion and like a normal family was when I was still in the Uni. Sheesh.. that was so looong....

Anyway.. I was in the shower washing the hair when something just struck me. Incidentally, has anyone noticed that washing hair really helps in thinking and creativity. I always am the most creative when I am washing my hair.

Back to my brilliant idea or at least it appear brillliant in my own opinion, I am going to plan a Christmas dinner for my family. The festive season just provided me with the right excuse for a feast, a true Christmas feast! Hell, I might even ask my bro to bring her girlfriend along too, and my sis to bring her boyfriend too..! Then again, that would just make me the odd one out eh. Dad with mum, sis and bro with their partners. (Gosh, I really am pathetic....)

I want to have some meat loaf, honey baked ham, mashed potato, Ceaser salad, mushroom soup, brownies etc. Yummy! And perhaps I might even go get some red wine too, just for the occasion..! What did I miss out?

Ok, more excuse to shop for food this weekend..

And by the way, Merry Christmas to all!

Christianity. Confusion.

Went a Christmas party with Eelin and her cell group last night. 2 of her cell groupmates very kindly loan out their newly bought apartment for the event. It was a very cosy setup, with the mellow lightings, light Christian songs, soft cushions and sofas, and the food was great, especially the fruit punch. I never know that mixing Sprite with watermelons can be so addictive. The only thing that I could complain about is the evening heat and the sparse room. The couple had just gotten married and there was a lack of items in the house, making it seem a little bare. The people there were very friendly, warm and cool, basically great people. I never for a moment felt like a stranger there for a minute although I must have been the only non-Christian there.

And yet, I feel weird. Actually, I felt like a hypocrite, attending a Christian gathering even though I wasn't one. I am sure Eelin and her friends certainly do not mind but still.. The thing is, she has always been hoping that I would convert into a Christian. The last thing that she told me when she left for Australia 4 years ago to further her studies was that she hoped that when she comes back, I would attend church with her. And now, 4 years later, I still have not accepted Christ.

I have always imagined that accpeting Christ is something that should be spectacular, nothing about fireworks but rather something deep, thought provoking and all. And yet, everytime I attend her church gatherings, my doubts about Christianity grow deeper. There was once I attended her cell group and her cell leader just pulled me apart with Eelin and talked to me about Christianity. In the end, I asked her so much questions that I felt bad about it. They were after all trying to help me gain enlightment, in the strictest sense of words. I was told that everything would only be clearer to me once I accepted Christ whole-heartedly and without questions and its only then I can feel how His love and understanding.

The thing is, Christianity has always intrigued me but I find a lot of their theory or their teachings flawed. There are still so many questions that are left unanswered. The first one being, if God created man and woman, then who created Him?

And yet, there were times when i certainly felt like talking to this higher entity for comfort. To seek solace and to ask him to take away my burdens and all. Times when I need someone to help answer my questions and to save me from all the uncertainties that I was facing. Times when I just needed someone to talk, to listen unquestioning to my ramblings, and most of all not judge me. These were times when I really felt like believing that there is actually a higher entity who will be there for me no matter what, just waiting for me to accept Him into my life and will help me through my problems. To put it in a better way, these were times when I wanted someone to save me.

I am so confused.

Shadow on the Sun

Once upon a time
I was on a mind to lay your burden down
And leave you where you stood
You believed I could
You’d seen it done before
I could read your thoughts
And tell you what you saw
And never say a word
But now that is gone
Over with and done
And never to return

I can tell you why
People die alone
I can tell you why
The shadow on the sun

Staring at the loss
Looking for the cause
And never really sure
Nothing but a hole
To live without a soul
And nothing to be learned

I can tell you why
People go insane
I can show you how
You could do the same
I can tell you why
The end will never come
I can tell you on
The shadow on the sun

Shapes of every size
Move behind my eyes
Doors inside my head
Bolted from within
Every drop of flame
Lights a candle in
Memory of the one
Who lived inside my skin

I can tell you why
People go insane
I can show you how
You could do the same
I can tell you why
The end will never come
I can tell you on
The shadow on the sun

Bye Poppy

Poppy just passed away today.

My sis gave her and Buddy away after Toto came to live with us. Everything was still ok until last night. Her friend said that Buddy was unsually noisy and kept screaming for the whole of the night. Even woke the neighbours up at some point. Then the next morning, she found Poppy's stiff body in the cage. As it turned out, Poppy was having difficulty laying eggs and died as a result. Buddy, being her mate, knew that something was very wrong and that she was in great pain. He was actually trying to catch our attention and yet we thought he was being naughty and making a nuisance of himself.

Poppy had always been laying eggs, perhaps its cos she and Buddy were so bored in their cage that they had nothing to do but to mate. On average, she would be laying about 2-3 eggs per couple of months. 6 of them actually hatched and the chicks are still healthy today, probably becoming parents today. When Poppy was pregnant, her belly would be so huge that she would literally be dragging along the floor and her temper would be really nasty. She would never let anyone of us touch her and would bite, most of the time drawing blood. She was one fiesty little birdie.

My sis cried out her eyeballs today. I am ashamed to say that I did not cry but rather felt a sense of loss. I bought Poppy when she was just a new born chick, feeding her in the middle of the night and making sure that she and Buddy would not go hungry. Although I seldom looked after them and leave the cleaning up to my sis, I am still attached to them in a way. And Poppy's death still left me with a weird sense of loss, not deep but still..

Bye Poppy.

I need relaxants

Ok, to update all the lovely people here who are concerned about me, I just went to see a doc for my chest problems. As expected, I was told to relax. I am too stressed up, and got an anxiety attack. Doc told me it was nothing and told me to take it easy, though I have no idea what the "it' he was referring to. But if the attack comes back again and become more frequent, I would have to go back to him and do an ECG or a lung test for my breathlessness, though he said its unlikely that it would happen since all my vital stats are a-ok and normal except for my cholesterol level.

Another thing to note is that I think the longer I stayed in the waiting area for the doc, the higher my stress level will go up. Kaoz.. There were babies screaming, aunties yakking, children playing etc. And seeing people who came later than me, yet wait a shorter time than me to see the doc just pushed my stress level up. Add to that is the incessant calls from office and customers on my mobile. At that rate, I might just got a heart attack on the spot.

Life for Rent

I haven't really ever found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize that once again I'm not in love
But it's not as if I mind
that your heart ain't exactly breaking

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

I've always thought
that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone
and live my life more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
Well how can I say I'm alive

If my life is for rent...

Roomie vs Lappie

My sis has this sudden impulse to redesign our bedroom, at my financial expenses of course. Well, actually she was suggesting that each of us fork out about $400 and she will redesign our room, including getting a new wardrobe. A huge one that will accomodate all our clothes, which will be quite an uphill task considering that both of us have an enormous amount of clothes and what-nots in our individual wardrobe, including some stuff which I never even know existed in my possession. The pains of being girls with spending power.. *swoons*

And she is complaining that our wardrobe is falling apart, not unexpected considering the amount of junk that we have been stuffing in them. So, she asked me early this morning if I would like to redsign our room. I was like "ok, fine by me." And then she asked me to fork out the $400!

"Wah! how come so much!?"

"No mah, you give me the money and I go get the wardrobe and then the rest of the money I use to buy racks and stuff like that to redesign our room lor."

"So much meh? I want to get a new Powerbook and you are asking me to take so much money out now.."

And so how folks? What do you think I should do, pay for the room first or the Powerbook?

So many wants and so little financial support.. Who wants to support me and sponsor my room? :D

Pessimism

"Emotionally retarded." I said in response to Emily with regards to her "emotionally slow" comment

'Yah, you got it. Thats the term I was looking for."

We were talking about how men seem to have this disability in expressing their emotions and being slow, very slow in knowing what we girls want. Rachel was nodding her head in agreement. All three of us ended up in laughter, having experience in some way or another frustration in getting men or boys to express what they want from us.

It would seem that everytime I met up with my girlfriends, I would get more and more pessimistic in affairs of the heart, love and stuff like that. Or just finding a lifetime partner in general. With my biological clock slowly ticking away, I am always being reminded of the fact that I might just really end up getting left on the bloody shelf, not that I care but when you are always being reminded in a not so subtle way by your relatives and colleagues, somehow or rather the frustration will set in, sooner or later. Read carefully here, its finding a lifetime partner, not marriage. Somehow, I still have this idea that marriage is quite a superficial thing. I do not believe that having a piece of certificate is enough to justify love, commitment yes, but certainly not love. Perhaps love encompasses commitment but definitely not the other way round. More like responsibility. And getting married requires more than love, it requires tolerance, endurance, patience and all that is required to make one sacrifice his or her freedom.

Anyway back to the main topic.

Why does men have this inability to express themselves? What on earth are they proving when they act cool and hide their emotions?? Especially when the marriage vows distinctively talks about sharing everything with the spouse. Lawrence has been slowly sinking into depression since his marriage with Emily. The both of them are always so happy together, always laughing together and always doing everything together, even on our gatherings. During their wedding, the thing that was firmly etched in my memory was the sight of Lawrence holding onto Emily's hand in the car, slowly caressing it as if to tell her that he is never going to let her go forever. I remembered smiling and experiencing something of a cross between happiness and envy at the same time. Happy cos they finally found their soulmates and envy cos I might never be able to enjoy such bliss in my lifetime.

And now, a year after they are married, Emily was telling us that they are having problems getting adjusted to living together. Lawrence refused to let her into his life, just basically shutting her out emotionally, accusing her of being unreasonable and yet refusing to explain why he felt that way. The arguments got so bad that he even threatened separating. And the worse thing is he refuses to talk about his problems.

It would seem like getting married is not such a good idea after all. Living together certainly takes more than love and familarity breeds contempt, like some kind of fungus, creeping in unknowingly. Before you know it, everything falls apart and then its over. And what are left will be anger, hurt and misery. Whats the point. And all because the man refused to talk, perhaps due to his pride or ego. I just don understand. Sigh..

On the sidenote about being pessimistic in finding a lifetime partner, its not a baseless foolish statement. R had just broken up with her boyfriend, S is still trying to get over the fact that her fiance got another girl pregnant, J's friend broke up with her boyfriend just when they were going to get married, C's boyfriend left her for his ex, D's boyfriend left her for something else which I forgot, I think it was for some other girls too. Who else did I miss out? Me? Hah, the most pathetic one..!

With so many broken relationships, I think I am just tired. Hell, who ever said that women are troubles! Men are just as much sickening too!

So you tell me, whats the point of getting into a relationship? Why invest so much emotions and time into something that is so vulnerable and then getting hurt. Its so predictable.

I think I am losing track of what I want to talk about. But you get what I mean.

Kiss the Rain

Hello
Can you hear me?
Am I gettin' through to you?
Hello
Is it late there?
There's a laughter on the line
Are you sure you're there alone?
Cause I'm tryin' to explain
Somethin's wrong
Ya just don't sound the same
Why don't you, why don't you
Go outside, go outside

Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever I'm gone, too long.
If your lips
Feel lonely and thirsty
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn.
Keep in mind
We're under the same skies
And the nights
As empty for me, as for you
If ya feel
You can't wait till mornin'
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain

Hello
Do you miss me?
I hear you say you do
But not the way I'm missin' you
What's new?
How's the weather?
Is it stormy where you are?
Cause I'm so close but it feels like you're so far
Oh would it mean anything
If you knew what I'm left imagining
In my mind, in my mind
Would you go, would you go
Kiss the rain
And you'd fall over me
Think of me, think of me, think of me, only me

Kiss the rain, kiss the rain
Kiss the rain, kiss the rain
Hello Can ya hear me? Can ya hear me? Can ya hear me?

Almost dead.

I think I must be suffering from some retribution. I must have been a very bad girl. Somehow or rather, I think I must have hurt someone else without knowing it and I am made to pay for my bad karma. For some reason, nothing ever seems to go smoothly in my life. Everything sucks and now my reputation has been ruined. I don even know why. I have never did what I was said to have done and I have never even hurt anyone and yet I was protrayed to be some slut, a witch who preys on men. I don even know that I was remotely capable of that!

I think I almost had a heart attack today. Literally. I was sitting on the bus on my way back home after getting some gastric medicine for my mum, her gastric problem is getting worse. And then halfway through the journey, my back felt numb. I had to close my eyes to let the sensation pass when I felt a sharp stab in my heart. I almost cried out loud in pain. It was real painful. After the pain passed, my entire left hand just went weak, limp and felt useless. I couldn't even clench a fist. I was exhausted after that. And now, I felt really breathless, really out of breathe. Am I dying?

No matter how much I hate my life, I still want to live. I may have been always talking about dying and stuff like that but the fact remains that I still have a lot of unfinished business that I have yet to do. Experiences that I want to enjoy, people I want to meet, people I want to love and places that I have yet to go. So many things yet to finish, so little time. The sky is the limit, and the globe is my playground which I have not finish playing and exploring.

Perhaps its time I reconsider my priorties and adjust my vision.

Most of all, perhaps its time I pay the doc a visit.

I need to rant

For some reason, I have been having a dull throbbing pain in my chest. I think its due to stress, the stress from my work but most of all stress of how other people's opinion are affecting me. Its really easy to say that one should now care about the opinions of other people but when it comes to the real thing, how many of you here are able to do that? I admit it, I am not strong, I care about how other think of me and my reputation too. I want to have a good image and be someone whom people respect and liked. To put it in a better way, I want to be accepted.

Lately however, I have came to know that my reputation is being tarnished. Someone whom I took to be a friend and whom I trusted enough to talk actually spilled the beans, my beans, in fact. I shall not go into details here but in the end, I was protrayed to be someone whom I am not. Surfice to say, I am very affected by these remarks. Sigh. As much as I want to say that I heck care these comments, I am actually very much bothered by it. In fact, bothered is the mildest of terms. I hated it.

I have never felt true hatred before and now I am able to taste it. Its sour and stings. It eats into you and before you know it, you are always thinking of ways in which you can take revenge, how the people who wronged you should die and how you want to take away all whom they loved so that they can suffer, suffer and pay for what they did to cause you to feel hatred. For the first time in my life, I actually felt it. I have never hated somone so damn much in my entire pathetic 25 years of existance.

If you are reading this, all the better, You know who you are. This entry is actually dedicated to you, to let you know how disgusted I am. I was in a very vexed, miserable state and I desperately need to talk. Unfortunately for me, you were there. I regretted meeting you and knowing you. I should have never tell you anything. Now, because of you, my reputation has been tarnished. You are a real fat bastard, literally. I hate you. I hated you more than anyone I have met. And to the loud-mouthed bitch who has been talking about me behind my back, fuck you. You can go to hell, you and your bloody family together. You are just an ignorant, rabid bitch who is always acting like some know-it-all saint. Fuck you, fuck you to hell, you belong to the scums in hell together with him. Both of you really deserved to be together. May you both pigs have heart attack and drop off from the face of this earth. I hate both of you.

I was naive and stupid and careless and this shall be a lesson for me, a hard and painful one but still a lesson no less. "Friends" come in many forms, some are really true and sincere and some are just bastards and bitches out to prey on people. I have been preyed on once and it shall be the last time. My trust shall not be that easily available. Once bitten, forever shy.

Fuck you both, the bastard who preyed and the bitch who barked. Fuck you both.

Idiots. Including me.

Of drugs and the death penalty

There has been quite a lot of outcry over the execution of Nguyen, the smuggler of 400g of heroin into Singapore and was sentenced to death. He was hanged yesterday, even after the Aussies made a lot of noises trying their darndest to get our government to spare the noose on him.

At first, I was nonchalant about all the hoo-has over these. To me, its just a simple clear cut case of him facing the consequences of his actions.

And then with all the hoo-hars that the Aussies created, calling us barbaric and what-nots, I just can't help but need to vent a little frustration here. To make it worse, some smart-ass made a comment in Decay's blog and made me rather mad.

What I had much difficulty understanding was why on earth was this single guy made out to be some kind of war hero? He must have been the first drug smuggler in history to have people observing a minute of silence and having bells to toll for him after his execution! Hes a drug smuggler for goodness sake! Drugs, something that destroy and kill! No matter that he gave the very lame excuse of wanting to help his twin brother pay his debts. To me, he should belong to the lowest rung of the society. He knew drugs destroy, having had a family member who is a drug addict and yet he was willling to distribute the very same substance to others, thus nudging them down the very same path that his brother had headed. And yet, people seem to think that he deserved a pat behing the back for "helping" his brother? I say, if he really wanted to help his brother, he would have sent his brother to a facility to clean him up.

Up till here, I must clarify that I am not for the death penalty. On the contrary, I am against it. Its cruel. I don belive killing will solve any problems, other than perhaps freeing up space in lockups. And there is always the fundamental issue of we, mere flesh, trying to play God. Who are we to have the right to take away the life of another human, no matter what sins they commited? I believe we don have that kind of authority, its too sacred to be trusted in us mere humans.

However, having said that, the law is the law and it must be obeyed. The whole purpose of making laws is to ensure that everything is in order, in their proper positions and in place. There should not be any compromises because if there is, then the very fundamental reason of creating the law will be undermined and the floodgate would be open. Granting clemency to Nguyen would only lead to two things. One, he will live, thus sending a message to potential smugglers that as long as they are foreigners, they might have a chance to escaping the gallows. Two, Singapore's sovereignty would be no more. We had bowed to foreign pressure.

Many argue that the death penalty is too harsh, too harsh for a crime like drug smuggling. A lot argued that death penalty is barbaric and inhumane. Its not right to kill someone cos he made a mistake. What about giving them chance? Then I shall say, don test our patience and our laws. Don do it if you don want to get the death penalty. That will prevent any human rights controversies from arising. No actions, no consequences and so no death! Simple as that. If however, you know the consequences yet went ahead to commit the act, then you just will have to face the consequences when caught. Our laws are not put there for show, they will be enacted. Like what Mr Howard said "Don't imagine for a moment that you can risk carrying drugs anywhere in Asia without suffering the most severe consequences."

At the end of the day, the whole hoo-ha about Nguyen's case is not about death penalty per se but rather a case of him facing the consequences of his actions. True, death penalty is barbaric but its our law, and we have every right to carry it out if you break the law in our land. When in Rome, do what the Romans do. Like what I told Crankyboy, the person who commented in Decay's blog, we will welcome foreigners to our land with open arms but take us for granted and come here and play punk and test our laws. We will not hesistate to implement them when they are being violated, regardless of whether you are a foreigner or not.

Split the child

And King Soloman said "Split the child into 2, let one half go to each mother."

Who is considered the true parent, the biological or the birth mother? The one who has never met the child but is genetically the creator of the child or the one who gave birth and raised the child since young but is not genetically link to the child? What if both also want the child? Which side would you stand for?

Law & Order: SVU return to our boring Channel 5 tonight and the first episode of the season was quite a mind-boggling one. Michele and Sarah went for in-vitro fertilisation at the same fertility clinic. The unsrupulous doctor planted Michele's fertilized embryos into Sarah without anyone's consent. 7 years later, Michele's only daughter died with her husband in a car accident. One fine day, she saw little Patty in a park and knew instinctively that Patty was her daughter. And the custody for Patty started. In the end, Michele loved Patty too much and let her go when she saw how the trial was affecting her emotionally.

And it turned out, Michele had 16 fertilized embryos and 4 were carried to term. Patty had siblings out there somewhere in the world.

Phew, I am still recovering from the show.......

"Racket down and back!"

Had my weekly tennis lesson yesterday and it was rather fun. If only I was able to hit the ball all the time, then it will be more fun... Yah, I seemed to have some problem hitting the balls.. Don laugh..

The thing is, there are very specific techniques to mastering tennis. Its not as simple as just holding the racket and then hitting the ball with it. Even holding the racket requires tactic too. Unlike badminton, which made use of a light and thin racket and the player only need to rely on the strength of the wrist to master the game well. Tennis, on the other hand, requires a heavier racket and a very much different set of rules all together.

Anyway........

My coach was getting rather exasperated with me cos I seemed to be avoiding the ball instead of rushing forward to hit it.. I am that stupid...

But once I managed to get the hang of it, it was actually very fun, and tiring, of course. I am so used to play with a badminton racket that I just need more time to get use to hitting with a tennis racket. Phew.. And the funny thing was that the more I played tennis, the more I would want to play badminton, how ironic is that..

Anyone game for a session of badminton? Its been ages since i held a badminton and sweat it out with a racket..!

Wherever you will go

So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone you'll need love to light the shadows on your face
If a greater wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Then between the sand and stone could you make it on your own.

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll find out
A way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you, through the darkest of your days
If a greater wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Well then I hope there's someone out there
who can bring me back to you

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go

Runaway with my heart
Runaway with my hope
Runaway with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind I'll stay with you for all of time

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go

If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go
I'll go wherever you will go

Unreasonable nonsense

I have no idea why I have such a hot-tempered family. Dad is hot-tempered, sis is hot-tempered, bro is hot-tempered, I am hot-tempered. In the event of any quarrels, no one wants to give in and all hell would break lose.

Dad has been getting more and more unreasonable. Having gotten woke up by Ozzie, he went and blasted at sis for having a dog. Whats new. And as usual, sis refused to give in. They are already not talking cos neither want to give in to each other, and a shouting match resulted. He complaining that Ozzie disturbed his sleep and he has to wake up early in the morning next day, she shouting that hes being unreasonable again.

If you really want to have enough sleep in order to wake up early in the morning, then go to bed instead of shouting at her lah! Bloody hell! Waste time shouting at her for fuck when you know she is not also going to give in?! You are in a bad mood and so want to use us to spend your anger?! Stupid bloody unreasonable idiot. Fucking stubborn and unreasonable.

The day I am financially stable enough to move out and live on my own shall be the day when I am out of all these fucking nonsenses. I have enough of your unreasonable hot-tempered tantrums. Don even blame us if all of us decided to move out and leave you alone.

I am evil and scary

My thoughts these days have been rather violent and scary. Its like my suppressed violent nature has been showing itself more often and its scaring me a little. Thoughts like humans getting squashed, getting run over by cars, squashed by containers, slammed between trucks etc. Thats not the worse. Sometimes, when I see a baby, I would imagine it getting hurt in some freak accident. This is so bloody scary.

The thing is, everyone of us have these scary thoughts but normally we would be able to surpress them, keep them at bay from your sanity and make sure that they will stay as thoughts, not actions. We may not be able to control our thoughts but we certainly can make sure that these thoughts are not being acted out. Make sure that reality is being separated from the imagination.

However, having said that, it would seem that my mind lately has been acting weirder and weirder. The rate at which I have been having these very violent and these scary thoughts are getting more and more. Sometimes, I would be terrified of how I am able to imagine these scenarios while during other times, I would be quite impassive towards them, as if I am dead, not affected by the images.

I think I am losing my sanity. Or perhaps I am becoming too imaginative. Or maybe I am just letting my surpressed violent self showing itself. Who knows, one day I might just end up hurting someone??

*evil laugh*

My Christmas Wish List

The season of giving and sharing is here and I have a list of items on my wish list..! Anyone wants to sponsor me these Christmas presents?

Ok, maybe not. But I am most definitely going to have them as soon as I receive my year end bonus. Cross my fingers and pray that its three months as predicted... *prays hard*

Wanted:
1) 12-inch Apple Powerbook

Anyone has any student discount to lend me? I am most likely to get this darling by next year Jan, if possible and if my finances allow me. In the meantime, I intend to sell away my faithful iBook. Any takers?

2) A new wallet

Its about time I changed my wallet or purse as what Eelin called it. Its a tad too large for my taste, I have no idea why on earth did I even get it in the first place.. Stupid. A Pierre Cardin one would be nice, though I would prefer it not to be black. Too boring!

3) iPod Nano

Perhaps if my finances really really allows it, this darling would be a definite yes. My poor iPod mini is so going to be obsolete.. Hmm, come to think of it, maybe its a good idea to just continue using my mini first..

4) A wall fan

The one in my room had spoiled and for the past week, I had been sleeping without a fan or an air-con. Fortunately, the weather these days had been quite cooling with a slight breeze cosntantly, otherwise, I might have to move to my living area to sleep on the floor at night..! This is one Christmas present that is a must..!

5) Another tattoo

Heh, this is so predictable of me!

Ok folks, this is my wish list for Christmas this year. Not that hard eh? Any takers? :D

Irritated

Eelin suddenly had an urge to binge, on fried chicken wings to be exact. Asked me out to join her after her cell group but that will be late. Figured that since I got nothing better to do for the night, might as well join her. Damn, I really should stay away from high cholestrol food..

Anway, worked late, came home and tried to get my bloody torrents to start to no avail. Had no idea what the hell was wrong with my router or modem or my stupid iBook. Idiot. Ended up toggling so many things that I got into a very bad mood. Frustrated the hell out of me.

And my parents started to irritate me. They nagged at me, as usual, asking why did I have to go out at such a late hour, who was I going with and what would we be doing, etc. The usual questions. Don't they ever get sick and tired of always asking the same bloody stupid irritating questions. I really had a good mind to tell them that I was meeting a man, going to spend the night with him in a hotel and would not be home for the night. Kaoz.. When will they ever learn to trust me. For goodness sake, I am capable of thinking and taking care of myself!

In the end, ignored them totally, changed and left the house, with my Dad complaining loudly to my Mum and my Mum shouting at my insolence and fucked-up attitude. Damn it. Its only a simple supper with Eelin and its not as if they never met her.

Then Eelin stayed overnight at my house. Mum and Dad were surprised that I came back so quick. For fuck sake, I had already told you people that I would take a short while! Sigh..

Don't your parents get into your? Mine really irritate the hell out of me and I am tired of all these. Damn, how do you ignore the people you love most? Reasoning, ignoring, shouting, quarrelling, arguing do not seem to work. Damn.

Life

The miracles of life, isn't it wondrous..? The meeting of 2 such tiny little cells and then a life is formed.

I was watching an episode of CSI earlier and it showed explicitly the process of how the sperm and the egg met and then viola! a baby is formed. Amazing and truly spectacular.. The first few stages of human life are so mystic and miraculous.

One of my colleagues was admitted to the hospital due to some complications in her pregnancy. Apparently, her baby wanted to come out earlier than predicted and freaked her out. Me and a few colleagues went to the hospital to visit her. There were actually 2 areas in the hospital, one wing was specifically designated for deliveries. Somehow, we lost our way and ended up in this wing. This was my first time looking at newborns, and by that, I meant babies who are just barely few days old, some still in the incubators or whatever you call those machines that suntan the babies cos they were borne prematurely. I was so amazed by the whole spectacle, although the first thing that came to my mind when I saw the babies were that they looked very wrinkled, like dried prunes.. heh..

And while visting my colleague, I put my hand on her swollen womb and felt her very bloated and pregnant womb. The whole sensation was just weird. It was neither soft nor wobbly as what I had always thought it to be. It was very hard and I actually felt some uneven edges, perhaps the baby inside was lying in an awkward position and thus the uneven edges on my colleague's tummy.

And so, tonight's CSI prompted me to write about the whole experience. Its amazing how humans are formed. How one earth does 2 single cells merged and create a new being, one with bones, legs, skin, eyes etc? Something so tiny that even the naked eye cannot see and yet have the potential to create something so alive? Its so mind-boggling..

Anyway, as me and my colleague were talking, I came to a conclusion that I would not want to have a baby. Call me chicken or call me selfish but I am not willling to be responsible for another life. Having a baby does not only encompass giving it life, it also involves bringing it up, providing for it and then making sure that it turn out alright. Physical pain is just superficial, I would be more afraid of being responsible for a healthy but crooked person than the physical pain of going through child birth. Besides, I doubt I have the ability to bring up and educate a child properly when I am not a saint myself..

That said, I would certainly want to have a child of my own when I am old and my maternal instinct kick in. Just as what someone once told me, children are the only way for us to live forever.

The man

He looked to be in his fifties and was in a pair of berms with an oversized denim shirt. He had a cap and a mustache. He was also holding a pink umbrella and he spoke perfect English.

"I was on my way to meet my wife in Bt Panjang and on my way there I had to collect my mother's medicine from a clinic. However, I have 2 problems. First, I have no idea what bus to take from Bt Batok to Bt Panjang. Second, I do not have enough cash to pay for my mother's medicine. Do you think you can help me there? Does bus 187 goes to Bt Panjang? And can you spare me some money for my mother's medicine?"

"Yes, you can take 187 to Bt Panjang. How much do you need?"

"The medicine cost $15 and I have a few dollars with me. Do you think you can spare me a few dollars?"

"$5 is all I can give you"

"That would be fine. Thanks. Do you live around here so I can return you the money?"

"Forget it. Its ok."

Throughout the whole conversation, he did not look at me in the eye and was forcusing on something behind me while he was talking to me. After giving him the $5, he scooted off quickly to the bus stop to catch his bus, without even thanking me properly.

I did not know if his story was true or he was just faking it but i gave him the 5 bucks that he wanted. Call me naive or stupid, but to me $5 was just that. Its little but at least it did help this man brighten his day. Perhaps, he really did not have enough cash for the medicine for his mum although it would be really interesting to know how old his mum was at his age cos he already looked to be in his fifities, or perhaps he was really assuming that I am a naive girl and was just out to bluff me but whatever the case, my $5 was enough to make him feel happy so why not? Besides, I had some spare cash and I was in a good mood to make some people's life happy. God knows how much happiness is lacking in our cold world!

Of DVDs, gums and custom

Its a warm night and I had been at home the whole day, just chilling out basically and watching movies, TV shows, freshly gotten.. Just don ask how I got it though.. ;) Its certainly been a long time since I got to watch the latest episodes of my favourite US TV shows. Phew. I think some of the developments in between were lost.

I also got a chance to watch the DVDs that I brought back from JB. Six titles but I only really wanted to watch one, Corpse Bride. Funny show, cool animation but too bad I did not watch it on the big screen. It would certainly be a cool movie to watch on the silver screen, with the fresh, bright colours and all.

Anyway, I was just thinking. How hard it was to bring illegal stuff to this tiny red dot without getting caught? I am not talking about bring bulks of banned stuff in of course but little quantity for self-enjoyment. Pirated DVDs, gums, (for the benefit of non-Singaporeans, our beloved government actually banned gums to keep our city clean and free of those disgusting spit gums) and cigarettes. Certainly, our custom is very strict when it comes to bringing stuff into Singapore but the fact is I let my bag through the x-ray thingy that they have at the custom checkpoint and I can bet that whatever I had inside my bag was very clear to the officer manning the machine but he did not even gave it a second look. The stuff that I brought in is enough to throw me behind bars though I strongly doubt they would care what I had inside my bag. The officer was more engrossed in checking out the facial expressions of the people going through the checkpoint.

On the one hand, I was selfishly glad that nothing happened to me when I brought the stuff back to Singapore but on the other, wouldn't it be a little risky to just let people through without checking their bags more throughly? What if some pyscho decided to bring in some bomb or something like that or what if some drug peddlers decided to bring in some coke or meth pills? Little by little so they would not get caught? And since the amount is small, they might just succeed in slipping through under the nose of our customs withouth them even noticing.

Whatever.. As long as I have my DVDs and gums and I am a happy little girl already..! :)

Love of the Common People

Living on free food tickets,
water in the milk from a hole in the roof
where the rain came through.
What can you do?
Tears from your little sister,
crying 'cause she doesn't have a dress without a patch
for the party to go.
But you know she'll get by

'cause she's living in the love of the common people,
smile's from the heart of a family man.
Daddy's gonna buy you a dream to cling to,
Mama's gonna love you just as much as she can
and she can.

It's a good thing you don't have a busfare,
it would fall thru' the hole in your pocket and you'd lose it
in the snow on the ground.
You got to walk into town to find a job.
Tryin' to keep your hands warm
when the hole in your shoe lets the snow come thru'
and chills you to the bone.
Now you'd better go home where it's warm,
where you can live in a love of the common people,
smile from the heart of a family man.
Daddy's gonna buy you a dream to cling to,
Mama's gonna love you just as much as she can
and she can.

Living on a dream ain't easy
but the closer the knit the tighter the fit
and the chills stay away.
Keeping 'em in stride for family pride.
You know that faith is in your foundation
and with a whole lot of love and a warm conversation
but don't forget to pray.
Making you strong were you belong
and we're living in the love of the common people,
smile's from the heart of a family man.
Daddy's gonna buy you a dream to cling to,
Mama's gonna love you just as much as she can
and she can.

Toto

DSC00292
Originally uploaded by blurfroggie.

Sister's parrot.

She is currently teaching Toto to meow while my mum is teaching her how to laugh.

And my dad is teaching Toto how to say my chinese name.

I bet Toto is really confused now.. Poor Toto

Stupid moderation

I just realized that I turned on the "comments moderation" function and as a result, whatever comments will not be shown unless I allowed it. Problem is, I have no idea when the hell I turned on the function!

Stupid stupid!!

Ok folks, sorry for this slight hiccup in posting your comments.. Keep them comin' please, I love to read your comments..!

Thanks to DK for telling me about this..!

Blurry blurry vision

Went back to JB for my eye examination today. DK was really sweet enough to accompany me there cos I just couldn't find anyone to go with me. I would have gone there myself if not for the fact that the eye examination would make my vision really blur cos of the eye drops to dilate my eye muscles which would restrict my pupils from contracting and as a result, my near vision would be really blur. I cannot even see the outlline of my palm when put right in front of my eyes. Everything has to be at least an arm's length away for me to see clearly.

As usual, Ah Beng and gang asked me to get some stuff from JB back. DVDs, cigarettes, gums etc. Aye, DVDs again.. The previous batch of DVDs that I brought back for them cost me someone dear. On the other hand, it was not a bad thing too cos the whole experience kinda made me stronger and more defensive, even though it hurt a lot.

Ok, enough of this crap.

The kind people at Optimax were very professional. Apparently, the slight short sightness that I am having now is caused by my cornea. However, the power is very low, 50 in my right eye and 75 in my left eye. I can undergo another operation to correct it but the chance of over-correction is very high due to the low power. In the event of over-correction, it would depend on my eye muscles to correct the over-correction. If however my eye muscles are not strong enough, I would be stuck with long-sightedness forever. Ultimately, there would be a 50-50% chance of having perfect vision. My test result would be passed to the doctor for review and he would advise me better after studying my case. Troublesome..!

After that, I brought DK to my favourite Japanese restaurant to have dinner. Pikachu!



Walked around a little after that and got my DVDs, a pack of cigs and 2 bars of gums, some cakes for my folks and then headed off home. Also managed to see a Cheverolet Corvette on display there. Cool car..!



As usual, there was a jam on the causeway. I hate going through the custom, esepecially the M'sia side. Its messy, slow, stuffy and the place is so crowded.

I am so glad that I am back on Spore soil once again. What a tiring day!

I need a gigantic plaster

"People who hurt us and are not repentant are not worth our time.'

I used to be very optimistic and believe that the true nature or humans are good. People do not want to hurt others for no reason cos most people are usually defensive, never offensive in treating others. I was naive, so damn naive. And I learnt my lesson the hard away. So hard that the wound cannot seem to heal properly cos for some twisted reason, I don want it to heal. I am that twisted.

And so it continues to hurt. The worst thing is, its not a physical pain. Skins may tear and bones may be broken but ultimately they are just physical pain. Its the emotional pain that hurts more. Emotions are not tangible, they are unseen and yet can be clearly felt, so much so that more often than not, its even worse than the physical pain.

Aye, I think I need a gigantic plaster to stick the wound back and prevent my itchy fingers from tearing the wound open again.

New Look

Was told that there was something wrong with the commments function of my blog so revamp it.

I like the new look!

Vision for loan?

I am in big trouble...

I have to go back to JB this Sat on 19 Nov to have another round of eye check up. Apparently, the specialist found out that my eyesight is still not perfect yet (no shit, Sherlock) and I will have to undergo another round of check-up to determine the cause of the imperfection. If its due to the thickness of the corneas, I would have to go through another round of Lasik, free this time. But if its due to the loose muscle of the eye, then there is nothing much Lasik can do.

The problem now is not so much of the operation but more of who will be able to go with me. During the test, the muscle of my eyeballs will be relaxed artificially, much like the first eye examination that I had the previous time. And I will be effectively blind, well almost, for the next day or two. And therein lies the problem. I need another set of eyeballs to help me orientate.

Conclusion: I need a companion to go with me. To be my sight. Otherwise I might just end up in KL instead of Spore at the end of the day.

Anyone willing to take pity on me and go with me? I am willing to pay for the transportation expenses, can even throw in a lunch or dinner meal if you really want...

Help!!

Mr Brown & his codes

What a roller coaster ride! Phew, a true adrenaline rush manz....!

I started reading this book only last evening and I had already finished this book about 10 mins earlier.. I even managed to go out shipping with CN in the afternoon but still managed to finish it within such a short time. I was hooked by the story and the fun I had with the codes inside, even though its not a lot..

And its really irritating that I can't seem to break the last one:

128-10-93-85-10-128-98-112-6-6-25-126-39-1-68-78

Clue: this is a Cesear's box code..

I can't wait to have Deception Point in my hands..!

Edit: Finally found the code. Its rather lame.. "We are watching you"

Fits the title but super lame lor!

Of novels and escapism

I love paperback fiction novels, and I would read whatever I could lay my hands or rather eyes on. Just letting my eyes run across the sentences that are poetically strung up by words. There is something so mystic and wonderful how a couple of words when put togther can take you far away into another world, the imaginery world that is conjured up entirely by the writer. Its just like seeing a huge screen in front of you and watching all these words turning into images and situations which one cannot even possibly even begin to fathom in reality. There were times when I actually prefer to read than to watch a movie and all who knows me will know that I love watching movies.

The first book that I ever laid my hands on was titled, "The Monkey's Tail" or something like that, by Enid Blyton. It had a hard purple cover and as expected, had a picture of a monkey on it. Mum gave it to me when she saw that I was amazed by the monkey on the cover. I plonked myself down in the living room and spent 2 hours devouring every little details of the stories inside the book. After that, there was no return, I was hooked. I can't stop reading.

For a while Enid Blyton and Roald Dahl were my constant companions. I just could not get enough of them. In school, the other kids were playing by the field or chatting during lunch while I was always sitting at the stairs or inside en empty classroom reading. As a result, I was kind of ostracised by the kids in school. I was loner, always with a book in my hands and just couldn't seem to fit into any groups. A weird bespectacled little girl who actually prefer reading to playing.

After that, Enid and Roald no longer satisfy my reading desires. They began to get childish or its just that I grew out of them. I moved from children books to Sidney Sheldon, Stephen King, David Eddings, Judie McNaught, Anne Rice, just to name a few. From fantasy to romance to adult themes to horrors, everything and anything I could get my hands on. I basically devoured them all. I read so much that my folks were afraid of me turning a nutcase cos I basically would shut myself out from reality when I read. In fact, I would ignore everything and concentrate so much on my books that I could finish a normal paperback in less than 2 hours.

Over the years, reading became my way of coping with reality. The truth is whenever I met any difficulties that I can't solve or met with any emotional problems that I can't cope, I would read. It has became my way of hiding and forgetting about the unfortunate issues that I met in real life. Its my way of seeking solace when things spiralled out of control. However, there were times when books no longer provide me a portal to the fictional world. These were times when things were getting so out of control that words no longer provide the much needed solace that I wanted. I effectively gave up on reading for the past 1 year or so. Somehow, fiction failed me.

Now, I resolved to go back to my favourite hobby. I want to take back control of my life again, no matter how boring it is. The fictional world is so much easier to control than the reality. Entering the dark world of physchological thrillers involving sick and twisted serial killers and forsensic science or journeying through imaginery flawless kingdoms occupied by mythical creatures are so much better than dealing with the hypocrisy that is so prevalent in the reality.

I am back to reading.. :)

Something atrocious

I was on leave today. Was intending to go down to touch up my tattoo or perhaps even extend the current one but was told by my tattooist that I would have to let the skin heal first cos the inner layer had still not heal fully so if I were to poke at the skin now, it would hurt like hell.. I actually did not mind and sort of insisted but the tattooist just refused to do it for me.. Damn.. Wasted trip...

And so I was loittering in town for a couple of hours trying my dardnest trying to figure out how the hell to spend my leave. Even comtemplated returning to office but did not really want to waste my leave. Bleah.. I got so bored and nothing seemed interesting to me. Somehow shopping alone when you were bored was really a bad, bad idea.. Damn...

And so I went home.. Bleah.. Tired, no tattoo, feet hurt from the heels. Heels are a torture when you are lugging a large bag of documents. (I went to a meeting in the morning).

Now I am in front of my iB again, trying to think of ways to spend my day. And then I saw SPG's blog and her pictures. Hmm, interesting.. I am in the mood for something atrocious.. Perhaps I might just emulate her and post pictures of myself here. Wearing nothing but I doubt the effect would be as good as hers, considering that hers were taken in a studio taken by a professional photographer. I have always wanted to pose in nude. Perhaps I might just go be a nude model! A fat nude model! Hah!

I am bored.. Taking leave with no purpose in mind is really a bad idea but hell, I am tired and I desperately need a break manz..

I think I am going to order pizza and stuff myself while reading a book.. Bleah..

I need more C

My confidence profile.. Not a very socially adaptable person..

(Thanks, Phillip for this questionnaire)

You are a person of integrity. You are not at your best in social situations – you might consider yourself to be shy – but you perform well in more formal settings and sometimes surprise your peers by your competence in making presentations.

You are able to deal with people at all levels and will hold to your beliefs even when challenged by a person of greater seniority or 'authority'. Your tenacity makes you a valuable member of society and a loyal friend, although you may sometimes feel that this is also a social handicap. You are frustrated when people with little integrity appear to be more popular, and might wonder why their weaknesses are not perceived more clearly.

Your social skills are relatively undeveloped. You have the capability to make great gains in your social skills. By utilising your natural intelligence, you can learn some of the techniques which others apply unconsciously; over time, these skills will bcome natural for you. The benefits to your social and romantic lives will be considerable. The key benefit to your working life will be a broadening of horizons, as you are considered for roles which previously had been denied to you. By enhancing your physical presence, you can also gain greater recognition from colleagues and from potential relationship partners.

Funny, but this was exactly what my boss said about me.. I need social skills..... Bleah...

Fallen.. so low..

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Sick, literally & metaphorically

I am sick, literally and metaphorically.

Sick physically cos I am having a sore throat and a little feverish. Again. Fuck.

Sick metaphorically cos I am tired, tired and sick of my life, waiting for something to happen everyday but nothing much seems to be happening. Sick of the dreadful and boring life that I am leading every single bloody day. Sick, sick, sick..

I think I am going to have another tattoo this Friday when I am on leave. To be more precise, I think I am going to extend the current one to my lower back, all the way to my butt. Or maybe I am going to tattoo my ankle. Or how about a long one extending from my calf to my ankle. Or maybe in the near future, I hope, when I have really toned up my tummy, I am going to have a navel ring.

Funny how it seems like only self-inflicted, or rather self-bought pain can make me feel alive. Literally.

Or its just cos pain is addictive.

Big bear

Its funny how sometimes when the person you least expected will sail right back into your life..

I have not talked to Tobi for the longest period of time. Its either cos of my busy schedule or due to the time differences between Germany and Singapore but whatever the case, its been so long since I talked to him. Too damn bloody long..!!!

Tobi is one of the sweetest guy I have ever know. Hes a real friendly bear and I have always enjoy talking to him. I have yet to meet another guy who is like him, there is just something really warm about him, something which I cannot find words here to describe.. Just something warm and nice.

We used to be able to talk to each other for the longest period of time. I even stayed up until the wee hours of the night just to chat with him. We sent gifts to each other on each other's birthday and he even made videos of his hometown to me. I still have them by the way. I love the winter scenes of the woods. If I ever have the chance I would definitetly go there to freeze my butt! Heh heh, thats a funny thought... And then there was that time when I even phoned him, all the way to Germany. I think I blew like 15 bucks over the half-an-hour phone call! I still remembered how we were a little shy and a little awkward when we talked over the phone for the first time..! We can still do that again right!? :D

Ok, big bear, the next time I am going to Europe, I will appoint you to be my official guide! You better make my trip worthwhile or I am so going to kick your butt!! :D

Moonlight Shadow

The last that ever she saw him
Carried away by a moonlight shadow
He passed on worried and warning
Carried away by a moonlight shadow.
Lost in a river last saturday night
Far away on the other side.
He was caught in the middle of a desperate fight
And she couldn't find how to push through

The trees that whisper in the evening
Carried away by a moonlight shadow
Sing a song of sorrow and grieving
Carried away by a moonlight shadow
All she saw was a silhouette of a gun
Far away on the other side.
He was shot six times by a man on the run
And she couldn't find how to push through

I stay
I pray
I see you in heaven far away
I stay
I pray
I see you in heaven one day

Four am in the morning
Carried away by a moonlight shadow
I watched your vision forming
Carried away by a moonlight shadow
Star was light in a silvery night
Far away on the other side
Will you come to talk to me this night
But she couldn't find how to push through

I stay
I pray
I see you in heaven far away
I stay
I pray
I see you in heaven one day

Far away on the other side.

Caught in the middle of a hundred and five

The night was heavy but the air was alive
But she couldn't find how to push through


Such merry tune, such sad words...

Misunderstood turtle

Poor turtle of mine, you are so misunderstood.. Some thought you were a stingray, some thought you looked like a bat while others thought you were a butterfly. And the horror when some told me you looked like a certain part of the woman's anatomy! Oh dear...

Perhaps to save all the confusion, I should just tattoo "turtle at home" under you!

Just kidding..

I think I am going to name my turtle. Its part of my body now too and calling it turtle just does not seem right..! Whoever in the world calls part of their body turtle, as funny as that sounds!

Anyone got any bright ideas? Some suggestions would be nice. I am looking for some unique names, nothing too corny or horny here please, cos I am already too corny and horny already. Thank you. :D

Urine or smoke?

Saw this at Johnny Two-Thumbs today.. Cool and attitude, I like!

So, the next time anyone want to smoke when they are in my company, better think twice cos I might just piss on their head... !

Tattoo!

The end thing
Originally uploaded by blurfroggie.

I did it, I finally went ahead and got a tattoo! Painful though!

Its been the longest time since I wanted to get one and everytime, me and Constance always managed to find some excuses to put off. Actually, not excuses, more like setbacks. Its either financial issues or we can't find the designs that we like or the locations that we want to place the tattoo.

And then last week, that woman jio me out and said shes going ahead to do it. Good idea cos I am really tired of postponing it. And so today, we were in the hands of 2 scary tattooists at Johnny Two-Thumbs and were drawn! Heh, funny way to describe it though..

The ordeal was not as traumatising as thought though.. It was like having a sharp needle scrapping a picture on your bare skin. Initially, I was so scared that I clenched Eelin's hands so tight but after a while, I think my skin turned numb so its tolerable. By the way, the needle was actually slightly longer than my palm and it was a lucky thing that I only got to look at it after my "ordeal".. Sweat.. I had mine at my lower back while Cons had hers at her lower tummy. Both of us were poorer by 200 bucks after that.. That was actually more painful than the physical pain siah...

Our skin are still very raw and we bled a little too. Its quite large. Cons' design stretch all the way down to her lower abdomen while mine is wide stretched across my lower back. .

Perhaps I might just add some more extension my tattoo and enlarge the whole picture..! I love it!

Meow

Meow
Originally uploaded by blurfroggie.

Meow Meow, one of the Tham family's baby. She is really unpredictable. One moment, she can be purring at you and then the next, she will be hissing and scratching at you.

A chio bu though!

Story of a Sex Worker

I don know if this is real or its a make-up. But if its real, I really admire Shirley for her courage..

The Beginning

Be Strong

When she was very young, she was already feeling very angry. Her father passed away when she was barely out of her childhood and although she did not really spend much time with him, she still missed him a lot. To support the family, her mum was always working. The sacrifice that she had to make was to let both her children be taken care of by their granny and in order to make up for that, she let them have all the material comforts that they wanted. As a result, she did not have much parental guidance. She felt confused and angry, or it was just a case of wanting for attention.

During her secondary school days, she turned rebellious. She got mixed up with the wrong kind of people and created a lot of trouble. She picked up lots of bad habits and was always out until the wee hours of the morning. Although her mum was very concerned, there wasn't much she could do. Her daughter just refused to get involve with her, perhaps blaming her mum for everything indirectly.

Ironically, it was also her mum who made her turn over a new leaf. She introduced Christianity to her. I still remembered her telling me how boring and irritating it was when her mum pestered her to go church. It was also perhaps due to the fact that her best friend is a Christian that she agreed to join the church, albeit reluctantly. Things began to change for the better and she became a better person. She lost weight and became a very beautiful young lady. Its like she totally transformed, physically and emotionally. Her anger at everything slowly became duller and duller until it got extinguished, finally.

When she turned 20, she met a man. This year marked their fourth year and they even made plans to get married. In fact, 30th Sep 2005 was supposed to be their engagement day. They brought the rings, got an apartment and stuff like that. She was truly very happy.

Then came the bombshell. Her soon-to-be fiance told her that he got another girl pregnant and he had to take responsibility for what he did. It broke her heart. It was her first serious relationship and she loved the man alot even though she has no lack of suitors. It was like her world came tumbling down on her at her pinnacle of happiness. Its so unfair.

Now, there is nothing much she can do other than to let time do its wonderful job of healing. She is strong and I believe that she will survive. She has to.

Take care and be strong, my dear friend.

The I-look-like-a-lobster day.

This was the sun that I was under the whole afternoon..











These were the cars that had to be accounted for..



This was the burning gravel ground that i was walking on the whole afternoon..

Now, I look and feel very much like an overcooked lobster... I hate stock take days..

What do I want?

Wannabe Sugarbaby just sums up my feelings here:

I Don't Know What I Want

"The journey is fun but I'm going nowhere fast.
Today I tried to think of things that made me happy and I had a difficult time doing so.
I came up with; candles, sweets, shiny things, summer, sex and a few other tangibles.
What do I want?
I don't know.
From a man, from a friend, from a career, from life, I'm clueless.
I have no short term goals and therefore NO FOCUS.
No wonder I'm floundering. I need to figure out how I'm going to get to where I want to go.."

So Cheap....

Thats how much my blog is worth...

My blog is worth $3,387.24.
How much is your blog worth?

Kinda cheapo but still, if only its real money...!

Hantu! Hantu!

I am in the mood for some ghost stories and what better time to talk about such time when Halloween is around the corner!

Bear in mind though the stuff that I will be talking about are from personal experiences. I did not fake them and neither did I exaggerate the stories.. So those of you who can't stomach horror stuff, do not read..

You had been warned...

(2nd warning: long post ahead..)

My sister has the ability to see ghosts, spirits or whatever you call the unnatural sightings. The first time we know about her special or cursed capability was when she tagged along with my mum to burn joss paper during the Chinese Seventh Month. My mum was happily burning "money" when my sis, she was like 8 or 9 years old during that time, suddenly tugged at her shirt and asked her to move away from where she was standing. My mum was pissed and curious at the same time cos she distinctly told my sis not to talk while she was doing her stuff. So she scolded my sis but sis told her, "Mummy, move away! There is a very tall man standing beside you and he want to eat the food on the ground! He is really tall!" Of course mum couldn't see anyone near her at that time.

That was the time when my parents found out that sis has this cursed ability..

Fast foward to today, sis had already became used to seeing strange beings suddenly. Of course there were times when she got afraid but most of the time she would just keep quiet when she bumped into such stuff. And there were times when she would just freak me out. Especially when it happened at home.

Me and her were watching TV late one night. I still remembered that it was showing Charmed on a Wed night at 10pm. It was nearing 11pm at that time and all my folks were sound asleep except for me and her. We were in the living room and I was sitting near the balcony. There was a potted plant beside me. She was at my side. We were positioned in such a way that I would have to turn my body to the right to face the TV while she was facing the box directly. The cabinet holding the TV has glass doors and we would be able to see the reflection of the dinning room behind us while facing the TV. Suddenly I saw something wearing white moved behind my sis and went into the kitchen. Thinking that it was my dad to get a drink in the kitchen cos he is always in a white shirt at home, I did not give it a 2nd thought. However after a while, I began to have second thoughts about my dad being thirsty cos he seemed to be taking a long time. So I asked sis, "Did pa just went into the kitchen?"

She said, "Nope."

"Then, who was that in white who just went into the kitchen?!"

"Didn't you see him? He was standing beside you all along. Hes not actually in white, he was in a light blue top and the material is like those that you would find on a towel."

I was like, "Fuck! And you only tell me now!?" Although I did not exclaim out loud cos I was still trying to maintain my cool.. Even though I was freaking out inside.. After the show, both of us hurrily turned off the TV and went to bed, locking our bedroom door..

Next.

Anyone standing at my main door would be able to see my bedroom and my bed directly and the passage that leads to my parent's room.



The door facing you belongs to my parents' room and the second door on the left side is my room with the toilet facing us. You can see the foot of my bed. I took this picture while in the living room near the main door, so you can see how anyone entering out house is able to see my room directly and a tiny part of my bed.

There was a time when sis just came home and I was halfway in the shower. She waited for me to come out and then she asked a strange question, especially when I was alone at home the whole day and there were no one other than the 2 of us at that time.

"jie, did you just go into the toilet when I opened the front door?"

"No, I was inside the shower for like 15mins already, before you even came home."

Then came the freaky part..

"I just saw someone rose from your bed and went to the shower when I just stepped into the house.."

"Wah lau! Can you stop telling me what you see all the time can or not?!"

After that comment, I always feel very uneasy when I went to sleep on my bed...

Next story is about my own experience..

I was staying up really late at night, chatting with a friend online. It was like 4am in the morning. I had my earphone plugged in and was typing on my iB. My back was facing my bed and my sis was sound asleep on the upper deck of my bed. We have double decker bed.

Then I heard loud sighs coming from behind me. Considering that my volume was turned up rather high, I thought my ears were playing tricks on me. Then the sighs kept coming and my curiousty was aroused. I took off my earphone and turned around, thinking that my sis was snoring. The silence of the night.. Plugged in my earphones again and after a while, the sighs came again. Took off my earphones and turned around to look at my sis to ask her to shut up and all was silent again. This happened for the third time when I realized something was freakingly wrong.. Freaky hell.. And so I offed my iB, jumped into bed and pulled the covers over me in record time.. Perhaps, I was real tired but I actually fell asleep immediately..

There were still a couple more of interesting stories but I think these are enough for now. I happened to be typing alone in my room. Although, its brightly lit and the door is opened with all my folks still awake, its still rather scary... So much so that I kept turning my head behind me to take a look..

Sweat..

To be continued....

Accident

This accident happened in front of my office today. A blue car was trying to overtake the trailer and miscalculated the speed of the trailer, causing the trailer to jam-brake suddenly. As a result the pipes on the trailer just slided in front.

Surprisingly, no one was hurt in the accident, not even the driver of the trailer.

So you drivers out there, remember to be careful while driving. Do not speed, especially not during wet days. The risks are not worth it. Imagine if both the drivers were underneath the pipes..

Pent-up anger

Does anyone know if lack of water will cause one to be very angry?

Lately I seem to be feeling angry all the time. Its like I want to get involved into quarrels and any little thing would just tilt the cauldron over and then all the boiling lava will flow out. And I have this feeling that everyone around me are purposely doing things to spite me, to make me more angry.

And my chest hurts all the time. My pulse is like running so fast that I get breatheless all the time and I will have to sigh, causing my colleague to think that I was facing some problems at work. When in actual fact, its cos I was feeling really breatheless and I need to take deep breathes.

The only reason that I can think of is that I don drink enough water in a day. In fact, there were days when I don even drink plain water AT ALL.

Or perhaps I am just getting abnormal pyschologically?

Who knows, one day I might just drop dead from a severe heart attack and the next time anyone sees me would be in a coffin..

Of Jinxes & crashes

Today was a field day, everything does not seem to go smoothly.. Sigh.. And I think Porsches just do not like me at all. All shipments revolving Porsche cars have always gone badly and everything just screwed up on me.

This time its not 1 but 2 Porsches. They were shipped out for some stupid exhibition and now they are coming back. The problem is that the customer is one impatient woman. The 2 containers just arrived last night and today she was screaming for the cars to be cleared out. And the worst thing was she did not even provide us with complete sets of documents for us to clear for her.. Eunis was like so caught in between her and the Custom.

Then the worst thing was when everything was finalised with Custom and we were going to proceed to declare the necessary permits for these 2 cars, our system crashed..! All data gone just like that and for the whole afternoon, the whole company cannot use it. All of us were like ants on a firehill, panicking like hell.

First, the system in the office crashed on me. And then Safari decided to crash on me too. Everytime I tried to access Blogger, Safari just crashed. Damn.

Sex, love, virginity, marriage.

Why is a woman expected to stay a virgin while there are no such expectations on a man? Society does have its twisted imposition of opinions on woman and the way she should live. Its just so sick and twisted. You have movies like "The 40 year old virgin" making fun of men who are virgins when they are old and yet you have corny jokes talking about woman who have not been fucked before and the usual negative connonations that come with it. And yet there is always this underlying implications that come with girls who are not virgins but who are not married. And most of the connonations that come with it are usually negative.

I am just so sick and tired of all the comments about how hard its to find a virgin girl in our society. Most of the comments made by guys who are not virgins themselves or worse, who like to play the field. On the contrary, I know of a lot of girls who are still virgins. Its just a matter of coming out of the closet for them.

What confused me deeply is the ideas and emphasis that people place on virginity. There really is too much emphasis on the big V. Advocates of post-marital sex would always give the reason that one should reserve the special moment of fucking the first time until their wedding night. And when you ask them how special, most of the time, its just a simple "Its just special." So I ask, whats so special?

I am not an open person and yet I am not naive too. If you can tell me how special that special is, I would concede defeat. Just make me understand how special it is to fuck for the first time on the wedding night? And how special it is if the 2 person getting married are virgins and have to confront sex for the first time, creating so much awkwardness as a result. You get my point?

And I emphasized that I am not a loose person and neither am I a feminist in saying what I am saying here. In fact, I am anti-feminism. Its just that I find it really unfair for the society to impose their ideas and expectations on women to stay a virgin until they are married and yet if they are still a virgin when they are old, not married, they will be laughed at. At the other end of the spectrum, men are expected to lose their virginity as soon as they are "mature" enough to understand how humans mate, otherwise they will be considered lame, pun intended.

Men have needs, so do women. Society often forgets that. Sex is only sex, its how one priorities sex and love that matters. If sex is only so superficial while love is supposed to be something deep, then it does not really matter if one is a virgin until one get married. In the end, its the heart that really matters and the feelings that go with having sex. The emotional feelings, not the physical ones.