Thursday, May 18, 2006

Back once more

For the past few weeks, or was it a month since I officially shut down my blog, I kept everything bottled up in me. With no one to tell the things and incidents that I went through the day, I found myself getting more and more talkative and more and more open about myself. Perhaps its time I come back and pen down my thoughts here. Besides I was actually asked to come back here. Its such a pleasant surprise that there are people who like reading what I wrote and its kinda warm. :)

And so here I am, once again typing out my thoughts and feelings here, hoping that doing this will help me lesson my emotional burden and troubles and occasionally spread my laughters and joys.

So much time has passed and so many things had happened. There is so much to be said but not much to be done cos my life has not changed much, its still as boring and irksome. Well, perhaps I should probably say that my life wasn't maybe as boring as before, it had became more tough, emotionally and stressful.

I was given additional responsibilities in work. I am now officially in charge of 7 persons in my dept. 3 office staff, 3 drivers and 1 general worker. Of course, the line of authority still flows. I have my assistant manager above me and my manager above her. But now, I am directly responsible for what my colleagues do and I am dealing less in operational duties and more in being my manager's unofficial secretary. A more apt title for me, perhaps.

Of course I welcome the challenge in the added responsibilities but then again, its really tough to handle human relationship problems. I hate dealing with such. If possible I would rather carry out my job without dealing with such interpersonal problems. Yet, I can't hide from the fact that such problems are inevitable. Its impossible to not be involved in such problems. Especially when you have a boss who seems to want to be the good guy all the time and push you to be the bad guy in handling people. I am always caught in the middle. And I still have my own duties to carry out. Sometimes I wonder why the hell am I staying in this job. The pay suck big time, I have a sucky boss and the place is so uninteresting. I am sure with my own qualitifcations, I will be able to find a better job elsewhere.

The thing is I learn a lot in this job. During my short stint at the previous company, I was given a specific role to play and whatever stuff that I learnt, its quite limited. Though the pay was high, the job has much prestige, given the name and the place was very interesting being in the town area, I was miserable there. There was much politics involved there and it was a big fish eat small fish environment. Everyone was so afraid of getting into trouble that everyone always tries to save their ass and their face. I was sort of marked down in the end, given the many mistakes I made as a result of that.

In this company, I know what I was dealing with and though I made some mistakes here and there, I was able to cope better here. The people here are definitely warmer than the previous company. And most importantly, I was given many chance to learn, though it was partly a "side effect" of my boss policy in throwing you into the ocean and letting you save youself rather than helping you. One can sort of say that its a very tough way to learn.

Whatever the case, I am happier here than the previous stint. Until now that is. And as I am too tired to elaborate more, I shall leave it as that.

But you can bet that I am not going to stay long in this company. I always believe that no one should stay forever in a job. Staying on stagnant water will not propel one forward. You will just get fixed in a specific position and when you want to move on, it might be too late for much time would have been lost and you cannot afford to move on.

Ok, enough about work. Lets move on to personal life.

Personally, I have matured a lot. Of course, its not only during this period when I went MIA. I came to this conclusion after much pondering about my current status. From the time I graduated, to this very exact moment, when I am typing here revealing myself to you here, I have grown. Mentally, emotionally. And of course sideways.

Of course all these came with a price. Its with much pain, tears and thinkings that I learnt. Such are the lessons of life. And the most important lessons that I have learnt is that nothing is for certain. 塞翁失马,焉知非富. Translation: losing your horse is not necessarily a bad thing to happen. The reverse is true too.

Implication; nothing is for sure in life. Many factors can come into play to change your life.

With this in mind, I have decided to let things go and move on. For those who know me, it seems like I have been saying this for a long time and yet everytime a little incident happens to remind me of what happened, I would get really troubled. Its perhaps a way for me to remind myself that I've gotta move on since I obviously cannot do that. But now, I am really going to move on. Its such a weight to carry and nothing good ever comes out of me in dwelling in it. Whats happened had happened and its been too long.

Besides, I have actually forgiven, not forgotten but forgiven.

So now, I say, whatever will be shall be, let things happen by themselves. Perhaps I am just too tired, tired to keep deciding how I should move on. I hate it, I need a direction and now is it. Though there will forever be an undeletable mark in my life resume, I should just ignore the mark and concentrate on more important stuff and continue updating my life resume. Life will be much more tolerable that way.

So now, I am back. Back for another ride and back to open my life to you here. I hope this second trip is more enjoyable here, and I will be updating my laughters and joys more than my headaches and heartaches. Goodness know I have enough of those already.

Lastly, my appologies for the abrupt exit here.

I am back. :)

8 comments:

rijac said...

welcome back.

Iris said...

Thanks but that was fast...!

DK said...

Agent DK: Ms Iris. Welcome back, we missed you...

:D

Iris said...

Agent frog: Roger that and thanks Agent DK.

:D

Anonymous said...

the mark you left in my heart is indelible. I nvr thought the void you left in my life would ever be filled. I was wrong. It's filled now.

Iris said...

You as usual are so corny...

Thanks anyway :)

starz said...

Glad to have you back... :)

Iris said...

Thanks ms starz.. :)