Quitting. Soon?

The second time I tendered my resignation, my boss convinced me to stay. I gave him a smile after a long talk with him and said:

"Third strike and I am out."

He laughed it off.

I almost threw in my resignation letter again on Tue. I was very demoralized with the way my boss took me for granted. In fact, I am tired with how many people seem to take me for granted but thats another story, to be whined about in another entry in my blog on another day.

I was so confused about whether I should continue staying in my job that I took a day off to clear my mind on Mon.

The next morning, while preparing for work, I told my mum:

"Mum, what would you do if I were to quit my job?"

As usual, she said the same thing to me whenever I asked her for an opinion.

"Up to you, if you are really not happy with your current work, then just leave."

Then she added another sentence which was not what she usually would say to me when I asked for her opinion.

"But I hope you will not quit in your next job so soon. Don't quit whenever you don feel like working or whenever you cannot stand your bosses."

It was at that point when I got ashamed of myself. Well, almost. Am I sending out a message to other people that I am so easily defeated? If I were to quit now, whos gonna say that I will not end up in a worse off job or a worse off boss (though I really think its quite tough to find another boss as worse off as my current one)? Am I gonna quit again? What if I am not gonna find a job that I like for the rest of my life, am I gonna keep quitting and quitting?

I am so confused. What should I do?

Argh, if only I do not need to work!

Let's make love

Baby I've been drifting away
Dreaming all day
Of holdng you
Touching you
The only thing I want to do
Is be with you
As close to you
As I can be

Let's make love
All night long
Until all our strength is gone
Hold on tight
Just let go
I want to feel you in my soul
Until the sun comes up
Let's make love
Oh, baby

Do you know what you do to me
Everything inside of me
Is wanting you
And needing you
I'm so in love with you
Look in my eyes
Let’s get lost tonight
In each other

Let's make love
All night long
Until all our strength is gone
Hold on tight
Just let go
I want to feel you in my soul
Until the sun comes up
Let's make love

Let's make love
All night long
Until all our strength is gone
Hold on tight
Just let go
I want to feel you in my soul
Until the sun comes up
Oh, until the sun comes up
Let's make love

Oh baby, let's make love
All night long
Let’s make love

My itinerary for today

My itinerary for the day:

1. Tidy up my wardrobe. I really ought to pack my clothes and stuff properly.
2. Finished up my work and prepare for tomorrow's work
   
3. Sort through my bills and throw away all junk snail mails
4. Talk to my old and frail ganny. Looking at her just pains me, she is so old and tired. She used to be such a strong and independent woman.
5. Go out for a movie perhaps? I went to watch Devil wears Prada yesterday and I strongly recommend this show to anyone who likes witty and intelligent movies. It actually kinda reminds me of my own boss actually, demanding and pyschotic. And not to mention the clothes and fashion inside the show will just make any girls drool! And the brands, oh the brands! Too bad that I watched the show alone otherwise it will be a really fun movie to watch.
   
6. Go for a jog with my iPod. Its been quite a while since I wanted to do that. Thing is my feet hurts everytime I try to jog and it will become swollen after that. Perhaps I should just go for plastic surgery. Come to think of it, if I were to get plastic surgery for my whole body, including my face, would it be cheaper??!
7. Cry my heart out.
   

Why me?

The feeling of knowing that you are a substitute is exactly like having a red hot knife cutting through your heart, just like cutting through butter. It just leave you breathless. I never thought I would be in such a situation.

It feels so much like a betrayal.

The question asked to me was, "Did you ever think that it would be otherwise?"

Am I supposed to take comfort in this? Am I supposed to forgive cos I was already forewarned?

Somehow, somewhere, it has to end.

Why me? Why did it have to be me? Did I do anything wrong? Why me?!

I want to cry, but somehow the tears just will not flow. I want to yell out, to scream out my pain but no sound come out.

Will I ever be happy?

Sometimes I don feel like my blog belongs to me at all..

I love my blog, its a way for me to express myself, to tell others, faceless anonymous people and my friends my life, my emotions, my feelings and my experiences. Its also a way for my words to flow, words when I have no chance to use during the day when I am busy working.

And yet, I always feel that there are so many things that I cannot say in my blog. Things that are too personal and things that I do not want to talk about cos I do not see the point of talking much about it.

Why?

I am feeling very vexed at the moment. Its the same old useless stuff that I am always having trouble about.

Why? Why? Why?

Can this ever end?

Will I ever have the day when I am not troubled by the same thing again?

Would there come a day when you will never leave me? Will there ever be a day when I can say what I want to say here?

And most importantly, will I ever be happy?

Crying for a non-existent love

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I'd stay up and think of you
And I'd wish on a star
That somewhere you are thinking of me too

Cuz I'm dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow, I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Then here in my room,
Dreaming about you and me


Wonder if you even see me
And I wonder if you know I'm there
If you looked in my eyes
Would you see what's inside?
Would you even care?

I just wanna hold you close
But so far, all I have are dreams of you
So, I wait for the day and the courage to say
How much I love you(Yes, I do)

I'll be dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow, I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Then here in my room,
Dreaming about you and me

I can't stop dreaming of you
I can't stop dreamin

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I'd stay up and think of you
And I still can't believe that you came up to me
And said, "I love you; I love you too"

Now I'm dreaming with you tonight
Till tomorrow, and for all of my life
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Then here in my room,
Dreaming with you endlessly...

His shoes

Just last week, a friend of mine went to buy a shoe, after a long time of consideration. I almost thought that he was never going to get one actually. It was after much pushing from me that he finally decided to go ahead and get it.

The shoes were very nicely done and in my opinion, it was well worth the money spent, though the owner seem to think otherwise.

There is one drawback though. The shoes were rather narrow, although it was huge, the largest size that the store carried.

No matter, I said. As long as the price is reasonable, in my opinion at least, and the design is nice. Its only that the width is a little tight.

And so with that advice, he went ahead to get the pair.

The first time he wore it, he complained that it was tight, squeezing the side of his feet and making him uncomfortable while walking.

"It will get seasoned soon enough." I reassured him. "And it look nice, thats all it matters.."

It was only this morning that this whole incident struck me, with quite a ferocity, in fact. I liked the shoes, I find it worth the money and I think its nice. So logically, it would be good for my friend and persuaded him to get it. The main thing here is I assumed that it will benefit my friend and therefore I made him get it.

In actual fact, I was wrong. I felt that it was good for him but in actual fact, the shoes actually hurt him while he was wearing it and walking with it. Never in my head did it strike me that what I assumed was beneficial for him would actually hurting him. I could only form my impression based on the exterior.

At the end of the day, what I wanted to say here is that whatever you feel is beneficial for someone else might actually ended up hurting him. Its just like the age old arguments that exist between parents and their kids. Classic example would be Father feels that studying medicine is good for the son. Son however prefers to study Arts. Father forces son to take up medicine. Son hated it and perform badly in it, ending up dropping out of school.

Never in a million' years would it occur to the Father that his Son do not like Medicine and therefore will not do well in it.

So, maybe all of us should really place outselves in the shoes of others before we go ahead and decide for others.

Because at the end of the day, only we know ourselves best and no one else are able to know what is best for ourselves.

Then again, what will happen if we ourselves don even know what is best for ourselves? Now thats a scary thought....

Who is out there for me?

As I walked towards the bus station and as I was sitting there waiting for my bus to come, there were lots of questions that were going around in my head, questions that I had no answers, questions that I do not want answered and questions that I am afraid of knowing the answers.

Or perhaps its just a case that of being not ready to face the answers.

Why is there no one to help me when I am confused?

Who is out there for me?

Behind Hazel Eyes

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Strip, pluck and play!

After lots of self-encouragement and lots of self-comforting and lots of hard thinking, I finally decided to take the plunge.

Today was the big day. Today was the day when I had my tush mowed. Today was the day when I would finally be totally bare down under.

Today was the day when I had my first taste of a Brazilian wax.

Made an early appointment with Strip in the City. Woke up early and was feeling rather jubilant about it. In fact I was really looking forward to it. Its been such a long time since the idea popped into my head! Years in fact!

The place was rather nicely done. Dim lighting, curtains, wooden doors and floor panels, colourful couches and magazines at the waiting area with scented incense burning. All in all, a rather conducive environment for ladies to trim here, snip there or paint here. Fingernails and toenails I mean.

So I went up to the counter and reported myself. Was asked to fill up a form with my particulars and for some reason, my salary as well. Oh well, as long as I get to trim my bush...

And then I was led to a tiny room with a high and long bed in the middle, occupying most of the room. There was a tiny little table with 2 small stoves and 2 pots on it. One contained a pot of thick pink gluey stuff and the other a transparent puplish liquid. Hanging proudly on one of the walls was a huge framed poster with the 2 funny looking bush liked plants and the following caption.

"250,000 bushes beautifully trimmed! Don get bush whacked, get a Brazilian down under!"

Ok, a comforting thought to know that they have trimmed so many bushes already, must really be experts in such stuff...

I was then given a huge long brown towel and told to take off my skirts and panties and leave it at one of the shelves. Then I was to climb onto the bed and lie down.

After a while the waxer (I cannot think of any other terms to describe her) came in. She promptly pulled up my towel and said, "Hmm, your hair are rather coarse eh. And you have shaved before. So its gonna hurt more. Normally we use soft wax on the labia (google if you don know what this mean) area and hard wax on other areas. Soft wax is cleaner but it will hurt more. Hard wax is less painful and is more expensive."

"Ok, painful ah? Hard wax for me then, please. For all areas!" I told her.

Then I lied down and my ordeal began.

First she applied some baby power on my nether region, very thoroughly. Then. she took a huge portion of the pink gluey stuff and applied on my lower tummy. The sensation was very comforting and soothing, since it was warm and thick. I liked it a lot. The stuff amazingly hardened straight away. Then she quickly pulled it away from my skin.

YEOWCH!!

Major pain! Pain!!!

"This is still manageable. Later when I do your side and your sensitive areas, its gonna hurt even more!"

Thats not really very comforting..

After the sides and my lower tummy, I thought my ordeal was over.

NO!

Then came my labia majoria. She pulled my folds apart and then applied a thick portion of the pink wax on it. Waited a while and chatted with me. Then she pulled the strip off.

I tell you, I literally cried out! Super duper painful!

Then when the front was done, she said, "Turn over, now I am gonna do your butt hole."(Don laugh but thats her exact words to describe my asshole! Hee hee..)

So I flipped over and as before, she first spread some baby powder on my butt, in and out. Then she applied the pink wax on my asshole. And pulled the hardened wax off. Surprisingly, it was not as painful. It was rather enjoyable in fact.

Throughout the whole procedure, she was chatting with me incessantly. She introduced to me packages and told me how to take care of my bare tush, giving me intructions like no swimming, no rubbing, no shaving and no sex for 2 days.

I actually told her that I really could not concentrate on what she was talking about with her hands on my tush and the pain! Haha!

Half an hour later, after lots of waxing, pulling, and tweezing of stubborn hairs, I walked out of the room to make payment. Total charges for whacking bushes, a tub of cream for ingrown hair and a tube of soothing cream for my poor tush?

A freaking two hundred and eleven dollars!

As what Constance said to me after that "Huh? Thats like fucking expensive! Hopefully your bush don grow so fast, gal!"


ms froggie's note:

Due to popular demand, I have decided to post the before and after pictures. Enjoy!

Before

After

Entwined

Where did you go, I miss you so. It seems like forever since you've been gone.

Have you ever missed someone so badly that you actually ache. A longing so harsh and so deep that no one will ever actually understand how you are feeling. No one.

Its funny how every individual man and woman are separate entities but ultimately each and everyone of us need someone else, for completion. Both entwined so tightly together that it seem so tough to sort out all the knots and linkages. A bond so strong, that shall never be understood by anyone else. That, when the bond is broken, a part of the two individuals will just die off. Emotionally and perhaps even physically.

Sometimes I think perhaps our creator, if ever there was one, was in a playful mood when he created us, to make us apart and yet a part of each other.

Flowers in the Sky!

The moon was high, a bright semicircle hanging in the sky. The crowds were restless, all waiting anxiously for the flowers to start blooming, fireworks!

What a spectacular display of them indeed!

Simple pleasures

I saw this on the TV tonight while working on my lappie at the same time.

The guy was in love with the girl. He prepared a romantic candlelight dinner and gave her his deceased famous designer mum's unique creation of a gown on her birthday. He danced with the girl and made her feel like a princess on her birthday. And he openly declared his swooning love for her.

Alas, the girl was already in love, with another guy, her boyfriend. Who bought her a simple birthday cake and celebrated her birthday with her at her void deck. At the eleventh hour of her birthday.

The girl was touched by the first guy. She, however was thrilled by the second guy.

Sometimes its not the extravagances that matter. But rather, its those simple little things that will open one's heart and fill it with joy and happiness.

Life is that ironic; simple pleasures are life's finest happiness.

Or maybe its just that I am a simple girl.

Questions and no answers

Words have left me,
Tears have dried up.

No hope, no future.
An endless journey of sadness filled with emptiness.

What did I ever do to have to endure such a painful and tormenting ride?

What wrong did I do to warrant such punishment?

Can I ever be happy?

Can you see me crying?

Imagine you are in an empty theatre, a huge one with long maroon curtains. You are sitting in the centre aisle of the theatre and you are alone. The seats are a dark red colour, velvety and are cosy. And you are watching a very long show.

Your life story.

If there really is such a theatre with such a huge white projection screeen, showing your life journey, what will it be?

What is the genre that you want your life movie to belong to and what do you want your audience to see that is unfolding bits by bits on the huge projection screen in your life theatre?

I have always wondered how I would react when I am watching my own life story playing out bits by bits. What will I be seeing and more importantly, how will I feel as I am watching my own journey played out on the screen.

Will I be ashamed of what I am seeing? Will I be filled with regret or will I be filled with remorse and guilt? Or will I be happy and satisfied with the way I am leading my life?

Will you cry when you are frustrated? Will you cry if you are sad or will you cry when you are left with no hope and filled with regrets? Why do people cry when they are feeling negative? Is crying a sign of weakness? If its a sign of weakness, then why do I feel better after I cry?

Then again, when there are nothing left, no hopes, no feelings and no glimmers of optimism, the tears seemed to forsake me. All that are left is just an empty feeling, an abyss of darkness and a glimpse of dark thoughts to self destruct. A feeling so twisted that I feel like pulling all my internals out, to destroy whatever negativity that is inside me. To destroy my physical since its accessible and easier to destroy than my emotional.

My life story, such an irony. Nothing substantial and so empty.