Beautiful Things

Got up early, found something’s missing
My only name
No one else sees, but I got stuck
And soon forever came
Stopped pushing on for just a second
Then nothing’s changed
Who am I this time, where's my name?
Guess it crept away

No one's calling for me at the door
And unpredictable won't bother anymore
And silently gets harder to ignore

Look straight ahead, there’s nothing left to see
What’s done is done, this life has got its hold on me
Just let it go, what now can never be

I forgot that I might see
So many beautiful things
I forgot that I might need
To find out what life could bring

Beautiful things

Take this happy ending away
It's all the same
God won't waste this simplicity
On possibility
Get me up, wake me up, dreams are filling
This trace of blame
Frozen still I thought I could stop
Now who's gonna wait?

No one's calling for me at the door
And unpredictable won't bother anymore
And silently gets harder to ignore

Look straight ahead, there’s nothing left to see
What’s done is done, this life has got its hold on me
Just let it go, what now can never be

So many beautiful things
So many beautiful things

Now what do I do?
Can I change my mind?
Did I think things through?
It was once my life
It was my life at one time

Purple puke..

Its not everyday that you can dance and drink with your CEO and tonight happened to be one of these days for me...

Mr Tan kept getting us to drink and of all drinks, it had to be red wine. I had already downed a glass of Vodka and a glass of beer. In the end, I had no idea how much wine I drank. At the end of the event, he wanted to bring us to some club at One Fullerton and so I had to go. On the way there, I was already rather drunk and even had difficulties walkin straight, I was really tipsy torvy. I remembered sitting in Mr Tan's Beamer and recalled that it was very nicely furnished. He even told us stories about his wifey and stuff about himself in his army days.

Then I remembered walking to a dark place to a rather nicely furnished club, could not remembered the name though. As soon as I reached there, I went straight to the loo to puke. Threw up quite a fair bit of wine. And then went back to the white sofa to rest for awhile and then back to the loo again to puke. This time I retched so hard that my stomach actually hurt. And I never knew how much wine I drank and how much peanuts I ate until I threw them all out. The whole toilet bowl actually was filled with purple and blue gooey stuff.. Yucks.

Then Mike called us out and said they are starting to dance. And so I went to the dance floor to let myself go. mr Tan also joined in, seeing that we were so havoc. I was so relaxed that at some point of time, I recalled pulling Mr Tan back to the dance floor when he got tired and sat on the side of the stage. Its crazy, pure adrenaline rush and sheer fun! So much fun!

After a while though my drunkeness was gone and I was actually very awake, like now, though still a little drunk and high from all the dancing, drinking and shouting. I actually shouted myself hoarse and my eardrums are still vibrating from all the loud music...

I think I am going to puke again...

Mindcircus

I am so tired of listening to our radio, the few popular songs kept getting played, replayed and then replayed again and again every single day. There are only so many pop songs that one can really listen to before getting tired and sick of them!

I have been looking for other genres of music to listen to and the latest favs of mine is trance, electronic and vocalists, musics that are not the mainstream. Perhaps even new age. Funny, I used to hate such genre of music until some recent influences.

The first reaction that I would get from most people when I introduced to them such music would be that the tunes tend to give them headaches and they would rather stay away from them. I used to be like that too in the not-so-recent past. I can't believe how much I had been missing by staying away from them! There are actually so much euphoric surprises hidden inside these musics and the different remixes provide so much excitement to one's senses!

Its only when you are willing to open up your mind before you would be able to truly enjoy such musics. In fact, come to think of it, this applies to all kind of music too. Brushing away a particular genre just cos its of that particular genre is such a pity. You have already discounted something before you even dare to take the first step in giving it a chance. Its like you have already judge the subject before even allowing it any chance to prove itself. Thats really unfair to the subject but most of all, its so much more unfair to yourself. Judge, discount and dispose instead of experience, discount and dispose/enjoy. What a waste!

Then again, thats life. We are always so sure of ourself, so sure that all the choices that we made are always right and that we know whats the best for us. Our thought and decision-making processes are so one-sided that we tend to only look down the road in a single direction; straight in front. Some do that cos they are so used to taking the safe mode while others just have this innate ability to only focus on whats in front instead of giving the side path a second look. Most just do not have the courage to do that out of fear that whatever sidepaths they take will fail them. In the end, the straight road ahead will be so cleared of any surprises that its became so boring while the side treks are filled with so much surprises but not many will be able to understand nor have the chance to explore.. We have essentially became tamed horses fitted with self-imposed blinders so that we only look at the front and ignore whatever at the side roads

Perhaps we should take a little breather from just walking on the safe road. Venture out into more unknown paths and explore whatever that are on the side treks. Wearing our blinders too often will tend to make one lost track of whatever has been happening around him and soon, at the end of the road, one would find that actually the road that hes been taking is actually so tame, so mundane. Its kinda sad actually and rather ironic too. We are all blessed with a wonderful sense of curiousty yet we try so hard to stifle it so as to remain safe and free from failures. In the end, we have missed so many chances to explore and to be surprised.

Incidentally, the song that I am so crazy about right now is called Mindcircus by Way Out West, the Gabriel and Dresden remix.

Dinner dress

Spent about $300 over the past weekend.. Sweat.... On food, movies, clothing.. surprisingly I did not buy any shoes.. Perhaps this weekend then.. :P

Got these while shopping with Eelin after the musical put up by her church.. Now shoes and bag to go along with the dress..!!

Year end pensiveness

Today is the 1 year anniversary of the Boxing day Tsunami. Its scary how time flies. A year is almost gone, a year had gone past since the killer wave claimed the lives of thousands worldwide and change the lives of millions everywhere, from the far ends of Mauritius to Indonesia. The thing I distinctively remembered about the tsunami, other than the deathtoll was the way the whole world seem to stand together to help each other to cope with the devastating effects of the waves, how mighty countries like US polled together their resources for the victims in India, and how a small country like Singapore extend a helping hand to a gigantic country like Indonesia. Its rather heartwarming, if one disregard the underlying politics at play.

Somehow this is not what I have been meaning to talk about here but disregarding the anniversary of such a major worldwide event seem not right.

Anyway..

A year had gone by without notice, at least to me that is. I was so caught up with so many stuff that I am left a bit daze that I have actually survive the year intact, physically. Emotionally however, I am actually rather brutalized, though the word seem to be rather strong. Yet, I survived and I am glad that I did. There were times when I just felt like giving up, just quit and leave for some forsaken island in the far ends of an unknown part of the world, where I am a stranger and to restart my life all over again. Times when I just feel like putting an end to my miserable and mundane existence. I am actually amazed by whatever happened and how I managed to get over all that happened. Whatever the case, everything that happened has happened and talking about it seemed so childish and stupid. Dwelling on it is just so useless. Its really time for me to move on.

Happy New year to all, enjoy the days as they come, for time waits for no one and before you know it, its gone. Cherish each day as if they were the last day of your existence and enjoy them whole heartedly. Most of all, do not take anyone and anything for granted. :)

Insane un-sleeping marathon

Gosh, I think I am going insane.. Had been styaing up real late, or I should say, real early these days and then waking up early in the morning to work.. The past week had been very very stressful and really fast for me.. I am actually very amazed that I managed to survive it...

Lets see...

I almost lost 2 cheques on Tue.. Total amount came up to about $3.5k. I had to issue 2 cheques to pay the shipping company for 2 stoopig clearance and I misplaced them in the pantry. One of the managers took it and passed to a girl in accounts who did not inform me about it. As I was really caught up in my work, I did not realize that I had misplaced it until it was about 8pm at night, by which everyone had gone home. It also happened that it was Tiffany's birthday the next day and she invited the group of us to go KTV with her. I stayed until like 1.30am and slept at about 3am. Woke up at 5am and could not get back to sleep cos I was so worried about the missing cheques.. Finding them the next day was my best Christmas present for me manz....

And then came Thur. I had to rush to get Christmas presents for my colleagues. But because I had yet to finish my work, it was only until very late did I manage to finish buying all the presents. Stayed up till 2am to finish wrapping them..

Fri was spent with watching Narnia with Eelin and Joan. It was a 10.30pm show. By the time I reached home it was about 1plus in the morning and I slept at about 2am. Woke up at 6am the next day to go work..

Sat, which just passed, was rather insane as well. I had to wake up early in the morning to go back to office. And then after that, I rushed off to meet Naixuhs and CB for a movie triathon. Caught Merry Christmas, highly recommended in my opinion, then Wallace and Gromit at 10.30pm followed by Narnia at 12.30am. Slept through Wallace and Gromit and was very pissed about it. One moment I was following the crazy antics of the man and the dog and the next, the cinema just lit up and everyone was leaving the theatre, although I distinctively recalled seeing a giagantic watermelon in the show.

Got so fed up with the dozing off in the cinema that I downed a cup of black coffee, hoping to knock myself awake. Turned out, the effect of the coffee only kicked in about an hour later. I still managed to doze off during certain parts of Narnia, which was quite ok for me, not so pissed about it cos I already caught it the day before. But still..

And now its like 430am and I am very much wide awake! Damn it!!! my body is trembling and really tired but my eyes are wide awake. The mind is racing but cannot sleep. Caffeine overdose already..

*sweat*

Yummy!

Now these are what I call a true Christmas feast!

Christmas feast

Eelin was in a cab with me when she popped this question to me. "Have you been spending time with your family lately?"

That caught me by surprise a little. I wasn't expecting her to talk about my family and we were talking about some other stuff right before she asked me this question.

"Not really. Me, sis and bro always seem so busy with our stuff and bro is now in NS and that makes it even harder for us to spend time together."

In fact, come to think of it, its been like ages since my whole family had a dinner toether. I think the last time when all of us really sit down to have a meal, on no special occasion and like a normal family was when I was still in the Uni. Sheesh.. that was so looong....

Anyway.. I was in the shower washing the hair when something just struck me. Incidentally, has anyone noticed that washing hair really helps in thinking and creativity. I always am the most creative when I am washing my hair.

Back to my brilliant idea or at least it appear brillliant in my own opinion, I am going to plan a Christmas dinner for my family. The festive season just provided me with the right excuse for a feast, a true Christmas feast! Hell, I might even ask my bro to bring her girlfriend along too, and my sis to bring her boyfriend too..! Then again, that would just make me the odd one out eh. Dad with mum, sis and bro with their partners. (Gosh, I really am pathetic....)

I want to have some meat loaf, honey baked ham, mashed potato, Ceaser salad, mushroom soup, brownies etc. Yummy! And perhaps I might even go get some red wine too, just for the occasion..! What did I miss out?

Ok, more excuse to shop for food this weekend..

And by the way, Merry Christmas to all!

Christianity. Confusion.

Went a Christmas party with Eelin and her cell group last night. 2 of her cell groupmates very kindly loan out their newly bought apartment for the event. It was a very cosy setup, with the mellow lightings, light Christian songs, soft cushions and sofas, and the food was great, especially the fruit punch. I never know that mixing Sprite with watermelons can be so addictive. The only thing that I could complain about is the evening heat and the sparse room. The couple had just gotten married and there was a lack of items in the house, making it seem a little bare. The people there were very friendly, warm and cool, basically great people. I never for a moment felt like a stranger there for a minute although I must have been the only non-Christian there.

And yet, I feel weird. Actually, I felt like a hypocrite, attending a Christian gathering even though I wasn't one. I am sure Eelin and her friends certainly do not mind but still.. The thing is, she has always been hoping that I would convert into a Christian. The last thing that she told me when she left for Australia 4 years ago to further her studies was that she hoped that when she comes back, I would attend church with her. And now, 4 years later, I still have not accepted Christ.

I have always imagined that accpeting Christ is something that should be spectacular, nothing about fireworks but rather something deep, thought provoking and all. And yet, everytime I attend her church gatherings, my doubts about Christianity grow deeper. There was once I attended her cell group and her cell leader just pulled me apart with Eelin and talked to me about Christianity. In the end, I asked her so much questions that I felt bad about it. They were after all trying to help me gain enlightment, in the strictest sense of words. I was told that everything would only be clearer to me once I accepted Christ whole-heartedly and without questions and its only then I can feel how His love and understanding.

The thing is, Christianity has always intrigued me but I find a lot of their theory or their teachings flawed. There are still so many questions that are left unanswered. The first one being, if God created man and woman, then who created Him?

And yet, there were times when i certainly felt like talking to this higher entity for comfort. To seek solace and to ask him to take away my burdens and all. Times when I need someone to help answer my questions and to save me from all the uncertainties that I was facing. Times when I just needed someone to talk, to listen unquestioning to my ramblings, and most of all not judge me. These were times when I really felt like believing that there is actually a higher entity who will be there for me no matter what, just waiting for me to accept Him into my life and will help me through my problems. To put it in a better way, these were times when I wanted someone to save me.

I am so confused.

Shadow on the Sun

Once upon a time
I was on a mind to lay your burden down
And leave you where you stood
You believed I could
You’d seen it done before
I could read your thoughts
And tell you what you saw
And never say a word
But now that is gone
Over with and done
And never to return

I can tell you why
People die alone
I can tell you why
The shadow on the sun

Staring at the loss
Looking for the cause
And never really sure
Nothing but a hole
To live without a soul
And nothing to be learned

I can tell you why
People go insane
I can show you how
You could do the same
I can tell you why
The end will never come
I can tell you on
The shadow on the sun

Shapes of every size
Move behind my eyes
Doors inside my head
Bolted from within
Every drop of flame
Lights a candle in
Memory of the one
Who lived inside my skin

I can tell you why
People go insane
I can show you how
You could do the same
I can tell you why
The end will never come
I can tell you on
The shadow on the sun

Bye Poppy

Poppy just passed away today.

My sis gave her and Buddy away after Toto came to live with us. Everything was still ok until last night. Her friend said that Buddy was unsually noisy and kept screaming for the whole of the night. Even woke the neighbours up at some point. Then the next morning, she found Poppy's stiff body in the cage. As it turned out, Poppy was having difficulty laying eggs and died as a result. Buddy, being her mate, knew that something was very wrong and that she was in great pain. He was actually trying to catch our attention and yet we thought he was being naughty and making a nuisance of himself.

Poppy had always been laying eggs, perhaps its cos she and Buddy were so bored in their cage that they had nothing to do but to mate. On average, she would be laying about 2-3 eggs per couple of months. 6 of them actually hatched and the chicks are still healthy today, probably becoming parents today. When Poppy was pregnant, her belly would be so huge that she would literally be dragging along the floor and her temper would be really nasty. She would never let anyone of us touch her and would bite, most of the time drawing blood. She was one fiesty little birdie.

My sis cried out her eyeballs today. I am ashamed to say that I did not cry but rather felt a sense of loss. I bought Poppy when she was just a new born chick, feeding her in the middle of the night and making sure that she and Buddy would not go hungry. Although I seldom looked after them and leave the cleaning up to my sis, I am still attached to them in a way. And Poppy's death still left me with a weird sense of loss, not deep but still..

Bye Poppy.

I need relaxants

Ok, to update all the lovely people here who are concerned about me, I just went to see a doc for my chest problems. As expected, I was told to relax. I am too stressed up, and got an anxiety attack. Doc told me it was nothing and told me to take it easy, though I have no idea what the "it' he was referring to. But if the attack comes back again and become more frequent, I would have to go back to him and do an ECG or a lung test for my breathlessness, though he said its unlikely that it would happen since all my vital stats are a-ok and normal except for my cholesterol level.

Another thing to note is that I think the longer I stayed in the waiting area for the doc, the higher my stress level will go up. Kaoz.. There were babies screaming, aunties yakking, children playing etc. And seeing people who came later than me, yet wait a shorter time than me to see the doc just pushed my stress level up. Add to that is the incessant calls from office and customers on my mobile. At that rate, I might just got a heart attack on the spot.

Life for Rent

I haven't really ever found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize that once again I'm not in love
But it's not as if I mind
that your heart ain't exactly breaking

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

I've always thought
that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone
and live my life more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
Well how can I say I'm alive

If my life is for rent...

Roomie vs Lappie

My sis has this sudden impulse to redesign our bedroom, at my financial expenses of course. Well, actually she was suggesting that each of us fork out about $400 and she will redesign our room, including getting a new wardrobe. A huge one that will accomodate all our clothes, which will be quite an uphill task considering that both of us have an enormous amount of clothes and what-nots in our individual wardrobe, including some stuff which I never even know existed in my possession. The pains of being girls with spending power.. *swoons*

And she is complaining that our wardrobe is falling apart, not unexpected considering the amount of junk that we have been stuffing in them. So, she asked me early this morning if I would like to redsign our room. I was like "ok, fine by me." And then she asked me to fork out the $400!

"Wah! how come so much!?"

"No mah, you give me the money and I go get the wardrobe and then the rest of the money I use to buy racks and stuff like that to redesign our room lor."

"So much meh? I want to get a new Powerbook and you are asking me to take so much money out now.."

And so how folks? What do you think I should do, pay for the room first or the Powerbook?

So many wants and so little financial support.. Who wants to support me and sponsor my room? :D

Pessimism

"Emotionally retarded." I said in response to Emily with regards to her "emotionally slow" comment

'Yah, you got it. Thats the term I was looking for."

We were talking about how men seem to have this disability in expressing their emotions and being slow, very slow in knowing what we girls want. Rachel was nodding her head in agreement. All three of us ended up in laughter, having experience in some way or another frustration in getting men or boys to express what they want from us.

It would seem that everytime I met up with my girlfriends, I would get more and more pessimistic in affairs of the heart, love and stuff like that. Or just finding a lifetime partner in general. With my biological clock slowly ticking away, I am always being reminded of the fact that I might just really end up getting left on the bloody shelf, not that I care but when you are always being reminded in a not so subtle way by your relatives and colleagues, somehow or rather the frustration will set in, sooner or later. Read carefully here, its finding a lifetime partner, not marriage. Somehow, I still have this idea that marriage is quite a superficial thing. I do not believe that having a piece of certificate is enough to justify love, commitment yes, but certainly not love. Perhaps love encompasses commitment but definitely not the other way round. More like responsibility. And getting married requires more than love, it requires tolerance, endurance, patience and all that is required to make one sacrifice his or her freedom.

Anyway back to the main topic.

Why does men have this inability to express themselves? What on earth are they proving when they act cool and hide their emotions?? Especially when the marriage vows distinctively talks about sharing everything with the spouse. Lawrence has been slowly sinking into depression since his marriage with Emily. The both of them are always so happy together, always laughing together and always doing everything together, even on our gatherings. During their wedding, the thing that was firmly etched in my memory was the sight of Lawrence holding onto Emily's hand in the car, slowly caressing it as if to tell her that he is never going to let her go forever. I remembered smiling and experiencing something of a cross between happiness and envy at the same time. Happy cos they finally found their soulmates and envy cos I might never be able to enjoy such bliss in my lifetime.

And now, a year after they are married, Emily was telling us that they are having problems getting adjusted to living together. Lawrence refused to let her into his life, just basically shutting her out emotionally, accusing her of being unreasonable and yet refusing to explain why he felt that way. The arguments got so bad that he even threatened separating. And the worse thing is he refuses to talk about his problems.

It would seem like getting married is not such a good idea after all. Living together certainly takes more than love and familarity breeds contempt, like some kind of fungus, creeping in unknowingly. Before you know it, everything falls apart and then its over. And what are left will be anger, hurt and misery. Whats the point. And all because the man refused to talk, perhaps due to his pride or ego. I just don understand. Sigh..

On the sidenote about being pessimistic in finding a lifetime partner, its not a baseless foolish statement. R had just broken up with her boyfriend, S is still trying to get over the fact that her fiance got another girl pregnant, J's friend broke up with her boyfriend just when they were going to get married, C's boyfriend left her for his ex, D's boyfriend left her for something else which I forgot, I think it was for some other girls too. Who else did I miss out? Me? Hah, the most pathetic one..!

With so many broken relationships, I think I am just tired. Hell, who ever said that women are troubles! Men are just as much sickening too!

So you tell me, whats the point of getting into a relationship? Why invest so much emotions and time into something that is so vulnerable and then getting hurt. Its so predictable.

I think I am losing track of what I want to talk about. But you get what I mean.

Kiss the Rain

Hello
Can you hear me?
Am I gettin' through to you?
Hello
Is it late there?
There's a laughter on the line
Are you sure you're there alone?
Cause I'm tryin' to explain
Somethin's wrong
Ya just don't sound the same
Why don't you, why don't you
Go outside, go outside

Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever I'm gone, too long.
If your lips
Feel lonely and thirsty
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn.
Keep in mind
We're under the same skies
And the nights
As empty for me, as for you
If ya feel
You can't wait till mornin'
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain

Hello
Do you miss me?
I hear you say you do
But not the way I'm missin' you
What's new?
How's the weather?
Is it stormy where you are?
Cause I'm so close but it feels like you're so far
Oh would it mean anything
If you knew what I'm left imagining
In my mind, in my mind
Would you go, would you go
Kiss the rain
And you'd fall over me
Think of me, think of me, think of me, only me

Kiss the rain, kiss the rain
Kiss the rain, kiss the rain
Hello Can ya hear me? Can ya hear me? Can ya hear me?

Almost dead.

I think I must be suffering from some retribution. I must have been a very bad girl. Somehow or rather, I think I must have hurt someone else without knowing it and I am made to pay for my bad karma. For some reason, nothing ever seems to go smoothly in my life. Everything sucks and now my reputation has been ruined. I don even know why. I have never did what I was said to have done and I have never even hurt anyone and yet I was protrayed to be some slut, a witch who preys on men. I don even know that I was remotely capable of that!

I think I almost had a heart attack today. Literally. I was sitting on the bus on my way back home after getting some gastric medicine for my mum, her gastric problem is getting worse. And then halfway through the journey, my back felt numb. I had to close my eyes to let the sensation pass when I felt a sharp stab in my heart. I almost cried out loud in pain. It was real painful. After the pain passed, my entire left hand just went weak, limp and felt useless. I couldn't even clench a fist. I was exhausted after that. And now, I felt really breathless, really out of breathe. Am I dying?

No matter how much I hate my life, I still want to live. I may have been always talking about dying and stuff like that but the fact remains that I still have a lot of unfinished business that I have yet to do. Experiences that I want to enjoy, people I want to meet, people I want to love and places that I have yet to go. So many things yet to finish, so little time. The sky is the limit, and the globe is my playground which I have not finish playing and exploring.

Perhaps its time I reconsider my priorties and adjust my vision.

Most of all, perhaps its time I pay the doc a visit.

I need to rant

For some reason, I have been having a dull throbbing pain in my chest. I think its due to stress, the stress from my work but most of all stress of how other people's opinion are affecting me. Its really easy to say that one should now care about the opinions of other people but when it comes to the real thing, how many of you here are able to do that? I admit it, I am not strong, I care about how other think of me and my reputation too. I want to have a good image and be someone whom people respect and liked. To put it in a better way, I want to be accepted.

Lately however, I have came to know that my reputation is being tarnished. Someone whom I took to be a friend and whom I trusted enough to talk actually spilled the beans, my beans, in fact. I shall not go into details here but in the end, I was protrayed to be someone whom I am not. Surfice to say, I am very affected by these remarks. Sigh. As much as I want to say that I heck care these comments, I am actually very much bothered by it. In fact, bothered is the mildest of terms. I hated it.

I have never felt true hatred before and now I am able to taste it. Its sour and stings. It eats into you and before you know it, you are always thinking of ways in which you can take revenge, how the people who wronged you should die and how you want to take away all whom they loved so that they can suffer, suffer and pay for what they did to cause you to feel hatred. For the first time in my life, I actually felt it. I have never hated somone so damn much in my entire pathetic 25 years of existance.

If you are reading this, all the better, You know who you are. This entry is actually dedicated to you, to let you know how disgusted I am. I was in a very vexed, miserable state and I desperately need to talk. Unfortunately for me, you were there. I regretted meeting you and knowing you. I should have never tell you anything. Now, because of you, my reputation has been tarnished. You are a real fat bastard, literally. I hate you. I hated you more than anyone I have met. And to the loud-mouthed bitch who has been talking about me behind my back, fuck you. You can go to hell, you and your bloody family together. You are just an ignorant, rabid bitch who is always acting like some know-it-all saint. Fuck you, fuck you to hell, you belong to the scums in hell together with him. Both of you really deserved to be together. May you both pigs have heart attack and drop off from the face of this earth. I hate both of you.

I was naive and stupid and careless and this shall be a lesson for me, a hard and painful one but still a lesson no less. "Friends" come in many forms, some are really true and sincere and some are just bastards and bitches out to prey on people. I have been preyed on once and it shall be the last time. My trust shall not be that easily available. Once bitten, forever shy.

Fuck you both, the bastard who preyed and the bitch who barked. Fuck you both.

Idiots. Including me.

Of drugs and the death penalty

There has been quite a lot of outcry over the execution of Nguyen, the smuggler of 400g of heroin into Singapore and was sentenced to death. He was hanged yesterday, even after the Aussies made a lot of noises trying their darndest to get our government to spare the noose on him.

At first, I was nonchalant about all the hoo-has over these. To me, its just a simple clear cut case of him facing the consequences of his actions.

And then with all the hoo-hars that the Aussies created, calling us barbaric and what-nots, I just can't help but need to vent a little frustration here. To make it worse, some smart-ass made a comment in Decay's blog and made me rather mad.

What I had much difficulty understanding was why on earth was this single guy made out to be some kind of war hero? He must have been the first drug smuggler in history to have people observing a minute of silence and having bells to toll for him after his execution! Hes a drug smuggler for goodness sake! Drugs, something that destroy and kill! No matter that he gave the very lame excuse of wanting to help his twin brother pay his debts. To me, he should belong to the lowest rung of the society. He knew drugs destroy, having had a family member who is a drug addict and yet he was willling to distribute the very same substance to others, thus nudging them down the very same path that his brother had headed. And yet, people seem to think that he deserved a pat behing the back for "helping" his brother? I say, if he really wanted to help his brother, he would have sent his brother to a facility to clean him up.

Up till here, I must clarify that I am not for the death penalty. On the contrary, I am against it. Its cruel. I don belive killing will solve any problems, other than perhaps freeing up space in lockups. And there is always the fundamental issue of we, mere flesh, trying to play God. Who are we to have the right to take away the life of another human, no matter what sins they commited? I believe we don have that kind of authority, its too sacred to be trusted in us mere humans.

However, having said that, the law is the law and it must be obeyed. The whole purpose of making laws is to ensure that everything is in order, in their proper positions and in place. There should not be any compromises because if there is, then the very fundamental reason of creating the law will be undermined and the floodgate would be open. Granting clemency to Nguyen would only lead to two things. One, he will live, thus sending a message to potential smugglers that as long as they are foreigners, they might have a chance to escaping the gallows. Two, Singapore's sovereignty would be no more. We had bowed to foreign pressure.

Many argue that the death penalty is too harsh, too harsh for a crime like drug smuggling. A lot argued that death penalty is barbaric and inhumane. Its not right to kill someone cos he made a mistake. What about giving them chance? Then I shall say, don test our patience and our laws. Don do it if you don want to get the death penalty. That will prevent any human rights controversies from arising. No actions, no consequences and so no death! Simple as that. If however, you know the consequences yet went ahead to commit the act, then you just will have to face the consequences when caught. Our laws are not put there for show, they will be enacted. Like what Mr Howard said "Don't imagine for a moment that you can risk carrying drugs anywhere in Asia without suffering the most severe consequences."

At the end of the day, the whole hoo-ha about Nguyen's case is not about death penalty per se but rather a case of him facing the consequences of his actions. True, death penalty is barbaric but its our law, and we have every right to carry it out if you break the law in our land. When in Rome, do what the Romans do. Like what I told Crankyboy, the person who commented in Decay's blog, we will welcome foreigners to our land with open arms but take us for granted and come here and play punk and test our laws. We will not hesistate to implement them when they are being violated, regardless of whether you are a foreigner or not.

Split the child

And King Soloman said "Split the child into 2, let one half go to each mother."

Who is considered the true parent, the biological or the birth mother? The one who has never met the child but is genetically the creator of the child or the one who gave birth and raised the child since young but is not genetically link to the child? What if both also want the child? Which side would you stand for?

Law & Order: SVU return to our boring Channel 5 tonight and the first episode of the season was quite a mind-boggling one. Michele and Sarah went for in-vitro fertilisation at the same fertility clinic. The unsrupulous doctor planted Michele's fertilized embryos into Sarah without anyone's consent. 7 years later, Michele's only daughter died with her husband in a car accident. One fine day, she saw little Patty in a park and knew instinctively that Patty was her daughter. And the custody for Patty started. In the end, Michele loved Patty too much and let her go when she saw how the trial was affecting her emotionally.

And it turned out, Michele had 16 fertilized embryos and 4 were carried to term. Patty had siblings out there somewhere in the world.

Phew, I am still recovering from the show.......