I was confronted by my past ghosts twice in a week. Its been a quite a ride. A chapter ends and a new chapter begins, but I have yet to know where I stand in all these though I am very sure the feelings are a little different. You know what I mean.
Someone whom I thought has been totally gone from my life came back, and helped close a chapter of my life, totally. I had been living with a heavy burden of hurt, misunderstandings and the bitter thought of being hated by you. Its been quite a while but I felt vindicated and freed. Thank you.
And all these were forcefully taken away from me when I was confronted by another past ghost, reminding me of the mistakes that I made and the vulnerability that I allowed myself to get into. The forceful turbulence that resulted when I saw the very thing that I had been avoiding, at somewhere so close to me, of all places. Why is the world so damn small? Why do I have to go through all these again? Damn it. Why does he have to be there? Its been quite a while and I thought I had gotten over it and yet when I saw it, everything just came flooding back. I froze. The shame, the guilt and especially the regrets. Its a little too much for me to handle, especially since I am just trying to get adjusted. There is no worse feeling in the world then to hate yourself, to yearn to do something to vent the hatred and yet too cowardly to do it. Its the worse kind of hatred in the world.
Eelin said I need to be able to look at the monsters of my life in the eye and be able to feel forgiveness and its only then will I really be freed. The thing is, I think there really is no forgiveness or something like that, towards anyone. I did what I did and I am still paying for it, in a certain way, whenever when I am alone. I need more time I guess.
Why did I ever allow myself to get so damn fucked up?