Went a Christmas party with Eelin and her cell group last night. 2 of her cell groupmates very kindly loan out their newly bought apartment for the event. It was a very cosy setup, with the mellow lightings, light Christian songs, soft cushions and sofas, and the food was great, especially the fruit punch. I never know that mixing Sprite with watermelons can be so addictive. The only thing that I could complain about is the evening heat and the sparse room. The couple had just gotten married and there was a lack of items in the house, making it seem a little bare. The people there were very friendly, warm and cool, basically great people. I never for a moment felt like a stranger there for a minute although I must have been the only non-Christian there.
And yet, I feel weird. Actually, I felt like a hypocrite, attending a Christian gathering even though I wasn't one. I am sure Eelin and her friends certainly do not mind but still.. The thing is, she has always been hoping that I would convert into a Christian. The last thing that she told me when she left for Australia 4 years ago to further her studies was that she hoped that when she comes back, I would attend church with her. And now, 4 years later, I still have not accepted Christ.
I have always imagined that accpeting Christ is something that should be spectacular, nothing about fireworks but rather something deep, thought provoking and all. And yet, everytime I attend her church gatherings, my doubts about Christianity grow deeper. There was once I attended her cell group and her cell leader just pulled me apart with Eelin and talked to me about Christianity. In the end, I asked her so much questions that I felt bad about it. They were after all trying to help me gain enlightment, in the strictest sense of words. I was told that everything would only be clearer to me once I accepted Christ whole-heartedly and without questions and its only then I can feel how His love and understanding.
The thing is, Christianity has always intrigued me but I find a lot of their theory or their teachings flawed. There are still so many questions that are left unanswered. The first one being, if God created man and woman, then who created Him?
And yet, there were times when i certainly felt like talking to this higher entity for comfort. To seek solace and to ask him to take away my burdens and all. Times when I need someone to help answer my questions and to save me from all the uncertainties that I was facing. Times when I just needed someone to talk, to listen unquestioning to my ramblings, and most of all not judge me. These were times when I really felt like believing that there is actually a higher entity who will be there for me no matter what, just waiting for me to accept Him into my life and will help me through my problems. To put it in a better way, these were times when I wanted someone to save me.
I am so confused.