Sunday, June 19, 2005

The most important man in my life

I had a very strange nightmare last night. In my dream, I saw a plain field void of grass. The field was very dry and the gound was cracking. There was a large crane and my parents were perched right on top of the crane doing something with thick large cables. Beside the field, there was a large patch of land with very tall grass. Right in the middle of this patch of tall grass was a young black panther. Its fur was very shiny and glossy and it was lazing there yawning and sunning itself. I was walking from the grass to the field to my parents. Then I saw another black panther. This panther was the mother of the other one and she was beautiful. She was sleek and very large and she was pissed for some reason. So pissed that when she saw me, she ran towards me. I could even see her muscles moving when she was running towards me. I panicked and ran to my parents for help. I ran across the dried field towards the huge crane. My mom saw me and she wanted to protect me so much that she jumped down from the crane while my dad was shouting on the top.

Then the whole scene ended and the next thing I saw was my dad's funeral, killed by the panther while protecting me. I saw myself crying at his funeral. I saw his picture there and myself standing in front of a mirror, head bowed and tears dropping down onto the basin. I saw my colleagues and friends giving me their condolences and asking me to stop crying but I just cannot stop.

And the next moment I open my eyes. I realized that I was actually tearing in my sleep. My tears were rather warm when I woke up. I was so tired by the nightmare that I felt my body ached, like an bull elephant had just sat on me. I lied there immobile and continued tearing. I had a very heavy sense of loss and I felt very, very sad. For about half an hour, I felt very weak and just lied on the bed tearing, not crying, just tearing. I was thinking about losing my dad.

He is a very proud and conservative man. There were a lot of times when our ideas crashed and we would argue so vehemently that my mom had to step in to smoothe our fire. I got a lot of traits and characteristics from him. I even look a lot like him. He is a very patient man with very a very fiery temper once provoked. He is stubborn and he is a little controlling. From young, we were very scared of him. Whenever he lost his temper, we would be really scared like little kittens. When hes in a bad mood, he will throw his temper around. I probably got this trait from him and he would take his temper out on his surrounding objects whenever hes pissed.

When I reached my teens, the characteristics that I got from him become more prominent. I had a fiery temper to match him and when we quarrelled, it was crazy. There was a time when I told him off and said that he was being childish. That erupted to a very scary match of physical abilities between me and him. He slapped me and I fought back. I remembered throwing a chair at him and scratching his face while he almost used a knife on me. In the end, my mum and sis had to pulled us apart. I was so angry for a few weeks cos I felt like I lost in the battle. I was so vengeful that I tried to kill myself cos I know it would hurt him the most. I wanted him to feel pain for what he did to me.

Now that I am older, my dad's temper had sort of cool down a little. I am more mature and I am more understanding towards his actions. Hes a very loving father and he has never failed us. He will do anything to protect his family even though hes too proud to say it. He is very patient and explain his teachings to us slowly and make sure that we understand him throughly. Although I am always rebelling him and will argue with him just spite him, I am actually closer to him than my mom. The earliest memory I had of him was when I was just 4 or 5 years old. I was sick and cannot go to kindergarten. He was in the kitchen wearing his blue uniform preparing to go to work. I was telling him that I missed school and I really wanted to go. He smiled and said, "its ok, you will go when you are well enough." That was my earliest memory of him and I will remember that image forever.

Happy Father's Day.


Jonathan said...

Wah piang.. You champion leh.. Father's day and you can dream of this.. Sunday leh.. Got buy 4D or not? hehehe...

wy_7177 said...

Ah hua, I had a similar nightmare many years..also dreamt abt someone close to me died and was tearing too after that.

Soon after this nightmare (if I rem correctly), I had a serious quarrel with this someone ie. my bro.

Not sure whether is pure coincidence or what, I heard from a radio DJ that if you dream of someone who died, you are going to have a kinda conflict with this person.

Just wanna share this personal experience with you, hee maybe you can just take note.