Of molestations and XiaXue

I have been reading Xiaxue's blog for a while. In the beginning, I find her loud and obnoxious, one who is always swearing to get what she wants and one who is a thinks too highly of herself.

However, after exploring her site more and reading more into detail about her life, I find her a normal young girl at heart. One who is not afraid of speaking her mind and letting others know her thoughts, even though it offends others. And most of all, one who dares to stand up for herself and for her friends.

Her accounts of her being molested was a good read, not just on the weird kinds of MAN that exist but also on how she managed to stand up against these perverts.

I think most girls have one time of another been in a situation where MAN took advantage of them before. I believe I speak for them when I said the experience will make you feel disgusted and dirty and most of all angry. And yet, generally the most common reaction would be that of a forget-about-it kind of attitude cos its kind of embarrassing to make a fuss. There is also the fear of being accused that you are over reacting and it was just a simple accident.

I was in a number of such situations before. The youngest was when I was in primary school, probably about 10 years old. I had just started to develop breasts and because they are not obvious enough, I wasn't wearing any bra. I was at a swimming pool, waiting for my swimming lessons to commence when this middle aged man happened to slip and fall. His hands conveniently pressed onto my breasts, one hand on each breasts. I was flabbergasted, I mean I was young, not knowing what to do and he was so much bigger than me after all. Besides, he did seem like he had a real fall. He apologized and loiter around me. The nerve of him! Scared, I ran to my mum and told her. She ran out to confront that pervert but he was already gone.

Yucks.

Next incident. Common scenario. On the bus. I was sitting down and this man was beside me. He was sleeping soundly and also conveniently, his head nodded and rest conveniently on my chest, almost touching me. Anytime the bus jerked, his head would have rest comfortably on my breasts. Fucking sick bastard. Pardon the strong language cos I am still pissed when I think back now. Luckily, the bus reached my stop and I stood up. He looked up and looked irritated that the pair of bosoms that will soon to be his pillows were gone.

And then there was this time when I was sitting at the inner seat on a bus (again), and this old man was sleeping (again) beside me. The longer he slept, the nearer he would lean towards me and then his hands would just sort of fell onto my laps. I was trying my darnest to move inside and he was trying his darnest to lean onto me. Until finally, I stood up and sat behind him. Surprises and surprises he woke up and came to sit beside me again! Until this nice lady told me to sit beside her cos she witnessed the whole scene and apparently, according to her, she said she always noticed this old man trying the same trick quite a number of times.

There were some more incidents when I was taken advantage of. Brushing of my breasts, rubbing the dick on my thighs/butts, rubbing of shoulders, leaning closely towards me and intruding my private space etc, you name it.

Perverts are everywhere and like XX said, we should stand up for ourselves. Do not ever let yourself be shortchanged cos you are the only person to defend yourself. Let no one intrude your body. Most of all, respect yourself.

For this, I take my hat off XX. I admired her courage and respect her for saying what we should all be doing.

Life is beautiful?

In the morning, i feel the breeze
The sun watches over me
The sound of water, the crashing sea
Is it only me, that feels alive
Its all ahead on me, cos it feels so right

Just open your eyes and see

That life is beautiful, so beautiful
Its beautiful to me
That life is beautiful, so beautiful
Its beautiful to me

Life can take anywhere
You don't know where it leads you
But you know you not alone
Just open your eyes and see

That life is beautiful, so beautiful
Its beautiful to me
That life is beautiful, so beautiful
Its beautiful to me

(Thank you, Paddy for sending me this song)

Is life really beautiful?
I did not see the sun, I did not feel the breeze, I did not see the crashing sea.
All I can see are the disappointments in life, the complications of human interactions, the anger and frustration of being let down and the dissatisfactions of being misunderstood.

Perhaps my vision is clouded.

Or perhaps not.

Sometimes when you expect too much, your disappointment is greater.

A friend stood me up today. And another friend disappoint me today.

The year of 2006 is leaving in a few hours. The year of 2007 is at our back door. The new year ushers in new hopes and new dreams. I hope this year shall be a better one than the past. I hope this year I will be more clear headed, more wise and more strong. I need all these to survive. I must survive. Life is a bitch in the ass sometimes and she will bite you in the ass if you are not smart or not tough enough to handle her.

Sometimes when you are disappointed too many times, you tend to get very defensive and very morbid. Perhaps its a kind of survival instinct.

Bite first before you get bitten.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday
Make a wish

Please accept my apologies, I wonder what would have been.
Would you have been a little angel or an angel of sin?
Tom-boy running around, hanging with all the guys.
Or a little tough boy with beautiful brown eyes.
I paid for the murder before they determined the sex,
choosing our life over your life meant your death.
And you never got a change to even open your eyes,
sometimes I wonder as a fetus if you fought for your life.

Would you have been a little genius? In love with math?
Would you have played in your school clothes and made me mad?
Would you have been a little rapper like your poppa The Piper?
Would you have made me quit smoking by finding one of my lighters?
I wonder about your skin tone and shape of your nose,
and the way you would've laughed and talked fast or slow.
I think about it every year, so I picked up a pen.

Happy birthday, I love you whoever you would've been

Happy Birthday
What I thought was a dream
Make a wish
Was as real as it seemed
I made a mistake

I got a million excuses, as to why you died.
And other people got their own reasons for homicide.
Who's to say it would've worked and who's to say I wouldn't have
I was young and struggling, but old enough to be a dad.
The fear of being my father has never disappeared,
I ponder it frequently while I was sippin' on my beer.
My vision of a family was artificial and fake
so what it came time to create, I made a mistake.
But now you got a little brother, maybe it's really you.
Maybe you really forgave us knowing we were confused.
Maybe, every time that he smiles, it's you proudly
knwing that your father's doing the right thing now.
I'll never tell a woman what to do with her body
but if she don't love children, then we can't party.

Happy Birthday, I love you whoever you would've been.
Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday
What I thought was a dream
Make a wish
Was as real as it seemed
I made a mistake

And from the Heavens to the womb to the Heavens again.
From the ending to the ending, never got to begin.
Maybe one day we can meet face to face,
in a place without time and space.

Happy Birthday.

Merry Chirstmas!

Merry Chirstmas everyone!

And a Happy New Year! May the new year usher in your wishes and make them come true!

Of love and expressions of love

Magic is when 2 persons from different parts of location met and then sparks fly. It is when the 2 persons know that they are going to spend the rest of their lives together as one whole entity. Such is what we mere mortals call love. It has the power to fulfil, the power to heal and ironically, it also has the power to hurt, to break and to destroy.

I attended a friend's wedding today. The couple looked so happy together, they may not be very incompatible in terms of height or in terms of education or even in terms of family background. And yet, they are such a heavenly match. Most of all, they love each other so much. Love does not need to be seen from extravagances, it is readily seen from little actions and thoughts too. Actions like the groom pulling the bride's hands, the groom helping the bride to take her stuff, the bride wiping the beads of perspiration from the groom's forehead.

They looked so happy together.

I saw many expressions of love today. An uncle helping his wife to take food and asking her if she is alright. A young man rubbing the arm of his girlfriend when she was hugging herself. A bride worrying about if her groom has had his dinner amidst all the preparations for their wedding. Little expressions like this are more touching and heartwarming than extravaggant expressions of love.

A couple of people asked me today, "when shall be your turn to get married then?"

Seriously, I don really know how to answer their question. How am I going to answer them when I myself don even know the answer? Besides how am I going to tell them painful truth?

I will have to attend another wedding next week again. And then another 2 again next year.

I am tired. I have no idea if I can still withstand the emotional price that comes with seeing all these expressions of love. I really really don want to spend another afternoon coped up in my room crying again.

You will never know

Problems, when you do not tackle them will just remain as problems. It is only when you have the solutions to tackle and solve your problems, then will they be destroyed.

However, sometimes there are no easy solutions around. I wish there were. I really wish there were. Problems, no matter what kind will tend to eat into you and pull you into an abyss of never ending state of sorriness.

Somehow I wish things could have been different. That I was at the wrong time and at the wrong moment. That during that faithful day, I did not stay up late or that I did not post a blog entry. Things are so weird sometimes. You never really know that what you do now, no matter how minute would lead to larger consequences.

Rain pours like never ending sorrow, coldness seeps like there is no tomorrow.

I care about your sorrow and I wanna know your sorrow. Every time you are cold, I feel a lot colder than you.

It hurts like hell for your heart feels like its being gutted by dagger.

And every time you feels that way, I feel a lot worse than you.

Its just that you will never know.

Person of the Year award

Oh Wow! I have been named the Person of the Year in Times magazine!

I would like to thank my parents, thank my friends, thank my aunties, thank my uncles, thank my sister, thank my brothers. I would like to thank my fans for reading about me and giving me this chance for contributing to the world. Thank you everyone!

Now, back to reality.... Shit...

Angst or simply boredom?

I really wonder what is really the enjoyment in scribbling things that only you yourself can understand in an enclosed room; a toilet.

Looking at the scribblings, they are all done by kids, students, our children. Is this the product of our education or is this the fault of the parents? Who gets the blame? How about the children themselves? Ultimately they made the choice to destroy public property, should we put the fault on them or should we blame the adults?

This was taken at the toilet on the first level of West Mall. The toilets there have been vandalized so many times that the management there have kinda given up on washing it, choosing to repaint the walls instead. The original colour of the toilet walls were yellow, instead of dark green. Perhaps dark green paint is a cheaper paint?

Someone please tell me what is the joy and enjoyment in hiding in a dark and stinky toilet cubicle and drawing and scribbling words and phrases that only the scribblers can understand? I thought the whole idea of using a public toilet is to finish your business as fast as you can and then get the hell out cos its a dirty and germ/bacteria filled place? Why waste time there showing your creativity there when there are other better places for one to do that??

Sigh..

Of Sukiyaki and wet market

I was at a Japanese restaurant along Siglap Road last weekend when I overhead the following conversation. It went something like this:

"Boy, you are eating Japanese food now. Next year, mummy shall bring you to Japan to eat their Japanese food ok."

I turned my head my right and there was this happy family having their dinner. On the table was an assortment of Japanese food. In fact, the table was packed with food. Some of them had actually spilled out onto the table top actually. There was a rather pretty lady with her hubby sitting beside her. On her right was a baby in a baby chair. Facing them were their children, a pair of boy and girl, less than 10 years of age.

And then I turned to my right. There was another family. And extended family this time. There was the a kid too and all the rest were adults. The kid looked also to be less than 10 years old.

At the far end of the restaurant, there was another happy family eating. There was a father and a mother with their boy and girl, also less than 10 years old.

In fact, everywhere I looked, almost all the patrons in the restaurants are families having their dinner. Me and my friend are the only non family there.

Back to the first family. I was thinking, "These people must be rich. Come to such a restaurant to having dinner and ordered so much food! That meal on the left alone must have cost like $200 plus I think! Singaporeans are definitely getting richer!

When I was younger, my parents never really brought us out for meals. Two simple reasons. First, nothing is healthier than eating at home. Second, we could never afford. My father was the sole breadwinner and he was a blue collar worker. My mum had to stay home and sew clothes to bring the 3 of us up. Dinner everyday was a simple meal consisting of 2 dishes and a soup at home. Holidays were spent at home watching TVs during the weekdays, whatever shows that was on and then cartoons during the weekends. Sometimes, father would bring us whole family out for an evening out at the nearby NTUC to get groceries for the week. McDonald's was once in a super purple moon. (Come to think of it, I cannot recall my parents bring us to McDonald's for a meal!) Toys for us kids were bought from the nearby market place and I have always enjoyed going with my mother to the wet market when I was younger cos that would meant that I might have a chance to get her to buy me toys.

I wonder if those kids in the Japanese restaurants ever stepped into a wet market with its slippery floor, its dirty and smelly chicken cages with live chickens inside and sweaty uncles and aunties shouting and blabbering in dialects. Or have they ever played at the local playground with the sand, getting all sweaty and dirty? Or seeing their father worked his ass off, sometimes 24 hours a day, all through the night and then coming back home, pissed and dirty cos he was bullied by his supervisor? Or seeing their mother sewed clothes until late in the night just to earn that few hundreds and then feeling overjoyed when her earnings for that month hit a record high of $300?

I really wonder......

Anyway, just some pictures of the stuff that I had. The Japanese restaurant do serve up a mean dish of beef Sukiyaki though....

Casino Royale 007%

He does not look as charming though...

Choices again

Jerry is the manager of a restaurant. He is always in a good mood. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would always reply:

"If I were any better, I would be twins!"

Many of the waiters at his restaurant quit their jobs when he changed jobs, so they could follow him around from restaurant to restaurant. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was always there, telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made people curious, so one day someone went up to Jerry and asked him：

"No one can be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, I have two choices today. I can choose to be in a good mood or I can choose to be in a bad mood. I always choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I always choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I always choose the positive side of life."

"Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. It's your choice how you live your life."

Several years later, Jerry accidentally did something you are never supposed to do in the restaurant business. He left the back door of his restaurant open. In the morning, he was robbed by three armed men.

While Jerry was trying to open the safe box, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found quickly and rushed to the hospital. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.

Six weeks later, Jerry was up and running. When people asked about his health, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Want to see my scars?" When people asked about what he was thinking while being robbed, he replied, "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door,"

"Then, after they shot me, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or could choose to die. I chose to live."

Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the Emergency Room and I saw the expression on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'He's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take action."

"There was a big nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything."

'Yes,' I replied.

The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Please operate on me as if I am alive, not dead'.

Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude.

Every day you have the choice to either enjoy your life or to hate it. The only thing that is truly yours -- that no one can control or take from you is your attitude, so if you can take care of that, everything else in life becomes much easier.

I finally managed to go Vivo City today. Its huge, its humongous..!

It kinda reminds me of a cross between Mid Valley and KLCC in Kuala Lumpur.

I went to the cinema there, GV Max and apparently its one of the largest screen in Asia, as told by CN, to which I asked, how is anyone able to say its one of the largest when there are tons of cinemas in Asia. I mean, Asia is the largest continent and there are so many countries in there so how can a cinema in little Singapore claimed to be one of the largest?! And to which CN replied, "One of, the emphasis is on 'One of'."

Anyway, there is even a watered walkway on the highest level, which by the way is only level 3. The place is large cos it spreads out far. The watered walkway is just a long and wide and shallow pool which spans the center portion of the highest level. There were a number of kids waddling in the pool and some adults walking inside with their kids too. I was quite impressed with it, its rather unique and creative, though someone should do something to the colour of the tiles in the pool. Its a light shade of beige and it made the pool water looked muddy. A turquoise or blue or green colour would be so much better.

The day I permed my hair

I went to perm my hair today.

It took so long. I think I entered the salon at about 1pm and only exited from the place at about 4pm. My hair was pulled, stretched, curled, blown dry and cut. Besides all these, I have lots of chemicals dumped on it too.

And the whole process set me back by $273.

It was money well spent though.

The first thing that my mum said when she saw me was that you look so pretty, so different, so like a bride. Now, that really helps to cheer me up manz..!

I think I looked so much better than before. My hair has much more volume now and with my fading colouring of my hair, I think I kinda looked a little like a Japanese porn starlet. Minus the figure though. Heh!

Crazy coke and mentos!

I have realized

I am moving out. Period.

My switch for the adaptor of my lappie was near my window. Every night I would sleep with the window open and last night was no different.

I finished surfing the internet and was preparing to go to bed. I walked towards to the switch to turn off the power. My sis was sleeping on the floor underneath the front of the window with her dog as usual. (For the life of me, I just cannot understand why on earth would she want to sleep on the floor with a dog. I really don't. I mean you can say that she loves her dog but sleeping with a dog?! Even my friends who are animal lovers find that a little ridiculous too.)

Anyway, I was walking towards the switch in the dark and tripped over my sister's leg. I fell forward and pressed on the window in front of me, except the window panes were pushed outwards. There were no grilles on the window. My left hand shot out and I fell forward further. It was a lucky thing my right hand found the metal side of the windows and stopped my fell.

Otherwise, I would have fell 14 levels down.

Mr patience is really running low on her. First, the birds who are always screeching every hours of the days, and now the dog. Its not as if bringing the dog into my room is enough, she has to sleep with it. As with all dogs, they have a stench. Its useless to brush their teeth or bathe them, they just have a distinct doggie stench. And my room is always filled with the stench every single morning cos we close the door when we sleep and the smell just got stuck in the room.

And then there is her problem of her sleeping on the floor with her dog. One of these days, I am really going to fall 14 levels down to my death if she continues doing that.

I really have it. This is my house too and yet I do not seem to have a say over how I can live inside. I admit I am not a big fan of birds and dogs, I prefer cats. But its the idea that I have to live everyday in an environment that I hate. My bedroom is filled with a doggie stench and I have to live with birds screeching every single day.

I am really going to live out on my own. I seriously have it with my sister and her crazy infatuations with animals. This is my home too, I want to live a life of my own. I want peace and quiet when I am home during the weekends without any birds screeching and a room without a doggie stench. I ain't animal, I am human and I want a place fit to live for humans.

I am moving out. Period.

What kind of kiss do you have?

You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss that never lessens and always blows your partner away like the first time.
Take this quiz!

Heh, I sure do hope that I kiss this well!

一知半解

You know, sometimes being careful when you are dealing with a language that you know nuts about is a very wise thing to do, especially when you want to carve out a word on your body.

Someone should really tell this fellow what his tattoo means...

From 一知半解

Anyway, I found this while surfing around looking for tattoo designs. I finally found a place to tattoo. I want something that shall stretch from my upper back, over my shoulder and stop just above my left breast. Something like a large phoenix or some exotic abstract design. Something that is shocking and beautiful. Something like this.

Man, this shall cost me a bomb...... Anyone wants to sponsor my Christmas present??

Would you make a pact for it?

First question:

What is the thing that you desire most in the world? Something that you have always wanted and yet have never been able to get it. Something like luck, like power, like fame, like wealth? Or perhaps something intangible like being a great writer, a great musician, a great painter or a great philanthropist? It can also be in the form of someone whom you desire, the girl of your dreams, the girl who you have always wanted and yet have not been able to win her heart.

Second question:

What would you give for it? Would you give your soul for it? Would you make a pact with the devil to get it?

I am sick

You know something was not right when you woke up in the middle of the night with a dry and sore throat. Your body, limbs and torso hurt like hell and you were breaking out in cold sweat. You felt hot and cold at the same time. One moment, you were perspiring like mad and then the next you shivered with cold and gotta cover yourself with a thick blanket.

And when the morning broke, you felt like dying. Although it felt a lot better after a shower, you still had a bad throat and it felt so prickly.

Throughout the meeting, you were coughing and sniffing all the time. Then your throat felt so dry and salty. In the air con room, you shivered and when you got out, you were feeling so hot and warm that you were perspiring all the time. Back in the air con room, you felt really cold again. Even the toilet felt like a freezer.

Your body started to heat up and now you feel the onset of a headache. And your body is aching all over. Dinner tasted like shitty cardboard and your throat is starting to hurt real bad.

Now I am wondering if I can still go Sentosa tomorrow...

Where do I leave my Private Emotions tonight?

Every endless night has a dawning day
Every darkest sky has a shining ray
And it shines on you, baby can't you see
You're the only one, who can shine for me

It's a private emotion that fills you tonight
And a silence falls between us
As the shadows steal the light

And where ever you may find it
Where ever it may lead
Let your private emotion come to me

When your soul is tired and your heart is weak
Do you think of love as a one way street
Well it runs both ways, open up your eyes
Can't you see me here, how can you deny

It's a private emotion that fills you tonight
And a silence falls between us
As the shadows steal the light

And where ever you may find it
Where ever it may lead
Let your private emotion come to me

Every endless night has a dawning day
Every darkest sky has a shining ray
It takes a lot to laugh as your tears go by
But you can find me here till your tears run dry

It's a private emotion that fills you tonight
And a silence falls between us
As the shadows steal the light

And where ever you may find it
Where ever it may lead

Let your private emotion come to me

Come to me

I just don't want to miss you tonight

Someone once told me that this is a very good breakup song, I wonder if this song applies to me at the moment as well.

2 interesting features about this song:
a) Title of the song is Iris and yet there is no mention of the name in the song
b) This song shares my name and yet I hate it and love it at the same time.

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

My most embarrassed fall ever.

I went to the gym earlier. I already said I am serious and determined about getting of Big Martha, she had already overstayed her welcome and I cannot wait to rid her off.

Anyway, the first thing I did was to cycle non stop for 20 minutes.

Then I hit the running track, immediately after my cycle. When I said immediately, I meant hopped-from-the-bicycle-to-the-running-track kinda immediate. The 2 machines were just beside each other.

After the 20 minutes of running, my legs were rather wobbly. I was trying hard to steady myself on the still moving track.

But my legs were too tired and too jellylike to support me and Big Martha.

I stopped.

The track did not stop.

The inevitable happened.

It was slip, fell and got thrown off the track. Me, Big Martha and all.

Before going on about my adventures, I would like to remind you sick readers here who by now must be laughing at my mishap that it was late evening and the peak hour for working people to hit the gym after their work. There were like 20 or 30 people in the small gym. With the ceiling to floor mirrors, every one can see every one.

All activities in the room ceased.

I stood up and walked slowly to the toilet like it was the most natural thing to get thrown off the running track.

All pairs of eyes seem to follow me on my way to the toilet.

I went past a muscular man with the largest pair of biceps that I ever seen and he wanted to help me to the toilet. I waved him off with a laugh and said I was alright.

My butt was hurting like hell.

Sometimes I really wonder in self-amazement on my clumsiness.

His awkward situation

I was with my big boss at the Motor Show on last Thursday and we were strolling along, having a great visual feast on the cars and the girls. There weren't many people there yet cos the show had not officially started.

Suddenly, the boss remarked with a seemingly non-approving tone, "Look at that girl, so young already got tattoo." I looked and there it was, rather large and at the girl's smaller back.

I was a little put off by his tone, so I said, "Erm, whats wrong with having a tattoo, I also have one."

He was a little taken back and went, "Oh really! You too!"

After that, nothing much interesting happened, other than him teasing me whenever he could about my tattoo. The point is, I think I kinda put him in an awkward position with his remark.

Last night, during a drinking session with 1 of our customers, he was teasing my boss about how pretty young female graduates would not want to work under him.

And so I said," Hmm, I felt insulted."

He went, "Oh no! I wasn't referring to the current girls working under him! I was talking about the freshies!" And then he toasted me as a form of apology of sorts.

It only struck me earlier that I kinda put my boss in an awkward situation twice.

Me go girl!

You know something, I think I have had it of being sad and moody and angry all the time. Bloody hell, I have really had it man! I mean, the more I read my blog, the foolish-er I feel! My gawd, I am like wallowing in my own self-pity shit all the time!

My new year resolution for the new year shall be as followed:

1) Relax, be happy and take it easy
2) Get a driving license
3) Get over my past
4) Focus on my career
5) Get a credit card!

You go girl!

Or perhaps I should say, me go girl!

Being alone

Being alone in a room, in the house to be exact just isn't exactly a normal way to spend one's weekend. The only things I have for companion is my laptop, my walls, my headphone and the Internet.

I would really love to have some human interactions, a chat, a talk, a hug. Just some form of indications that I am wanted, that I am loved, that I am needed.

I think I am so dull inside that I don feel anything, nothing at all, no tears, no feelings, just a dull acceptance of what was to come. I don even feel anger at all and neither do I even feel pain now. I guess this is perhaps the worst form of pain? Just as well.

On second thoughts, I think I rather prefer to live alone in my room. I am too tired of human relationships. In fact, I am too tired for anything else. No one bothers about me anyway.

Its funny but being sad actually makes me alive and makes my literary juices flow. So ironic. So pathetic.

最近

你最近不说话
怎麽了 为什麽
是不是有什麽事让你不快乐

听说你最近很孤单
有点乱 有点慌
可是我却不能够在你的身旁

你想要的
我却不能够给你我全部
我能给的
却又不是你想要拥有的

我们不适合也不想认输
好几次我们抱着彼此都是想要哭
你常解释这样的一切都只是开始
我觉得是所有的一切早就已结束
不想再约束
不要再痛苦
下一次会有更好的情路

爱 我却不能给你我全部
我能给的
却又不是你想要拥有的
我们不适合也不想认输
好几次我们抱着彼此都是想要哭

你常解释这样的一切都只是开始
我觉得是所有的一切早就已结束
不想再约束
不要再痛苦
下一次会有更好的情路
这一次我们都能很幸福

Journey to nowhere (2)

Some views on my way to my gym workout yesterday.

The first one is actually of a tiny little lizard or chameleon who was suntanning itself on a piece of concrete. Try and see if you can notice the happy little bugger..

The Heart Attack Burger!

Would any of you dare the try this mother of all burgers!?

Its called the Triple Bypass Burger - you are gonna need a triple heart bypass after you try it!

In case you are wondering, its calories hits 8000..!!!

From the Heart Attack Grill in Tempe, Arizona

Apparently they have antagonized some real nurses due to the notti nurse-wears that the waitresses wear.

Singapore Motor Show 2006

And this is my most favorite picture of all..

My bus journey

I once read a story about a girl and a bus that she was taking. Its a journey with a very, very long duration, one that will last her an entire lifetime.

I was reminded of this story when I recalled my own bus journey.

I was very young when I got onto the bus. I was very scared cos I was very alone. There was no one to guide me what I should do or how I should react on the journey.

Then the bus made a stop. Another girl came up the bus. She was my age and she looked really pretty. She came and sat beside me. We began to chat. And chat and chat. We promised each other that we will always remain as best friends. Sometimes we would get into arguments and sometimes we would get into cold wars but ultimately we would always end up being alright in the end. We were the bestest of friends.

And then her stop came. She waved her goodbyes and skipped down the steps. And she was gone like that. She did turn her head back to give me a last look before running off but after that she never looked back. I was sad. My best friend had already forgotten me. But I moved on, and continued my bus journey.

I was alone for a while, in my thoughts, having learned a new lesson in life.

The bus made another stop again. This time a young boy came in the bus. He saw me and smile at me. I was struck at once by his goofy grin. He was tall, much taller than me and had very broad and muscular shoulders. He came over and sat beside me. We talked and talked and never seemed to run out of topic to talk. Soon he began to hold my hands and hug me. I love the way he smelled and the way he talked. And the way he kissed. It was so sweet. I thought this time it will definitely be different from my best friend. I thought this young man would sit beside me permanently.

Alas, after a while, his hug was more and more distant, his kisses no longer as sweet, his conversation less warm. I no longer find him as warm as before. After a while I find his presence irksome and began to hope that he would get off his seat and get off the bus. I got what I wished and this young man arrived at his stop and he hopped down the bus, leaving his lingering scent on his seat, and went on his journey, never even giving me a second glance.

I picked up yet another lesson in life.

Suddenly, the bus came to another stop. This time however there were a large group of people, all of them about my age. They were very loud and cheerful. I like the way they talked and the way they played. They saw me and waved at me, coming over to my seat. They crowd around me and talked to me. I enjoyed their presence a lot. I know these are the people who will never let me down and whom I can count on forever if I were to need their help.

But this group of people also had their own journey to proceed. One by one they arrived at their stops and got off the bus. They left their contacts with me, making me promise to call them should I need any help. I smiled sadly and nodded. Their presence left a bittersweet taste in my mouth. I was alone once more.

And then the bus stopped again. This time a man came up the bus. I saw him and liked the way he walked so I waved him over, asking him to come over and sit with me. He smiled and came over. We talked, we chatted, we touched, we kissed and we hugged. We never ran out of topics to talk and we help each other with our problems. However, there were always the incessant arguments that we always seem to get into. It was after a while when the man said he could not tolerate me anymore and he stomped off the bus. I was left alone wondering what exactly had happened.

For a while I just stared out of the window, looking for the man, hoping that he would look back and explained to me what went on but it was not meant to be. He never looked back.

I was left alone again.

Suddenly, the bus opened its doors and the same man came in and sat beside me. I was amazed at his return. We were at our happiest again, talking and chatting again. This time we were more tolerant of each other though. But as before, we continued to quarrel and before long, the man stomped off the bus again. This time however, I was already prepared, though funnily enough, I still felt an aching inside. It seemed like however much preparation, there would always be a kind of dull ache whenever you are left alone.

And so I was once again left alone. On my bus journey, on an empty bus, wondering who will be coming up my bus. Another young girl or a young boy or a group of cheerful people or the man who made me angry and yet happy all the time?

Perhaps it would be better if I were left alone.

Help

Its so painful, why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to be made to go through this again?

Why do you have to do this to me? What did I do wrong?

How do I get rid of the pain? Its so suffocating, please someone tell me.

It ended

The first time it happened, I was left with a daze, amazed that it happened so fast. I never really comprehend what exactly happened that can make someone so close to me so angry with me.

Then he came back. It was a weird return. I never thought he would return to my life again. It was with a much heavy heart that I accepted it cos I already know what was going to be the consequences. And yet I accepted it.

The second time it happened, I was left with a heavy heart, a very heavy heart. I guess I have already been preparing for it to happened.

And now I am left with a very empty feeling again. I felt like a puppet sometimes, always being manipulated.

Its at times like these that I really hated myself for being so weak.

The Crime Library

I took leave today, to clear my mind as well as to take a break. I wasn't feeling quite well for the past couple of weeks, emotionally as well as physically. Perhaps its due to the hormone pills that I was taking. I think I lost some weight too, don know for sure cos I never weigh myself but my pants are definitely looser. Thats perhaps the only good thing that comes out of it since I started on the pill.

So now here I am, on a humid afternoon surfing on my laptop since the morning. My mobile was silent, thankfully, cos I am not dealing with operations anymore. Thank God for that..

I went through tons of sites, interesting ones and boring ones, read through dozens of blogs about the lives of people, some really interesting and some really mundane.

I think the one site which affected me the most is the Crime Library. It showcase the hideous nature of human, the stuff that mothers tell to their kids to scare them shitless when they are naughty and the stuff that most people would rather not talk about it just to appear normal.

Spent a large portion of the afternoon reading through the pages of the crimes that appear during history. Its scary how humans are actually capable of such sadistic acts. On the upside however, its also amazing how the law enforcers are able to deal with what they do, how they actually are able to still be normal when faced with evil. Its like reading CSI, Law & Order or NYPD, the reality version.

Ok, back to more sadistic activities of our society.

Which would you choose?

The best kind of love is one which sets you free, one which allows you to breathe.

The worse kind of hate is one which does not affect you anymore, one which is so strong that in the end, you don even feel anything anymore.

The worse kind of betrayal is one which you move on without word.

The worse kind of feeling is when you are feeling the worse kind of hatred, towards yourself.

Which would you choose?

The Orochi

T'was the first time we imported such a funny looking car. Everyone in the yard was having fun and driving it around. The car was rather fragile and was not meant to be driven. Its a prototype meant for the Motor Show 2006. Apparently, I was told that there will be 5 race queens show casing the car.

Look nice, feels cool but not a powerful car though. Believe it or not, its only a V6 and the engine is from Toyota.









It looked like this when it just came out from the container.









Beside the Orochi, there were 2 other models. All looking like cars out of some 60s movies.









I love the black one best. Sure head-turner if you drive it out.. And the interior is so comfortable that you can just live in it.

Simple things

Perhaps I should try to separate myself from my emotions. I am getting too emotional these days, perhaps its my hormones working up, or perhaps its just cos i have too much on my mind, my work, my personal life. Everything seem to be a big chunk of mess. How the hell did I ever let myself get into this situation?

Sometimes I just think I have became 2 very different person, one; the quiet and simple one, doing what was expected of me all the time and the other; a very demanding and bitchy girl who expect others perform according to her childish wants.

Sometimes I think I am not ready to grow up at all. Sometimes I feel that I am just a little girl stuck in this woman's body. And it feels suffocating, the responsibilities are too heavy, the environment is just too chaotic and the people are just too complicated. Everyone seem to have their own agenda.

Why couldn't things just be as simple as possible?

Mr Tomato

My mum bought me this huge tomato pillow a couple of weeks back. T'was only today that I realized that I've actually got a friend who is known as Mr Tomato. Heh!

So Mr Tomato, is this one of your long lost relatives?? :D

Tattoo again?

I feel like getting another tattoo for some reason. Guess I finally know how Cons felt when she went for it the second time.

If I were to really go get another tattoo, this time it shall be a huge one. Perhaps a huge one on my back extending to my side. Then again, I need to make sure that I have enough funds in my savings first.

And its gonna be a colored one this time. Cons was suggesting that I get a mermaid which will covered half of my entire back. I was thinking thats not a bad idea. I still have the whole of my back left to tattoo

Gym attack!

Mission: Tummy Shrinking

Action: Short run to the gym, then vigorous workout

Result: Tummy did not seem to shrink but felt very refreshed though very tired. Limps were numb and tired. Felt like the whole body was stomped by an elephant.

Satisfaction level: Overall satisfied

Saw some cute yellow flowers along the pathway. Took pictures to prove that I did go for a workout.

Ramblings

Lately, I do not feel like laughing. I laughed a lot, I laughed easily but for some reason, I do not feel like laughing somehow.

Its the kind of feeling tat you have when you feel dead inside, like nothings is gonna matter at all. Nothing you do is ever right and nothing you don do is ever wrong too. Its kinda confusing actually but my point is, I am not laughing. Most of the time. And this is something which I thought I had gone through and never wanted to go through again.

Alas, I was wrong.

Most people would give up their lives to save another's life. Well, at least unselfish people would.
But the most courageous people are not the ones who would do that. The most courageous ones are those who has to choose if they are willing to give up the lives of others to save other lives. These are the people who are willing to bear the burden of making choices. Choose who to live and who to die to save others. These are the courageous whose burden is so heavy that it make all other responsibilities and burden so minute. These are the brave ones.

My parents are on a short holiday trip to Genting. Its my mum's first time out of this island and she was very excited about it for the whole week. Already started packing her stuff since Monday. Its kinda funny and rather silly but I feel as if my own children are out for a trip and I worried for my parents as if one would worry for their children. Perhaps the time has come for us to switch roles!

Due to my parents being out, and due to me not willing to endure the doggy smell in my room, I have decided to sleep in their room tonight and tomorrow night. I am having a room with a queen size bed and a toilet to myself!

I am now typing in my parents' room. The air is breezy, the night is silent and the heart is tired. So are my eyes. Already drooping.

What a wonderful way to spend my Sat today!

Something is not right

Which is better? To love or to be loved?

Its funny how such things work sometimes.

I was told by someone that as long as you are happy in a relationship, then nothing else matters. The most important is to be happy.

But what if you are happy and yet the other party is not? Would you rather hide the unhappiness and only concentrate on what makes you happy in the relationship? And at the same time ignore what is making the other party unhappy? Is there such a thing as only having the happiness of a relationship and leave the unhappiness aside? Can one really have a happy-only relationship?

Something is not right.

Its weird how one can actually feel so much for someone who hurt him and yet feel nothing for someone who cares for him.

And its weird to know that you have done so much and yet nothing seem to go according your way. Its like living in a dream. Somehow, somewhere, someday, you gotta wake up from your dream and face the reality. Why do people like to deceive themselves so much?

At the end of the day, does it really matter if you are happy? When all that ever seem to happen is that you are just gotta be alone and heartbroken?

I feel like tearing out my heart and throw it away. It serves no purpose when you are alive and yet do not want to feel alive. I feel very cold.

A wise cab driver

This came at a time when I needed it the most.

"There would always be someone out there who is better off or worse off than you are. You live in a 5 room HDB flat, there would be someone out there who lives in a condo. And yet there will be someone who lives in a 1 room HDB flat. You spent $20 on a meal in a normal restaurant, there would be someone who can only afford to spend $2 on a pack of chicken rice at the hawker center and yet there would be another person who will not think twice to spend $200 on a upmarket posh restaurant. You look this way, there would be someone who is prettier than you, a model and yet there would be someone with defects on her face or body.

Never compare, you will always be better off or worse off than someone else in this world. Be satisfied, be happy with what you have. You have a perfectly healthy body, you have the ability to work, you are smart and you have the power to change and better your life. And yet know that whatever you have at this moment will definitely change in the future. No one stays static, know that your life experiences will change when each minute of your life passes by you. With a constantly changing life experiences, your expectations and your mentality will change as well."

All this from a cab driver who seem to know what I was going through at this period of time.

Shattered love

I gave you my heart.

But you tore it up into pieces and throw the shattered pieces back at me each time it was offered to you.

And each time, I would pick up the broken pieces with trembling hands and mend them together with my tears.

Then, with a smile on my face, I would offer you my broken love again. Hoping against hope that you would cherish it and treat it with care.

But each time I would be disappointed.

Road to nowhere

Objective: Walk from my house to the gym at Bt Gombak
Gym was not opened yet.
Ran back from Bt Gombak without enjoying the gym.
Mission Tummy-Shrinking not acomplished. Damn.


(As per DK's request, took a picture to show that I really did run.)

Moral Compass

"The truth is, a moral compass can only point you in the right direction but it can't make you go there. Our culture preaches that you should'nt be ashamed of anything you are doing anymore.

Unfortunately, this city is built on the principle that there is no such thing as guilt. Do whatever you want, we won't tell. So without a conscience, there is nothing to stop you from killing anyone. And evidently, you don even have to feel bad about it."

Something which I got from watching CSI.

The day my jaw dropped

I was sitting at the bus stop alone tonight, waiting for my bus to arrive when I saw one of my colleagues walking to the same bus stop. This was a regular looking guy, rather short and plump, with an honest face. He is a Malaysian and like most of them, speaks with a very Cantonese accent, which sounded very nice to me by the way. I just like the way Malaysians speak.

And so we were sitting there, late in the evening covered by the bloody haze that is covering the whole island at the moment, making small talks. And complaining about the odd timings of the bus.

At that moment, one of the bosses drove out in his Volvo and sped away from the building. We saw it and I said I wished that I have a car too. So that I would not have to wait for the bus for so long and wasting my time.

And then my colleague, lets just call him K, told me, "I have a car, but its in Malaysia and its very expensive to bring it out for long into Singapore."

So, naturally I asked him, "What car do you own?"

"Oh, I've got 2 cars actually. One Evo 5 and another Evo 8. The Evo 5, I bought for about S$200,000 and the Evo 8, I won it in a race."

I was like, "WAH!"

This was a man who looked so regular and so honest that you would never believe that he races! He is very soft spoken and is a very honest looking man. He always work late and always go to work late too. I always bumped into him when I was late for work.

Then he went, "I was thinking of bringing my Evo 8 into Singapore cos its sitting at home collecting dust. The Evo 5 is not allowed into Singapore cos of the modifications."

During the short span of time, I found out that he takes part in regular car racing events back in Malaysia. He is professionally trained to race and his Evo 5 is so modified that he once outran a Ferrari before, though he attributed that to the lousy driving skills of the Ferrari driver. The highest speed that he chalked up was 340km/hr. Now, thats freaking fast! However, he said this speed was taken when his car was clamped and then the floor lowered so it was basically running with no friction and no weight, realistically, it should be 300 to 310 km/hr. There were times when he used only 4 hours to drive from Singapore to Ipoh and then there was that time when he drove up to the peak of Genting in half an hour!

"Thats still bloody fucking fast lor", I said to him

And he got his Evo 8 when his team came in 4th out of 54 teams in some important race. Mitsubishi Japan actually sent down 2 engineers from Japan to do up their cars before the race leh!

He said, he only speed when he is alone and during races. With passengers around, he will never speed. (By the way, that reminded me of someone who like to speed even with passengers in the cars, a selfish dickhead who had no regards for the safety of his passangers) Unlike some drivers who sometimes can be so arrogant when they are speeding in their outrageously modified cars, his car is rather regular looking. And he also gets very freaked out when he is racing in tracks in M'sia with un-professionally trained drivers who like to think that they are the kings of the world in their rather stupid looking cars. The reason being that these people are not trained and they are unclear about the etiquettes in a race track. The time when he outran a Ferrari was cos he was not happy with the driver who seemed to think that he owned the road and was acting like some dick head.

And then he also told me about the recent event when the M'sia traffic police invited him and his team to drive alongside illegal drivers who race for bets. The police wanted to take down these car plates and filmed down everything. And the best was that the police actually provided them their own modified cars. 2 Nissan Skylines!

I was totally impressed during the whole conversation. Then again, I am an easily impressed girl anyway..

Back to the story, this was a man who is so regular looking, short and plump that you will never believe he is such a devil on the road! And he told me all these in such a soft and matter-of-fact tone that I had to prompt him to speak up for me to be able to hear him.

I was then reminded of someone whom I used to know and who liked to race in M'sia. Now, I believe that he would the kind of person whom K would describe as a wannabe driver who think that they own the road cos their cars are faster and louder than most regular cars on the road. Going at 280km/hr seem to make them go orgasmic and I wonder what would happen if this guy that I used to know were to go at 300km/hr or 320km/hr in K's car. Then again, the inertia from his weight might be too much to allow the car to go at such a high speed!

I am an evil girl! Muahahah!

I never know that my company has such a talent manz....

Tied down emotionally?

My new colleague asked me this while chatting today.

"Iris, have you thought of getting married?"

This was not the first time I was asked this question and neither was this his first time in asking me this question.

When I was younger, in my teens, while I was still happily enjoying my puppy love, all I wanted to do was to be with my boyfriend all the time. I saw him everyday in school, ate with him, studied with him, chatted long hours with him on the phone, saw movies with him and still could not get enough of him everyday.

Then, the infactuation grew dull and we grew bored of each other. And the inevitable happened.

For a while, I was happily single, doing what I wanted, enjoying my carefree time, not tied down. It was during this period of time when I believed that being single is the best thing in the world. I made a promise to myself that I would be independent for as long as I could. I am not about to get bothered by the stuff that troubled couples. I shall do what I wanted as I deem fit. And most of all, I am not about to share my life with anyone, it shall be only me, myself and I.

And again the inevitable happened again. I changed my mind.

While meeting up with a couple of single friends a week ago, the topic of being attached came up again. Somehow this topic seem to always be around when you put a group of single or attached but unmarried ladies together. Someone in the group said this, "The fact that I am single and unattached and not about to get married in the near future does not really scare me cos I am independent and I can support myself. Whether I want to get married or not is no longer a need but rather a choice."

And of course everyone in the group agreed unanimously.

Though I really wonder if anyone in the group really wanted to remain single the whole life. As I aged everyday, the thought of being as alone as now is getting more and more creepy. And more and more scary.

I replied my concern colleague this.

"Which girl in this world does not want to get married? Of course I would want to be with someone when I get old, when I need help and when I need someone whom I can count on. And yet the thought of getting tied down, financially and emotionally is rather scary."

I have yet to be tied down financially but I have gone through what it was like to be tied down emotionally and I have no wish to go through that again.

That said, I have yet to convince myself that I want to be alone for the rest of my life.

What a dilemma.....

Silent Singapore?

I wonder if I am in Silent Singapore or Silent Hill?

Gynae's visit

It was my first time to the gynae today and I must say its quite a weird experience to have another woman staring up between your legs, using cold and hard instruments probbing the interior of your body.

Weird is the least to say, uncomfortable and miserable is more apt.

Its quite a mindset changing experience as well. Before this, I always feel that my body is strong. I mean, I fall sick less than twice a year and I never need to see doctors for flu or cold unless its to get a medical certificate. The worst I ever got are always related to my gastric but I take the fault for that. Not a fault of my body's immune system or my ability to heal.

In essence, I am a perfectly healthy young girl, with a strong body, and I always thought I will remain that way.

Until today.

It was nothing serious actually, just a case of inonsistent and super heavy menstruation bleeding, which had already lasted for a month. Other than the inconveniences of having to endure a stupid piece of thick cotton up my legs and the troubles of changing it every other hours, there is also the impact on my mental health. I am becoming crankier than usual.

And so I went to see a doctor and then got referred to a specialist.

The doctor was a nice homely lady, who do not waste words. She got right up to point and interrogated me on my medication history, my menstral cycles and my sexual history. I was alright with all that actually. Kinda expected that. She is a gynae after all.

Then came the physical examinations. First was the vaginal speculum, then it was the long metal rod up my feminine region.

Saying that I hated it is an understatement of how I am feeling right now.

And then the urine testing, for which I had to hold on to the transparent container holding my urine while waiting at the lobby for the nurse to attend to me. Any Tom, Dick and Harry or Jane, Mary and Lucy who were at the lobby was treated to the sight of this young lady holding her urine walking around the lobby waiting for a nurse. Way to go man............

Got my pills and made another appointment to go back after 3 weeks.

And the cost? A fucking $157.70!

Whatever the case, as I was on my way back, I suddenly felt older, way much older. I realize that I ain't no superhuman and if I do not take care of my body, I am soon going to get into trouble. It may sound silly to all but I felt so vulnerable at that point of my realization.

Now, I am going to worry about countering the effects of my soon-to-be weight gain from taking the hormonal pills..

Crap.

I changed my mind

I think I owe an explanation to all the people here. After all the trouble that you guys had in helping me make a decision as to whether I should quit my job.

Truth is, after I talked to my dad and was convinced to leave my company, I changed my mind again and stayed.

I had a long talk with the big boss this time, who asked me what I really want out of my life. I was a little stump by his question. And so I told him what I want and why I decided to quit.

The day when my granny was admitted to the hospital, I came back home late and decided to go to the hospital to visit her the next day. But I never had the chance to talk to her again.

And then after her funeral when I came back to the office, I looked at my work and my office building. I was really tired, I hated to come back. I dragged my feet back to the office everyday and I was always thinking what I wanted out of my life. I don want to get into another situation again when I had to missed seeing someone else for the last time cos I was delayed at work.

And so I told the boss. I said at this moment in time, I wanted to leave my work at 6pm everyday, and go back home and spent time with my family. I wanted to balance my work and my personal life.

Which the boss replied.

"You should not blame anyone for what happened. You should learn to prioritize. I have 300 emails everyday but do you see me rushing about attending to all my emails? If I were to do that, you will not see me here talking to you, drinking coffee. When my younger brother passed away, I broke down. I stayed with him at the funeral parlor everyday until my family gave up on me. After a while I thought, the dead is gone, there is nothing we can do about it, the living should move on. I don want you to missed a chance here. Give yourself a chance and give us a chance as well, I don want my staff to make the wrong decision cos of a single episode in their life. In life, we experience a lot of things, some good and some bad. But we do not want to make a wrong decision due to some bad incidents. You might have missed seeing your granny for the last time but you can make sure that this does not happen again. Do your job efficiently and make sure you go home early and make sure you do not get too involved. Life is about balancing and not running away. Give yourself a chance here, I assured you that you will grow very fast with us. We have a lot of projects coming up and we need people like you, people who can think. Leave all the operational stuff to the rest instead. We need thinkers more than doers. I can gaurantee you that for the coming years, you will learn a lot and grow very fast with us. Stay and you will not regret it."

And then in the afternoon, my boss talked to me again.

"So how? After the boss talked to you again, you still want to leave? He has went through so much in his life and had experienced a lot, and he has the most rights to give you advices. The bosses here know their workers and they know that you are a good worker, thats why we are trying to make you stay. We need people here and I need you. I stick to my end of our agreement that you will not deal with operations anymore and I hope you are able to stick to your end of our agreement to help me. Stay and I can confirm you will grow fast within the company."

And so, my dear readers, I changed my mind and stayed on with my company. I was touched that so many people, all the way from the top wants me to stay. I just hoped that this shall not be a bad decision. And like what my sis told me, "Whatever decision you made, just make sure that you are happy and will not regret it in the near future."

Him and Her

"Why do people here paint their boats the same colour as their houses?"

"Its for the wives to know that their husbands had return from the sea."

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As she lay there in the still of the evening, she felt at peace with herself. She looked at his closed eyes, touched his lips, felt his breathe and see the fine hair on his hands. He looked so beautiful when he was sleeping.

She felt so safe in his arms, protected and warm in his embrace.

She brushed her hands across his lips and felt the lines. She ran her fingers across his chest and felt him stirred in his sleep. She smiled to herself, felt a deep longing within her, a longing for him.

She closed her eyes and wrapped her arms across his chest and fell asleep in his arms, with a smile on her face, secured in the knowledge that she will always be safe in his arms.

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He felt a slight stiring beside him and opened his eyes and saw her.

She looked like a child, naked and beautiful in the evening light. Her hair was spreaded out around her head like a darkened pool of mysterious light. Her lips were red and she was smiling in her sleep, her expression cheeky and lighthearted. Her arm were outstretched across his chest and wrapped tightly around him, embracing him as she slept. Her breasts were full and her chest was heaving rhythmically with her every breathe.

She looked so beautiful, like an angel, dark and proud and yet like a child, vulnerable and to be protected. She was his queen, his charge, his angel.

He closed his eyes, and hugged her tightly as she slept, wrapping himself tightly around her, as if telling her that she will always be safe with him and he will never let her down.

Thank you all!

I never realize the powers of tomorrow.sg until now! Wow, suddenly this little blog of mine was filled with so many comments and so many advices!

Thank you all very much for the advices.

I have decided to leave and take up the other offer.

My father put it best when he told me this:

"Leave your current job cos you are always so unhappy when you come back home from work."

Something so simple and yet hits the bull's eyes. And that seal my fate.

Finally!

Should I leave?

A continuation of my previous posting. And its now more complicated and agonizing.

When I tendered my resignation, there wasn't much of a reaction from my boss. He accepted it and wished me good luck, which was kinda surprising cos he liked me a lot.

Then one day later, he had a long and serious talk with me, as per my last posting. He gave me a deadline to give him my answer on Mon.

And then yesterday, my 2 big bosses and a female senior manager of my company was also involved in trying to make me stay.

In the afternoon, the COO of the company called me to his room. The first thing he said was "Why?" I shall not go into details about the 2 hour long conversation but instead of asking me to stay with the company, he actually advised me on the kind of industry I should go. He also made the point that big companies are rather rigid and hard to manoeuver and most of the time when they do, there will be people left behind. Implications: its easy to get axed in a big MNC. And then he said his company is on the lookout of capable people and if I feel that my current department is not suitable for me, he will transfer me out to another area. He offered me a position in a new department, which was newly set up, an area where they are totally no one at the moment.

I replied that I have already made up my mind and is actually looking forward to joining the new company and it is really kinda hard for me to pull myself back to work in his company at the moment. However, since I promised my boss to rethink my decision, I shall give him and myself a chance and think about his offer and let him know my answer on Monday.

An hour after his long talk with me, I was called up into a senior manager's room. She is a rather chatty lady and has the amazing ability to analyze the situation and then come up with solutions. The funny thing is she is not even my direct boss and has no direct chain of command over me.

It turned out that my CEO called her to talk to me, asking her to find out from me the real reason why I am leaving and perhaps to persuade me to stay.

And so I told her. I am in fact very tired. Its been a long and tiring journey with the company. I have just reach my breaking point long ago and yet I am still struggling on. No doubt, I learnt a lot from the experiences that was offered to me but when your work is actually affecting your personality and taking up too much of your private life, it is really not worth it. I told her this. "can you imagine my duties now are split into 3 persons? That was my work load in the past and somemore, I wasn't really given much of a time to learn before I was thrown into the duties. I was sort of thrown into the ocean without knowing how to swim. I did almost drowned a couple of times but its taking up all my strength. Even though my duties are now evenly spreaded out, I am at the point of a burntout. I am so tired that in fact whenever I stepped into the company, I just feel like running away. There were times when I broke down and I still had to clenched my teeth and struggled on. And the frustration of working is affecting me and my personality. I became very bad tempered and very fouled mouthed, ticked off easily by little things. My relationship with my parents suffered and I always feel so tired. Two months ago, I tendered my resignation but held back cos I had not found a job. And then now that my boss took out my duties and arranged everything nicely and since I had found a new job, its really time for me to leave.

She told me that actually she talked to my boss a while back regarding me. She told him that it is no way to make someone work so hard. There will come a breaking point. No matter how committed a worker is, there will come a point when too much is too much. This is what is happening to me at the moment. However she also said, you must also think about your career path. The company had already planned out something for you and if I really don like what I am doing, there perhaps I can transfer to the new department and be a pioneer there and set up the operations there. I told her that I will think about my decision and give my answer to everyone on Mon. But I strongly indicated to her that I have already decided. The last word that she said to me was "whatever decision that you took, just make sure that you are happy with it and will not regret it."

And then that night, my boss took me out with my colleagues to the karoke. It was just like in the past when all of us just make a fools out of ourselves, me especially and got drunk. I am actually writing this entry with trembling hands and a hungover. Boss himself even stayed back late and joined us for the drinking session when he never really like to drink much. And as before, I puked so much that I had cramps. My colleague who drove me home had to park his car in a parking lot cos he did not dare to drive after a while. Too tired and too drunk. I only reached home at 6am this morning in fact...

And so dear readers of this blog, ms froggie here really need some advices. Am I making a wrong decision here by leaving the company when the bosses really like me so much and think so highly of me? Or if I were to stay, will I be giving up a good opportunity?

Argh! What should I do? Monday is the d-day!!! Help!

Choices, choices!

I quit my current job. I have got a better offer in terms of pay and work in a large American MNC.

At first my boss let me go when he heard that. He did not say anything when he heard the name of the company that I am going to join.

Then today, he had a long talk lasting for 3 hours with me. He said he had been accomodating with me, giving me what I wanted and stuff like that. Which actually is true, he did pass a huge bulk of my workload to my colleagues and put me in business developments. He had even planned out career path for me. However, before everything is about to start, I am tendering. This is not fair for him, he said. Besides, he trust me a lot, allowing me to handle sensitive management stuff even though I am not part of the management. He even told me that the figures that I am handling for him are not accessible to his assistant manager. Which is also true.

And he is even willing to give me the same pay that the other company is giving me.

The thing is, I have already decided to quit. I am finally throwing in the towel. Its been a very taxing and tiring journey for me. I actually sacrificing a lot of my personal life for this job. Because of my colleagues, I lost a dear friend, although I did find him back in the end. Because of my job, I became very loud, bad tempered and vulgar, sprouting very colourful languages when things do not go my way. Because of my working environment, I had to put up with a lot of cigarette smokes and ended up even thinking about taking up smoking. Because of my working hours, I always had to go home late and had to miss lots of my personal private time. It is also because of my working hours that I missed the chance to see my granny for the last time.

I am tired, seriously. I told my boss that I would like a job that gives me satisfaction and I do not mind slogging for the company. But if the job is affecting my personal life and my character and personality adversely, then I do not think it is worth to keep working. It is too much of a sacrifice. I do not want to become another person. I want to be happy as well in my work. Therefore, it is now time for me to leave. I know it is selfish for me ultimately to leave him before he can start all his upcoming projects but I do not want to get him in a situation when I quit halfway through his projects because that would even be worse off. And also I do not want to make myself very unhappy by staying in this job. I am seriously very tired.

However, I also told him that I will think about what he said. I owed him that.

I am so confused. Am I being stupid and foolish to leave when my boss had planned out my career path for me? In the current job, I will have the chance to travel overseas to oversee new projects and to do business development. I will also be having a higher pay than now, the same pay that I will be getting in the new company. The drawback is that the current company is a local company while the new company is a huge American MNC, a famous one at that too. There is also the fact that my health and personal life will continue to take beatings.

Arrgghh... What am I to do?

Give My Love

I was home early today and was watching the idiot box when I saw this Korean drama "Save the Last Dance for Me". And it touched me, which was quite unexpected cos I never like Korean or Japanese romance dramas, always think that they are too exaggerated and too fairy-tale.

For some reason, this one particularly touched me. And I did not even watch the show, only managed to catch a few portions of it. Portions about heartbreaks and pain. Pain of having to lose someone whom you love and having to suffer in silence. Having to get through your life as if everything is alright, when in the deepest corner of your heart, you know that you will never be alright again cos you lost a piece of your heart when you lost that someone.

I once told someone that being emotional is not a sign of weakness. Rather it is being human. It is an sign of being alive. That you are alive to have emotion, to be able to feel. Feelings are what make us whole.

Heartbreaks. How many people here have never gone through them. Those who have never gotten them are fortunate but those who have gotten them are not unfortunate either. Because those who have undergone hearbreaks are given the opportunity to feel, to get emotional and to know what it is like to be human.

But oh the pain, the pain of losing the person that you love, it certainly aches so much. The pain is so suffocating and so sharp that it just make you dead, to the core of your existence. Why then do we have to feel pain to feel?

Such are the pains of love..

When I look in your eyes I can see that you
Want to be with me but you’re so scared
And I don’t know what to say or do
But the tears keep falling from your eyes
And I know that
Times won’t change my love
And I can’t do nothing to keep you

Oh, I’ll give my love oh when I hold you tight
Give my love through kisses oh so bright
And you know that I can’t change my love
Take my love all through the night…
As the hours pass away
You think that love ain’t here to stay
Feel a beat from your chest
But you don’t give doubt a moment’s rest
You dream the future and all you see is dark
Listen to your heart, baby, the truth will set sparks

Now I’ll give my love oh when I hold you tight
Give my love through kisses oh so bright
And you know that I can’t change my love
Take my love all through the night

Now I’ll give my love oh when I hold you tight
Give my love through kisses oh so bright
And you know that time won’t change my love
Take my love all through the night

I’ll give my love oh when I hold you tight
Give my love, through kisses oh so bright
And you know that I can’t change my love
Take my love all through the night

Now I’ll give my love oh when I hold you tight
Give my love through kisses oh so bright
And you know that I can’t change my love
Take my love all through the night