Thursday, March 02, 2006

Ghosts, good and bad

I was confronted by my past ghosts twice in a week. Its been a quite a ride. A chapter ends and a new chapter begins, but I have yet to know where I stand in all these though I am very sure the feelings are a little different. You know what I mean.

Someone whom I thought has been totally gone from my life came back, and helped close a chapter of my life, totally. I had been living with a heavy burden of hurt, misunderstandings and the bitter thought of being hated by you. Its been quite a while but I felt vindicated and freed. Thank you.

And all these were forcefully taken away from me when I was confronted by another past ghost, reminding me of the mistakes that I made and the vulnerability that I allowed myself to get into. The forceful turbulence that resulted when I saw the very thing that I had been avoiding, at somewhere so close to me, of all places. Why is the world so damn small? Why do I have to go through all these again? Damn it. Why does he have to be there? Its been quite a while and I thought I had gotten over it and yet when I saw it, everything just came flooding back. I froze. The shame, the guilt and especially the regrets. Its a little too much for me to handle, especially since I am just trying to get adjusted. There is no worse feeling in the world then to hate yourself, to yearn to do something to vent the hatred and yet too cowardly to do it. Its the worse kind of hatred in the world.

Eelin said I need to be able to look at the monsters of my life in the eye and be able to feel forgiveness and its only then will I really be freed. The thing is, I think there really is no forgiveness or something like that, towards anyone. I did what I did and I am still paying for it, in a certain way, whenever when I am alone. I need more time I guess.

Why did I ever allow myself to get so damn fucked up?

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

We all have past ghosts... but if we manage the past ppl well, we may get future blessings from the very same persons...

I've been through that kinda feeling b4 too.. cheer up Iris.. you have to look at the past ghosts in a different light!

Tanlih

putitthisway said...

Well, trust me, I have plenty of skeletons in my closet. And i can only tell you this....whatever does not kill you, only makes you stronger...

孤冷傲 said...

What It Feels To Feel......Hurt

Heal your hurts.
Don't burden yourself with them on your back
Like a sack of coal or bring them out for show-and-tell
When you need to justify a bad behaviour or an unsettling mistake.

Re-visit the scars on your heart and
Resolve to remove each one of them.

Examine the cause of the original wounds and
Determine the reason you still allow them to hurt you
Why you still hold on to the pain
And go about the business of getting the work done to let them go.

Without resolution, you remember the original injury
And relive the pain, time and time again.
Old hurts resurface and add scar tissue to the afflicted areas.

The next time a wound opens itself up
And spills its scalding contents on your tender feelings,
Don't chase it back down inside of you.

Cup it gently in your hands, kiss it good bye and release it.

Heal your hurts - one pain at a time.