Another year has passed since the day I wrote that memorable post in my blog and sparked off a string of events that affected my life so drastically for the past 2 years.
My birthday is coming and every day on this memorable day, I will get moody. Perhapts its the fact that I am not really sure how to spend it or perhaps I am not very good at planning what I should be doing till my next birthday. Birthdays are such a pain in the ass. Especially when you are getting old.
Actually if you ask me, birthdays are best spent contemplating how you can express your gratitudes to your parents, for they are the ones who brought you into this world, no matter how depressing this world is. In fact, when I used to attend Dharma classes, we were actually told that we should be spending our birthdays with our parents. And yes, I used to attend Dharma classes; was even "promoted" to be a teacher then but gave up teaching the kids when I could not control them. Dumb right?
Anyway as I was saying, birthdays, a time to lament the passing of another year of your life silently, and perhaps pathetically, like my case. Silently cos I have no idea who I should be spending my birthday with. Pathetically cos another year has passed since i was born and yet I have not accomplished anything that I promised myself. Things like doing something great out of my life, things like telling my parents how much I love them, things like improving the relationship between me and my bro, things like pursuing a good career, things like owning a house of my own, or even little things like owning a license. Perhaps even things like going on a long vacation to a far away country where no one knows me.
If you asked me, birthdays are not actually a time for celebration. It should be a time for mourning. The main reason being that you are now one year nearer to your impeding death so why should you even be celebrating it in the first place. Besides, who are you in the first place? Why should there be any celebration for your birthday when you are nobody, not someone who is great enough to justify any celebration on your birthday. Only great people are worthy enough of any celebration on their birthdays, people who have done something great for humanity and people who contributed to the community or the society. Certainly not people like me. I am just nothing, not even worth mentioning to anyone.
I am dreading the day when I am on my death bed, old, lonely and frail. And forgotten. And still wondering how on earth I ended up like that. And my birthdays every year are like a constant reminder that such a day is getting nearer and nearer, and I cannot find an escape for it. I am like caught up in a tangle of barb wires, pulled tighter and tighter into the mess each time I try to escape. There is no escape and my birthdays are always reminding me about it.