Pessimism

"Emotionally retarded." I said in response to Emily with regards to her "emotionally slow" comment

'Yah, you got it. Thats the term I was looking for."

We were talking about how men seem to have this disability in expressing their emotions and being slow, very slow in knowing what we girls want. Rachel was nodding her head in agreement. All three of us ended up in laughter, having experience in some way or another frustration in getting men or boys to express what they want from us.

It would seem that everytime I met up with my girlfriends, I would get more and more pessimistic in affairs of the heart, love and stuff like that. Or just finding a lifetime partner in general. With my biological clock slowly ticking away, I am always being reminded of the fact that I might just really end up getting left on the bloody shelf, not that I care but when you are always being reminded in a not so subtle way by your relatives and colleagues, somehow or rather the frustration will set in, sooner or later. Read carefully here, its finding a lifetime partner, not marriage. Somehow, I still have this idea that marriage is quite a superficial thing. I do not believe that having a piece of certificate is enough to justify love, commitment yes, but certainly not love. Perhaps love encompasses commitment but definitely not the other way round. More like responsibility. And getting married requires more than love, it requires tolerance, endurance, patience and all that is required to make one sacrifice his or her freedom.

Anyway back to the main topic.

Why does men have this inability to express themselves? What on earth are they proving when they act cool and hide their emotions?? Especially when the marriage vows distinctively talks about sharing everything with the spouse. Lawrence has been slowly sinking into depression since his marriage with Emily. The both of them are always so happy together, always laughing together and always doing everything together, even on our gatherings. During their wedding, the thing that was firmly etched in my memory was the sight of Lawrence holding onto Emily's hand in the car, slowly caressing it as if to tell her that he is never going to let her go forever. I remembered smiling and experiencing something of a cross between happiness and envy at the same time. Happy cos they finally found their soulmates and envy cos I might never be able to enjoy such bliss in my lifetime.

And now, a year after they are married, Emily was telling us that they are having problems getting adjusted to living together. Lawrence refused to let her into his life, just basically shutting her out emotionally, accusing her of being unreasonable and yet refusing to explain why he felt that way. The arguments got so bad that he even threatened separating. And the worse thing is he refuses to talk about his problems.

It would seem like getting married is not such a good idea after all. Living together certainly takes more than love and familarity breeds contempt, like some kind of fungus, creeping in unknowingly. Before you know it, everything falls apart and then its over. And what are left will be anger, hurt and misery. Whats the point. And all because the man refused to talk, perhaps due to his pride or ego. I just don understand. Sigh..

On the sidenote about being pessimistic in finding a lifetime partner, its not a baseless foolish statement. R had just broken up with her boyfriend, S is still trying to get over the fact that her fiance got another girl pregnant, J's friend broke up with her boyfriend just when they were going to get married, C's boyfriend left her for his ex, D's boyfriend left her for something else which I forgot, I think it was for some other girls too. Who else did I miss out? Me? Hah, the most pathetic one..!

With so many broken relationships, I think I am just tired. Hell, who ever said that women are troubles! Men are just as much sickening too!

So you tell me, whats the point of getting into a relationship? Why invest so much emotions and time into something that is so vulnerable and then getting hurt. Its so predictable.

I think I am losing track of what I want to talk about. But you get what I mean.